AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

He absolutely should be helping around the house IMO. That would be a non-negotiable for me.

The OP doesn't need the £500 to pay bills though as she said that she and DH are comfortable and that they don't need it. So the only reason I can think of, is that she's putting it aside for when her DS is ready to buy his first property.

I want to make sure I am understanding - you pay the electric each night to charge his car and HE keeps the money he gets from work for his car upkeep himself? I'm sure it would be the same way in our house but when you think about it he is really taking the piss. 😂

I don’t understand the “how will he save to move out” folk at all.

Hes 23 and has £1300 disposable income. That’s how.

I was paying £350 a month in 2009, I think he’s got a decent deal. I also wouldn’t give him any of it back, because out in the real world your bills don’t get reimbursed.

They did help him out.

They don't have a responsibility to bail him out indefinitely. That wouldn't be responsible parenting.

Maybe with the 20k deposit he will be getting from bank of mum & dad / grandparents. Or he could stop smoking and save that. He has plenty of left over cash to save.

My DD pays £500 a month.

In addition to her room, she does her laundry using our detergent, gets all her meals while she is here (7 nights a week), although will provide a weekend meal for us at her expense. She also uses leftovers for her lunch.

We don't buy anything special for her. She can do that herself.

I think 500 is excessive, especially if u start charging to charge a car and not include his preferred groceries in that too.
If I charged my son that I'd keep 250 and put away the other 250 (or 300/200 etc) for him as long as he was also saving for a house deposit for himself too.

Did you buy the coffee machine from the £500 monthly that you charge him? If so, I think you’re being unreasonable to begrudge him the coffee pods.

Why is he choosing what goes in the weekly shop,? Send him with a list on his day to do the shopping and expect him to stick to it. Anything over and above the list he can pay for. My DD understands this concept and she's only just a teenager.

hes taking the piss smokes in your house and doesnt clean up

he needs a kick up the arse-does he think his wife will do all this for him when hes married

You’re making out like this kid is being used and having a hard life. His mother is doing everything for him. He makes a mess, mum cleans it. Wants a takeaway, mum pays, wants expensive drinks, just ask mum. Hilarious people think he is hard done by. Wait until he enters the real world.

There's a middle ground between charging a pittance and charging so much that the parents make a profit. I find that a bit odd. Surely the fairest would be for the person to pay for their keep, something close to what it actually costs for them to live there.

Raking it in? Hardly. It’s not often you see parents charge a reasonable amount, usually it’s a pathetic £100. Sounds like this young adult has expensive food and beverages tastes and wouldn’t get what he’s getting for £500 elsewhere, and leave a trail of mess behind him and someone else just cleans it up. So what if they are making some profit, they deserve it for still cooking his dinners, supplying all his food and snacks and letting him live like a kid still.

Not really on point but Aldi do really nice pods that work in a Nespresso machine and you couldn’t spend £150 on them without dying of a caffeine overdose!

Well yours is in for a shock in the future then.

I think you’re charging him too much. Are you charging him and saving the money for him or are you just using it to support yourself?

I would charge £500 if I saved all or at least £300,- per month for him to use on a deposit or are you that hard up you need his money? You said you’re comfortable so I do think YABU. Hope for his sake he moves out and if you need him in the future (when you’re old) he charges you for every bit of help you want from him if you’re just using his money to make life easy for yourself.

But if he was in his own accommodation, he’d be paying rent to a landlord who is trying to make money.

I don’t see what that has to do with him staying at home.

It sounds like the OP is raking it in from her own son tbh.

all very well if you can afford to do this. But many parents need that contribution to pay bills. £500 is a lot less than if he was in his own accomodation, plus he does absolutely nothing around the house.

If you're making a profit, then it’s excessive

IMO we should be setting our children up for future success, which means letting him save enough so he can move out and live independently, not making a profit or trying to replicate the tough and expensive rental market. You are his mother, after all

At his age he should be able to cook for himself and certainly clean up for himself. He is living like he is 8yrs old still and you’re facilitating it. You are buying him a takeaway if you’re out and not cooking food? Why is he not making his own food when you’re busy? My DD is 17 and has been making her own meals for 2-3yrs. She definitely needs some washing up training, which she will get before uni. You really are doing yourself no favours waiting on him like this by clearing up after him. If he wants to live in your home as an adult he needs to pull his weight. I’d be making many changes and if he doesn’t like it, he can look into a house share.

Re coffee pods, why are you spending so much? Set a limit and when they are gone, they are gone. Stash some elsewhere if you’re concerned your son will use them all, or better still tell him his keep doesn’t cover this.

well im sorry but youve brought this on yourself. Firm up with him, no groceries, £400 a month rent and cook and CLEAN up after himself or, he can find somewhere else to live. It is not difficult and he is a fully grown man child. Even my 14 year old manages to wash up if hes cooked for himself

If he saves £600 per month for the next three years plus the 10k the OP is giving him he’ll have a deposit of 35k ish.
That still leaves £700 per month fun money if he doesn’t get a pay rise.

I think £500 is quite a lot. Are you saving it to help with a future house deposit? I know quite a few parents do this and would make sense why you're charging him so much.

Should buy own groceries if lux but wft charging your kid £500pcm! Rent yes but how is he ever going to be able to leave? I really think that's such a lot of money to take.

Seems like a lot to me. I would want him to save for a property rather than subsidise my household.