AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

£500 a month virtually all in when he is working is absolute peanuts! Tell him to quite grumbling and get into the real world and see how much that would cost him!

Lots of British people don’t charge, there are no set rules. I charge £250 which tbh only really covers their food. My DC do save a lot each month so I think we are all happy with this.

But I also wouldn’t charge him separately for the coffee pods when everyone else in the house is using them.

I think you’re being mean
my 23 year old pays 70 a week.

he works full time but I want he to have a good start in life so encourage saving.

you admit you don’t need the money yet you’re fleecing him.

I would be much more concerned about the fact he doesn’t do his share around the house, you should not be waiting on him hand and foot, he should clear up after himself, do a share of the cooking and cleaning and do his own washing.

If he is able to reclaim the cost of the electricity from work then that amount should be paid back to you.

'I think the closest in my area that I can get with bills included is £1000 a month and my food and transportation would be extra'

That is irrelevant. That like saying a decent meal out would cost £50, a taxi to town £40 etc. What the going rate is does not matter when someone is living in their actual family home.

I'd never charge a dc 'rent' or 'board and lodge' but if money if very tight I can understand some people may need it. The op doesn't and £500 is taking the piss.

I think it’s fair enough to charge him £500, I was paying £300 20 years ago. I often think it’s a bit bonkers to not charge and then the child has a disposable income that exceeds the parents in quite a lot of cases.

Generally if you are paying a third of your salary to living expenses, a third for fun stuff, travel, clothes, going out and a third for saving for a house deposit then it seems reasonable to me. I suspect it’d be a minimum of half his salary in a shared house by the time added on food and bills.

I think £500 is a lot.

That said, coffee pods etc should be his to buy.

The real problem is though that the OPs son is NOT going to contribute to the household, she has already said asking him to do so isn't worth the aggro he gives back, this is already a conversation the OP has had with him. She even said he doesn't do his own cooking because he won't clean up after himself and the OP and her DH have to do it.

I think £500 for all bills, roof over your head, personal chef, maid and takeaways is a great deal, when can I move in OP? 😁

I think that’s a reasonable deal.

Have him go and find out prices of living on his own. He will soon realise that’s a bargain.

I think the closest in my area that I can get with bills included is £1000 a month and my food and transportation would be extra.

The op has said they'll give 10k for a depost plus another rel may add to that which suggests they are not short so taking £500 from a ds earning £1800 seems grabby then wondering if we should buy his own coffee!

I mean yes get him to do something towards housework but taking a massive chunk from his salary would seem rather greedy.

From the 1300 of remaining take home pay, per chance?

He could give up smoking. That’s an expensive hobby.

If the OP's son thinks he can get a better accommodation deal for £500 a month, he's free to move out. That's what I'd be saying to him, OP.

@Foxybyname

he should be living in a houseshare though. Sounds like it would do him good and give him some independence. No mummy around to clean up after him and buy him his coffee pods

There appear to be two distinctly different aspects to your dilemma OP. The first issue is regarding how much rent to charge and honestly there really is no correct answer despite the outrage being directed your way. As you are not financially stretched at this point, the more important aspect is your son’s attitude; his rudeness, lack of gratitude and downright contempt for your rules would worry and annoy me far more. There would be no deposits handed over until the attitude altered significantly.

What does he want to do with his money instead of giving it to you? Save it or piss it up the wall on hobbies and socialising?

he’s getting a very good deal for £500/m. Perhaps give him a view of what the true cost of things is (mortgage/rent, energy, food bills etc). Work out how much his EV costs to charge if you’ve not sure already.

On the pods etc - I’d not buy anything that wouldn’t go in your weekly shop if he wasn’t there.

I suspect he doesn’t see himself as being independent and maybe doesn’t understand why he’s having to pay to be part of the household he was never having to pay for before! But - life as an adult doesn’t work like that. Have him also look around to see what moving out would cost - it’s a lot more than £500 all in.

he also doesn’t sound like a very good or responsible housemate.

In principle YANBU to expect him to pay for things, however I do think £500 Is quite steep, when you don’t need that money. I can’t imagine that it actually reflects the increased costs to you of him living there… so I’d say reduce the monthly amount but make him pay extra for all those things.

Agree, I don't know anybody that would charge their kids this much to live in their family home.

Can he not save anything from the spare £1300 income he has leftover?

I think taking £500 from your own kid for rent when you're not struggling financially is wild.
How is he supposed to save to get on the housing ladder? Unless you're saving that £500 for him to give him back for a deposit?
I'm shocked tbh.

A lot of people saying they would never charge their own children rent/ keep but it depends so much on the child regardless of whether the parent can easily afford to support them. If the child is genuinely saving for a mortgage or cant afford to move out into shared accommodation thats one thing...but if they are living at home and spending spare money on socialising, treats for themselves etc. while not paying any rent surely this is just extending adolescence. I cant help but wonder how many are genuinely saving up to move out.

I was thinking about this a few weeks back as my niece (mid 20s) was due to move into a rented flat with her BF but decided against it...I think she already had concerns but she got the 'ick' because of how mollycoddled her boyfriend was....he lived at home 'rent free' and his parents justified this by saying it was so he could save for a mortgage ...but he didnt look like someone saving for a mortgage..spending 100s on going to festivals, holidays, out every weekend, mum doing his washing.

If I had a child that was genuinely saving to buy or to move out, id want to help them..and one way to do this would be to not ask for a contribution while they are living at home...but if they were living an extended adulthood..spending a money on going out etc. I'd feel I was enabling rather than helping and maybe depriving them of that period in the 20s where living independently can, while being accompanied by money-worries, be amazing (well, when you look back). I left home and struggled financially but had fun living with friends etc. while my brother paid a peppercorn rent to my parents up until he was 30...he now says he wished they'd chucked him out.

Whilst I agree he should be buying his own luxury items on a food shop if he wants them. I think £500 for him to live at home with you is excessive, and you will be profiting from him. If he was mine I’d want to be able to help him save as much as he can as a helping start for him to purchase his own place so would only charge minimal.

Not relevant to the son, but ditch the coffee pods and buy a fully automatic bean to cup machine.

You can get them for as little as £300 and it would pay for itself in a few months.

When my late teen/early 20 son moved back in temporally he was trying to save money to get married and buy a property.i said he could live rent free as long as he as he saves, but that we would feed him. However I did stipulate he himself would have to pay for his social life and his ‘luxury’ items I.e like expensive aftershave, expensive brand deodorant (what’s wrong with dove roll on? He accepted this and save quite a lot. He had a short term job in sainsbury and worked one day a week in a charity shop when I offered to pay for any good quality clothes he found.

he has grown up to be an admirable, responsible family man with his own house, two lovely children and a nice sensible wife

It's not normalin Britain. I only encountered this behaviour from Surrey types. They put forks in their sugar bowls there.