AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

But it doesn't seem a pleasure for the OP who has a son that smokes in the house and leaves mess everywhere does it

Our home will always be their home whenever they need it regardless of age or salary.

We don't need the money so why would I take money from them? Prefer save the money, they are adults, but will always be my children.

YABU. And £500 is way too much.

If they were still living there at 30 and earning £50k, would you feel the same? At 35 and earning £100k?

That’s why I’m asking - I wonder if you have any kind of “self sufficient adult” cut off or if you always see them as children who don’t need to pay rent.

What does age have to do with anything??

We would never charge our children rent to stay in their family home. I can understand asking for contribution towards their additional costs food, electric etc. but charging an arbitrary rent seems strange to me.

I charge my adult son what you would presumably consider a pittance. This allows him to save for a house deposit, for which he’ll need a far greater sum than I ever did.

It’s not “setting him up for a shock” because he’s not an idiot and is perfectly well aware of the cost of things and that he’s getting a very good deal.

He’s a 23 year old adult living in the house and earning more than enough to cover £500 contribution.

How old does he have to be and how much does he have to earn before you think £500 would be a fair payment?

He's not a lodger, he's her son...

We have always made clear to our children that this is our family home and they will always be welcome to come home whenever needed.

I can understand asking for contribution towards their additional costs food, electric etc. but charging an arbitrary rent seems strange to me, would prefer they save the money so they can find their own place which is becoming harder for young people to do.

Assuming OP is still paying a mortgage, why should she save the contribution from an earning adult in the house towards a deposit for him rather than reducing her own debt? Especially as she’s stated there’s £20k available towards a deposit already?

personally I think £500 is a lot plus all the extra you want him to pay on top . You said you’re not short on money. Are you saving the money he gives you ? To give it back to him towards a deposit on his own house in the future.

I personally think £500 with the phone, coffee and pop is fair, that's probably covering a good chunk of your mortgage payment each month

Our DS is 22 and living back at home after uni. We charge him £200 a month which is his share of bills and food. We don’t charge rent as we don’t pay rent and our mortgage is paid off. It’s always been his home too so I wouldn’t feel comfortable charging him rent. If we were renting that would be a different situation. He’s earning roughly an average graduate salary and is saving, he’s fairly sensible with money, and having paid rent for the last 3 years he knows he’s getting a bargain!

I can't imagine my generous parents charging me for rent or anything else, but if that's the route you're going, maybe you should tell us what would be the cost if he were renting a room with a stranger, so we can compare.

And food included for £500?! I doubt it. Op is paying for the majority of his food and drink as well as all the other expense of him living there.

Yanbu at all. He’s getting a bargain at £500 including meals and snacks. I bet if you work it out, he’s costing you around that much if you take into account all the share of utilities such as water and power he uses (esp charging his ev), food and drink he consumes and little bits such as extra toilet paper, soap, washing etc.
Let him know that if he thinks he can get a cheaper deal elsewhere, he’s welcome to try!

£500 is a lot! He could definitely get a room in a shared house with bills for less than that where I am

Then they probably didn’t smoke in your house when you asked them not to, leave a mess in the kitchen if they ever bothered to do any cooking, nor expect you to pay their takeaway even if you weren’t there.

Yeah.. im neither. Listen, do what you want. But young people are not going to be traumatised by living in shared accommodation to what they csn afford as we all did and fending for themselves.
Its difficult to get on the housing ladder yes dont I know it. But not impossible if you're working.

He’s a 23 year old man. Why on earth is he still living with mum and dad, let alone expecting them to fund his stuff! He’s taking advantage.

I think there might need to be a discussion to revisit exactly what his “rent”/board includes. His mobile was included but you’ve now asked him to take that over. Electricity is included but you now want him to pay to charge his EV.

But overall you are totally not being unreasonable, he is 23 years old and earning well and should be paying his own way. The groceries that you buy should be the normal family shop, and if he wants something different or extra then he should buy it.

I also don’t get why it’s teaching DC anything by taking their money and then saving it?

DS1 knows much more about savings and investments than I do. He is perfectly capable of arranging his own bank accounts. Why on earth would I do it on his behalf? That is what is infantilising.

What about the epidemic of boomers and gen x who bought their houses for rock bottom prices decades ago and are now profiting from their own DC? 🤔

'the man'? You mean Op's son? Son.

It's not a houseshare though is it, it's the family home.

So he doesn't pull his weight around the house, or in fact even clean up after himself! That would be the main issue.

I don't think £500 is excessive and would expect him to be buying any luxury food items, if your home staples are not good enough for him.

But being lazy domestically around the house - that's the main issue that needs addressing.