AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

Unfortunately the OP's son has the makings of the type of non prize that we read about on here.
I had an entitled one here, my eldest, that so needed to move out of home to grow up and appreciate his privilege.

He was always money savvy but he blew too much money on takeaways every other night duringuniversity.
Since graduating and moving away, the price of everything has landed, and takeaways are a real treat and he has learned to cook, sort of!

He lives in a nice apartment in a very central location but he is paying for it.
He likes to tell me that I have no idea how expensive life is🙄😁.
He is learning to cut his cloth.

He is paying 28% of his net salary and not 33% of his gross salary. Not over a third by any metric.

Except he has a girlfriend so those would be split.

£500 a month is a large amount to pay to live at home unless you're putting it away to go towards a house deposit for him, I couldn't imagine charging mine that. It's also not his fault that your husband and other two kids have started deciding to drink your expensive coffee! Not sure why it's ok for you but not your DH though.

@QuaintNewt i very much feel you’re approaching the problem from the wrong angle.
You're thinking ‘I’m doing a lot fur him so I should get more contribution’ .

I don’t think that’s the right angle.
Your issue is that you have a young man who at the same time expects to live his life as if he was a teenager, being fully looked after (and indulged in treats like tge coffee pods) AND also expects to be treated as an adult who can do whatever ke likes, like smoking in the house, tidying up ‘when he feels like it’ etc….
Id have a conversation with him around that - he is an adukt, he needs to act as an adukt. An adult that lives in a house that’s a partnership. Not a student house where everyone are free electron that have their own lives.

But realistically if he rented somewhere it would be a minimum of£800 PLUS bills, food etc. So he's got a good deal on £500 a month

I don't believe one should compare the accommodation costs of living independently and living at home. I think variables enter into it. The money the parents earn. The money the child owns. The age of the child. In this case the child takes home £1800pm. He pays £500. This does not include weekend food. Now he is being expected to pay for car electricity and coffee..The parents are comfortably off.
He is paying a way over a third of his salary in rent etc. This is too much IMO.
I would charge my DC £4]0 all inclusive. After all the aim is to help them to save for the future. They are not tenants. They are your children.

Standard expectation for affordable rent is 30% of income before tax. Your son appears to be paying around 28% of his income after tax plus bills plus food most of the week = bargain. He can afford his own coffee pods.

Especially when you consider that he has maid service included in that £500, he doesn't even do any housework.

I have 2 dcs at uni, niece and nephew who’ve just finished.
they are all spending about £40 a week fir food. Dc1 more like £50 (trains a lot so eats a lot).
Thats £200 a month on basic food. No coffee pods, no take away, no sandwich at lunch time.
£500 a month all inclusive is a bargain, sorry.

I truly believe that the biggest favour we can do for our children is to teach them to be responsible, self sufficient adults. This includes paying rent and expenses. Lots of parents who are financially comfortable save the ‘rent’ and give it back to their adult child later on to help with house deposit etc.

How is saving money for them teaching any financial responsibility? It's like tying a toddler's shoelaces. If you don't teach them they never learn. Teach your teenagers or YAs about banks, credit, investments, budget, stocks and shares, don't do it for them.
Most 23 year olds (albeit not in this case) have been to uni, rented and lived on a shoestring before coming home. If you don't need the money I see no point in "teaching them a lesson" by taking their money. Keep an eye on their finances by encouraging them to save but let them have a bit of time with their own cash before they jump on the treadmill of life and bills.

Just read all OP Posts - your son sounds difficult. In what world would you pay for HIS takeway when you go out!!

You haven’t parented him properly. Surely he should be clearing up after himself. Are you just pushing it further down the line for some poor wife/girlfriend to have to deal with? I think £500 is a lot but why are you paying for his mobile phone? He isn’t 14.

I would not charge rent, and I don’t. Mine pay for their other personal bills though. I provide food. Sometimes they buy extra food that they particularly want themselves.
My job is allow them to save so that they can leave and buy an home eventually. The only rent I have ever agreed with on MN was the type where you charge them and give it back as their partial deposit to help them to leave.

I was initially going to say that you were charging him alot since you didn't "need" his contribution. But having read your updates with him having moved out twice and getting in financial trouble which you had to bail him out from I think it's a good thing that you are charging him 500. It's a better deal than he would ever find on his own.

But @QuaintNewt what's up with him leaving dirty dishes, not helping out and smoking? And that you don't want to tell him off because this would lead to an argument?
Sounds crazy to me to have your 23 year old son to expect to cater to him and be his maid. No wonder he gets in trouble in the real world if the bar is set so low at home. When he will move out he'll expect his gf to take over the domestic chores- you are raising a man child OP!

Or chuck the coffee machine.

Can't he use a kettle and some instant?

That's a lot to charge him! What are the going rates for a house share where you live?

I do think £500 a month is on the higher side, probably not far off what he would pay if renting a bedroom in the area depending where you live. The coffee pods aren't that expensive are they? If he's works out of the home (which with the vehicle I would guess he doesn't wfh) I would assume having one a day...
I think you are being tight in my opinion but if he's using loads of coffee pods just tell him to buy more himself. Don't increase the £500 as you don't need it and he should be saving money for a deposit at this age.

I think you’re incredibly tight tbh.

Oh, and last time I was at home (around 2003) I paid 1/3 of my modest salary - which worked out as about £350 per month, towards bills and groceries.
And I let my dad have the odd can of my beer!

I don't agree, I think if I lived by myself and didn't have two teenagers who eat a lot. I think I would would save loads of money. For example the rate at which cheese is consumed by the teenagers compared to just me.

He sounds like a lazy entitled loser tbh, sorry op.
I would just want him out of my house if he was smoking and complaining about the very very reasonable cost of rent.
He needs to find a room and pay his way, let him fuck up and don't take him back in without a legal agreement drawn up by an actual solicitor, add in fines for smoking, monthly room checks etc.
He is taking the piss, he isn't even grateful for what you're doing for him, I would have loved parents like yourself, lots of us got tossed out and absolutely zero help or handouts.

No exactly. the DS is acting like a stroppy teen and doesn’t seem to have learned after being bailed out twice.

you’ve got more than one issue here about whether £500 is fair or not.

Allocate 2 pods per person per day.

Any more and they put a quid in a jar towards the next grocery shop.

It's still cheaper and nicer than Costa.

100% this. There is no way in hell that my parents would have allowed such blatant disrespect in their house, and nor should they have. I won't allow it in my house either.
People who tolerate this from their children are doing them no favours whatsoever.