AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

My children would be paying around that if they lived with me, and I don't think it's unreasonable for them to pay for certain 'luxury' groceries. If food is included in the rent, that means that you cater for him, providing enough food for his meals but not that you will just buy anything he likes. If he isn't happy with that then there are other options!

Stop treating him like a child then, tell him to clean up his own bloody mess.

It’s different when you are buying for more people. Singles pay higher than a family per person.

Its not about needing the money. I have friends whom saved the just below market rate rent and gave it to them after they had bought their first home. It was enormously appreciated by them.
Its about them realising that they need to pay their way.

The peppercorn amount can lead to unrealistic spending hzbits that can eventually lead to credit card debt.
Far better they learn early.

Absolutely no way is food 100 a month for an adult person. I was spending at least 200 a month as a single woman about 15 years ago, before the cost of living crisis. I think there's a serious underestimation of costs going on along a lot of pps. If he was living alone and entertaining a girlfriend he could easily spend 500 a month just on that.

The average UK household spends £2,870 a month on household bills—according to the average (and unlikely!) household size of 2.3 people. However this figure averages all households (including those with no rent or mortgage expenses)—so housing costs would typically be lower for those owning a home outright and higher for those with a mortgage or renting.

The average household with a mortgage spends £3,516 a month.

Lots more detail here:

https://www.nimblefins.co.uk/average-uk-household-budget

They sourced their data from the ONS.

All our 3 DS’s lived at home at various times into their late 20’s. We charged as little as we could. So about £25-30 a week pre covid.

They all now own houses have normal lives/wives/children/excellent jobs. None of them are man children and they are all very capable and domesticated.

Partly because they managed to save for deposits. WHY when you are comfortable would you charge so much?

I think you’re charging him enough as it is. I know people say, oh if they don’t want to pay, go and live in the real world but while it’s more financially beneficial to live at home, there are also drawbacks.

Surely the most you’d want to be charging him is the cost of of the food he eats and a fair and reasonable contribution to utility bills, rather than ‘rent’ for the roof over his head. Wanting to charge him for charging his EV is a little petty imo, especially given you don’t need the money.

Well he sounds like a bit of an entitled loser OP.
Bailed him out twice?
I'd want him out of the house and next time he wouldn't be returning.
He needs to take responsibility for himself.
Failure to launch, lazy, selfish and entitled?
No way will he be able to maintain an adult relationship with his attitude.
Time to get tough.
Not taking a proper amount is feeding into his entitlement.
Time to wake up.
He'll be a boomerang waster if you and your husband don't get real fast.

I have a sibling who is mid 50s and has been enabled all their life, never expected to pay their own way. Bailed out financially countless times. It has done them no favours whatsoever. They have never learned to budget or be financially independent. This has created huge resentment within the family as this person has leeched off parents their entire life leaving parents in a really difficult financial position, unable to afford a comfortable old age. Other siblings picking up the shortfall to ensure parents don’t go without necessities. This person has fucked up all their friendships and relationships because of their huge sense of entitlement. They are thoroughly selfish - I’m talking not even buying a card for parent’s birthdays, never mind a present.

I truly believe that the biggest favour we can do for our children is to teach them to be responsible, self sufficient adults. This includes paying rent and expenses. Lots of parents who are financially comfortable save the ‘rent’ and give it back to their adult child later on to help with house deposit etc.

A 23 year old is 5 years into adulthood btw, hardly a young adult. Just an adult.

I totally agree!

Just read this one. You should kick him out! How does he think he's going to cope living elsewhere?

Who is giving him the house deposits, please say it isn't you. If so, you are just rewarding bad behaviour.
I am surprised he has a girlfriend, most women I know would consider DS to be a bit of a loser.

I'm not sure that PPs saying this is a lot have really added up how much things cost. My monthly grocery bill for one adult and one young child is at least 450 quid, and we're not getting anything fancy at all. Energy for same 200 quid. So when you add up his food, energy use, car charging, mobile etc, I very much doubt there is a lot of change from 500 pounds.

You say you are reasonably comfortable yet you are charging £500 for your own child.
Putting aside the matter of his helping around the house which imo should be unrelated to money, that's a lot. It must be more than he costs if you split outgoings between adults unless he's paying towards your rent or mortgage? You'd have those whether he was there or not.

I didn't charge my DC anything because I didn't need the money but they were expected to do their fair share of cooking/ cleaning.

To those saying it would cost more if he moved out, yes but is it fair to profit from your own child?

I wouldn't buy the extra coffee pods. The rest is fine.
Get a moka pod and a frother that will cost you about 50 quid both and fine brands, or a expresso machine for what you expend in 3 months of pods you can have a semi decent machine with frother and some sirups. The machine will last for years and the sirups for a while. It will pay itself in a year even if you buy a 1000 pounds proper expresso machine with all the bars and features.

£500 is a lot IMO -
I certainly wouldn't be charging for the EV. I would say buy your own takeouts and coffee pods.

No way I would charge either of our DS £500, that seems excessive to me. I like to know they are saving all they can whilst they live with us rather than us taking it.

He is from his point of view! "What's mine is mine, and so is yours" works ever so well for as long as you get away with it.

His girlfriend should be noting this and making alternative plans.

It is quite shocking to me how many people seem to have failed to teach their children basic life skills such as managing money and being considerate house mates. It is ridiculous that a fully grown man thinks that he is being hard done by, and that his mummy and daddy don't make him cook, because, in OP's words, he would make a mess and his parents would have to clean it up.
How on earth is he going to manage when he decides to be a big boy and move out?

At 23 I’d say he’s lucky to only be paying £500 for all bills including rent, for most it would be at least double this if not three times as much- basically would take up most of his salary.

I don’t think it’s unfair to ask for the electricity money he claims back for the car since it’s your bill. Also don’t think it’s unfair to request he buys the expensive luxuries.

I wouldn't charge my DC rent but I would expect them to be paying their share of all the bills and food once they are working. That's including things like council tax and home insurance. Break it all down into a list just so they have an awareness of how many things there are to cover when have your own house.

You are teaching him nothing except his mother is mean and tight with him
Well done op.

Why would you or DH have to clean it up? DS is in for a huge shock if he ever cuts the apron strings and moves into a flat share, he will be expected to clean up after himself. DS should be embarrassed, I had been living away from my parents for 5 years by the time I was 23 (I am not that old BTW).

So how much are the actual extra costs of having him there each month?

Extra utilities - £100 (inc EV charging)?
Extra food - £100?

I can't think of anything else that would be costing you more because he's there.

So what are you doing with the extra £300 that you're taking off of him?

I think he should pay his own mobile, and I think he should pay his own luxury items like takeaways and coffee pods, as that's good discipline.

But, I don't think you should be profiteering from him and charging him more in rent than the actual additional costs of him living with you, unless you are saving it for him.

£200/m rent, plus he buys for himself all the luxury extra items and his mobile seems about right to me, and in line with what everyone I know charges. Maybe £300 in rent and you save the extra £100/m for him.

OP, WHY are you overcharging him, yet babying him at the same time?? Make him clean his own mess for goodness sake. Help him be physically responsible as well as financially responsible 😵‍💫