AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

He’s fine to use it, she just wants him to buy some pods for it from his £1300 spare cash pcm

I can’t imagine a situation where I have a new coffee machine and begrudge my DC using it.

But he has £1300 per month disposable income to spend purely on himself, plus the allowance he is paid by work for him to charge his EV! That's more than plenty to enjoy 'before they jump on the treadmill of life and bills'. In fact, it's totally unrealistic and will probably result in him not being able to adjust his spending AGAIN should he move out.
Personally, I'd add another £100 a month to pay for a cleaner and towards eventual redecoration that will be needed as he smokes in the house, and for being treated as a skivvy.
His laziness, his sense of entitlement, and his lack of basic respect is absolutely appalling.
Please tell me that he does his own washing and change of bedding etc.

My young adult DC would pay that sort of thing themselves, but only pay me £60 pw! I haven't increased it because as they've got older they more or less sort out their own food, I just keep the basics in.

I think the EV makes things more complex though. How much is that costing you?

I don't think it is excessive but I think you cover the wrong things. For instance I would expect him to pay for charging of his car as that directly benefits him. I'd expect him to pay for any takeaways he wants and extras for meals that he wants to cook. I would expect him to pay his own phone bill and for toiletries he wants so if he uses a particular shampoo or conditioner over and above what you provide. I'd expect a contribution towards gas/electric and council tax as well as towards subscriptions such as Sky and or Netflix. I would have worked out a figure based on that.

I don't think you are in any way profiting off him and I find it distasteful that other posters would say that. Under your roof his costs are significantly less than of was renting, paying bills and food. It's a very good deal if you he isn't doing much housework or laundry. That is a helping hand. He's 23 and earning a full time wage. However I don't believe in parents bankrolling their children forever. He's an adult.

£500 would be a lot in my area - it’s nearly my whole mortgage for the month for a 3 bed semi. I think it’s a bit tight to charge that much rent + electric + luxuries, but the electric is justified as he gets that from work anyway. I think it sounds more like you don’t want to live with him anymore and this is your way of pushing him out though.

I’d love to know how parents get their adult children to save? My dd will never save to move out. She’s borrowing her bus fares to get to work from me two weeks after every pay day. She has never saved a bean. You can’t get in her room for new clothes she’ll never wear, vinyls, and make-up. She’s out or away most weekends.

Yet according to the oracle that is Mumsnet, it’s me that’s stopping her moving out by charging her £50 a week for food and bills, and I should be putting that money away (god knows what I’d buy her food with?) and giving it back to her when she moves out!

OP, I think you’re well within your rights to charge £500. In fact, I might take a leaf out of your book!

Really? Why? It costs to run a home, wear and tear isn’t insignificant. The food, water, heating. I’d save a load if my DC moved out.

i think £500 per month is mean if he’s saving to buy a house. My partner and I put £800 each into a joint account and that covers all essential bills including mortgage and food!

However, charging £500 a month seems excessive when they should be saving for their own home.

He can save £1300 pcm, less the odd takeaway bill

So many middle-class, well-off people are so tight with their kids. I know someone who is rolling in it but is charging her son £100 for a return journey to university when the petrol costs £50. I know someone else who refuses to give her child any money for university despite them having significant amounts in savings. I also notice that both these parents don't have a strong relationship with their children. And before anyone says it, I helped my kids within reason but didn't go totally overboard. However, charging £500 a month seems excessive when they should be saving for their own home.

My ds takes home 1800 pcm too. Nearly 21. I only charge £350 as there is no mortgage or rent.

£500 sounds excessive to me. It helps mine build up savings.

He’s hardly making himself an appealing “flatmate” with his behaviour- if he was offering to cook once a week, not smoking at home and suggesting a cleaning rota, I dare say OP would feel more lenient about coffee pods.

My son currently pays £100 a week contribution to household expenses, plus an additional £100 every month to cover petrol as we run him to work and back most days and let him use the car to practise his driving in, or to get himself around if one of us has the time to accompany him (learner driver).

I buy some items out of this £100 per week which are solely for him, probably about £10 - £15 a week.

Again, I think the reason OP is looking at charging for coffee pods etc is that the DS doesn’t seem to have any respect for the house or for budgeting. It’s like he’s treating the place as an AI hotel. So she’s trying to forestall areas where this might happen.

Cheapest single rooms near to me are £650 pcm and that does not include any food. I chargedy my youngest ds £300 pcm but he did a lot of chores around the house and cooked for family once a week. My eldest DS paid £400 pcm but did not do as many chores as worked longer hours. They got Sky Sports, Sky Movies, TNT, Disney +, Amazon Prime including in their room and Virgin speed of light internet for gaming. Now they have both moved into their own homes and we got rid of the super fast internet and TV in bedrooms. We also save a lot of both water and electricity as well as food and they now pay their own phone contracts. I never bought coffee pods for them though or cans. If they wanted those they bought them themselves.

YANBU. That's all.

While your rationales for an increase are sound, I fear you are in danger of making your relationship very transactional and penny pinching with your son. It’s kind of stingy to start asking for extra money for snacks or coffee or to charge his car. It’s going to cause arguments.

I would honestly just say that rent will increase each year in line with inflation- the rental index. That is much easier to defend as reasonable without picking on small life luxuries that he enjoys.

So, while yanbu to ask for more rent, I think yabu to ask for rent plus this and plus that and no more coffee- changing the agreement around is a threat to your future realstionship.

My DS earns similar. We are ok financially. Definitely not well off but not skint either. He gives £150 every four weeks. I get groceries as usual and anything else he wants extra, he gets and cooks. He works really hard in his job and is generous and thoughtful when he goes to the shops, asking if we need anything - and doesn’t ask for the money if we do. He is in to the gym and eats lots of mince, eggs, avocado etc etc so lots of expensive stuff which he pays for. Each evening meal we cook, he has with us, if he’s about. He’s well aware of how much things cost and appreciates he would struggle renting or whatever. He saves his money so I would rather only take what covers what we think he should pay. I don’t want to make a profit from him.

as much as I agree with posters it’s cheaper than elsewhere. I do feel when you start to profit out your kids then it’s too much, and I think if you did the maths on additional costs to you for him being there, you’re likely now profiting. And for me, that’s not ok,

Tell him the deal is the deal and if he doesnt like it he should feel free to move out again and see if he can make it work this time.

£500 is more than my mortgage was!

Does it cost you that to house him or are you making a profit?

Tell him to find somewhere else for 500 a month.

Sorry OP, but I'd be telling him he's moving out and that this time there would be NO BAILOUT if he got into difficulties this time. The fact that he expects bailouts, won't do his share of housework, and you've even stopped asking him to clean up after himself because "its not worth the fights/backlash" - well, fuck that shit.

If you keep doing what you have always done (bailouts, waiting upon him) then you will keep getting what you have always got (a feckless lazy abusive kidult).

It's our job as parents to produce functional independent adults, because eventually we die and they're on their own regardless. The only alternatives to being a functional adult is living in your own filth, or being a parasite upon an actual functional adult (who will tire of being their skivvy and get rid of them, whence he starts living in his own filth again).

So, what's it to be? Abusive parasite, or training him to be a functional adult? Because we both know that bailing him out and waiting upon him isn't working for you, and in the long term will not work for him.

I would tell him he shapes up or ships out, and mean it. He follows the house rules, or fucks off - and there will be no bailout this time. But you've got to mean it, otherwise you're just reinforcing the poor training for adulthood he's already received - that he can do what he wants with no consequences to himself.

He needs to move out now and stand on his own two feet. By 'rescuing' him you are failing to let him learn from his mistakes, which he absolutely needs to do.