AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

What?? Why???? The man is living there, using the utilities, charging his car (then claiming it back and not passing that on to the people paying the electricity bill), getting food paid for and prepared for him and his girlfriend, not respecting the household, doing nothing to contribute... and you think he should get his rent back? Hes not a child. Depending on where he lives, he would pay more than that rent for a houseshare then plus food and possibly utilities and council tax.
This epidemic of 20 somethings who can't possibly move out until they have a house deposit should stop. You're not doing the 'children' any favours.

It's not 'someone', it's her son!
And I didn't think it's the son that's taking the piss tbh.....

Definitely excessive. I got my own flat earlier this year, before that was living in a shared house. Double bedroom, own en suite, all bills included (although heating was rarely on!). I paid 450 a month for that and landlord was making a decent profit as well given there were 6 of us living there.

£500 is a lot especially if he has to pay his own phone bill and food on weekends too. As you say, you don't 'need' is as such

(Ps my parents charged me £200 a month full bed and board. I didn't struggle to understand that when I moved out things would be dearer. Not sure that making young adults pay more is actually preparing them for the real world. Most young adults aren't that dim)

After trial and error I finally found the coffee pods I liked.
I only buy them on Amazon Prime Days.
Drinking 3 cups a day, you’ll go through them rapidly if you live alone and wow - imagine living with 3 other people: mum, dad, son and son’s gf.
I don’t think asking somebody to contribute towards something they use so much of is in any way untoward.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable.
If they get their nose out of joint, lock up the extras and begin doling them out.
I bet they’ll offer to pay for an extra one in no time.
Or - they’ll buy their own - if, that is, they can figure out where you got them.

Its not real life though. You move out to a shared whatever you can afford, save, work, eventually you can buy something. Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn't have kids staying until they can afford to buy.
And a house? They dont have to move into a 3 bed new build as a first step.

@Foxybyname

does liking someone mean you have to let them take the piss?

The ‘later on’ is key, teach them to be responsible adults first. I have no issue with parents helping adult children with house deposits. There is a huge difference between supporting and enabling.

@QuaintNewt do you like your DS? It doesn't sound like it from your posts.

I think you need to sit down with him and calmly have an adult conversation to find some middle ground.

Apologies, I haven't RTFT.
PLEASE tell me you are saving the £500 a month for him?

I can't help thinking that it is the parents of children who have never had to contribute anything, who see their parents as a perpetual source of provision who will end up in shitty care homes. The parents who raise their children to be responsible adults and to pay their own way and not take others for granted may end up with better care...

Stop with the individual line item increases they are easily argued about and periodically increase the overall amount. So let him know that every 6 months (or whatever) his rent will increase by X… whatever that is to reflect the coffee, the cleaning (and supplies), the electric, the annoyance, etc.

At some point he will work out that he’s spending the equivalent to live with mum and dad that he would on his own.

If he complains well he knows the alternative.

I think £500 is a lot. My daughter is the same age and just started work after uni but on a good salary. We charge her £450 a month and save it to give her towards a deposit on a house when she has saved enough to move out (she is also saving). We pay for most things even though she offers to buy her own food.
She does buy her own coffee pods though

Absolutely he should be paying for his car charging when he is claiming the money from employer but I’d use that as an offset for stopping the buying of fizzy drinks and coffee pods so he feels he is winning to a limited extent

I lived with my parents when I was going through a divorce and more than 10 years ago I paid £100 per week (£430 p/m) for me and my baby/toddler daughter to live with them which i thought was completely fair. I did all the cooking/cleaning/laundry though and often bought shopping. I always bought toddler snacks as well. Personal expenses & phone /fuel etc. I would have never even considered as an expense that wasn't completely mine. My cats also lived with us & all of their expenses were mine although they were completely spoiled by their Grandad.

£500 is absolutely not unreasonable.

@SilkySquirrel

why is it obscene?
i didn’t begrudge them having treats, they were great parents that did a lot for me, why would i??

@QuaintNewt nothing wrong with that amount of house keeping, thats £115 a week. Thats not a lot of money, you couldn't rent a room in a flat where i live for that. I only ever buy the pods when they are on offer. But yes he should pay for his own phone. Our supermarket bill for everything can be 800 a month and we live on chicken, and if i buy branded it is only when on offer. So my son would easily be £100 for the supermarket bill, then there is gas, electricity council tax. He is a working adult so he should contribute for what he uses.

You’ve made a rod for your own back here. You’ve bailed him out several times financially. He doesn’t cook as he’d make too much mess and you’d clean up. He does Jo household chores.

in hate to say it but you’ve gone very wrong in your parenting and have created an entitled man child.

you have two options. A rude awakening including rent hike to pay for his cleaner (you), washer woman, cook etc at least £1000 a month. And he still pays on top for phone, gym, coffee pods. He still has £800 a month disposable income after all bills, way more than a lot of people.

Or he moves out and you make crystal clear upon his departure that you won’t bail him out again. That he is a man and needs to manage his money and bills.

you are doing no favours at all and you HAVE to let him fail so he learns. There’s no lesson in you picking up after him in every area of his life

If he doesn't like/respect the house rules, he is free to leave..
Obviously has learned nothing from his previous messed up attempts at adulting.
Either he toes the line or he leaves... And this time do not bail him out!!
He is behaving like a brat.

We all know he couldn’t get the equivalent for £500 if he rented privately - that argument is overdone on these threads. The reality is it’s not a like for like comparison… he’s not renting privately and you’re not a landlady so I think you’re being a bit harsh, especially as you don’t need the money.

That's a pretty hefty sum to live at home with mum and dad if I'm honest

Yes he would be paying more if he was in his own place but he isn't ... you aren't exactly giving him the option of living a little and saving by taking such a sum especially when your super comfortable

Unless of cours you are going to give him the rent you have been taking and giving it back when he gets a mortgage for furniture

Aldi do compatible Nespresso pods for less than £2 for 8. I'd buy maybe 3 packs of these for the week for them. That's £6 a week and obviously £24 a month.

And save the nice branded Nespresso pods for yourself 🙂

You do realise a helping hand can be a reality check not a rescue don’t you? Shielding them from the real world and building entitlement because you don’t want to “profit” from them is a sunk cost fallacy in the long run. No wonder so many kids are taking their parents to job interviews with them…

Parents do their kids no favours by not giving them the opportunity to learn about budgeting and the real world while they're still safe at home.

Our job is to get them ready for the world. Budgeting and bill paying and understanding everything an adult needs to do to run a home are valuable skills and ones we should teach them imo

@SilkySquirrel Tbf, we don’t know that the OP is profiting from what her son pays, we have no idea what their household bills are.

YABU. If you’re comfortable, why not allow him to put that money towards a deposit instead? He’s your son and times are difficult for young people. Don’t you want to give him a leg up?