AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

How can it not be relevant? He needs to learn the cost of a roof over your head, heating, hot water, food, council tax - all of which he’d have to pay if he moved out.
It comes as that more of a shock when they do eventually move out, to realise how such things are not gifts from heaven.

At the same time, if all the money is not actually needed by parents, they can always save some or all of it for future rent or property purchase deposits.

But if you can afford it why would you charge a high level of board for them?

We never did. They all function as fully fledged adults. They just saved it instead. Why make life hard for your own kids. Local tents have nothing to do with it. His parents aren’t landlords.

I don’t see how the cost of a flat share is at all relevant. In that scenario, he’d be paying rent to a landlord who is making a profit.

I’d hope his own mother wouldn’t be doing the same. Although maybe not in this case!

What would he have to pay for a flatshare locally, rent only, no bills or food?

To me that is pretty central. OTOH if his rent is including both mobile phone and electricity for his car, I wouldn’t think it at all unreasonable around here, where he’d probably have to pay around £750 pcm just for rent.

I’d certainly get him to buy his own Nespresso pods though.

Yes, there does seem to be a bit of a cultural difference. My English husband would be far happier to take money off our kids ;-)

I remember at school hearing that a girl was going to be paid to babysit her younger sibling. That blew my mind!

I would get him to share the cost of a bean to cup coffee machine . It will make the cost back in just a few months . I got one for my SIL and he now saves about £50 a month by using beans instead of expensive pods .

Totally agree. DH is Spanish and he says it would be unthinkable and actually scandalous to charge DC ‘rent’.

They have a great family-centric culture.

I am from an Asian background and don’t know anyone from my community (who can afford it) who charges their adult kids rent. Yet they have all gone on to get good jobs, work hard and move out as soon as they can. My parents didn’t charge me a penny for a year. I started work then, moved out and have a very strong work ethic.

It is not the case that letting your adult kids live rent-free means they take the piss and become lazy. My kids became independent quickly without us charging them, and they then moved out with friends very soon after. They were also expected to help around the house from a young age. They are respectful and hard working.

This is what family life means to us. We never paid them to do chores or get good grades. We also never charged them rent as we didn’t need their money. We still instilled decent values and a work ethic. No regrets at all.

agree!

(Except he’s not being made to get takeaways - OP pushed back on him expecting her to pay for his takeaways at the weekend even if OP wasn’t around. Pretty sure there’s always something around he could cook!)

He should pay for coffee pods and electric for his car (hes getting the latter back from work). Id not make him get takeaways ... there would always be something there to cook if he wanted to.

Just over £100 a week pretty much all in? I don’t understand how anyone thinks this isn’t very reasonable. He’s an adult with a job! He’s very lucky he has the option of staying with you, FFS. If he doesn’t like it, he can move out. I wouldn’t pay for the coffee pods either, way too overpriced, he gets them himself.

@Gloriia Maybe they do, maybe they don't (OP hasn't said) -a biddable tween can become a stubborn teen overnight, say.

But either way - he's 23 and he has had a couple of attempts at moving out. He's old enough to take some responsibility for his own domestic environment, whatever he was taught when younger. My parents never taught me to cook, but I didn't stand around at uni aged 18 waiting for someone to teach me how to turn a stove on. I bought a student cookbook and figured it out.

For one months worth of pods you could purchase a nice espresso machine with a milk frother. They are perfect for lattes and would be much more cost effective than pods. Also no plastic and you can use the grounds for compost!

I'd wonder why I didn't get him doing stuff in the house from age 10yr on. Wash up before going to play etc. Do your washing or wash the car get some pocket money etc. It's how you do it.

If you have a selfish lazy lump who smokes in the house and doesn't wash up well who has enabled him to be so useless? They learn this behaviour from being allowed to do it for years.

Would you enjoy having someone living in your house who smoked there (despite being asked not to), didn't clean up after himself and didn't do any of the other chores?

I wouldn’t nickel and dime him for the drinks. He should pay for anything like takeout he chooses to get but otherwise he’s part of your family, enjoy having him either way you while he’s there.

If a 23 yr old dc doesn't contribute towards household tasks it's a bit of a fail tbh, ours were washing up and hoovering up way before 23.

Compensating for this laziness by charging a whacking 500 quid then umming and ahhing if coffee pods should be extra demonstrates the very haphazard thinking in that household.

It depends on what the long term plan is. If he's saving for a deposit on a property I would probably only charge for his food and hot water but if he's just coasting then I'd say what you are charging is reasonable and encourage him to rent somewhere

We charge ours what it cost us so we’re not subsidising them but not making a profit from them ether
car charging is completely separate from and will bill him for them

£500 does sound a lot

OP is his mum, she should be happy to clean up after him. Grateful even

He will get an approx £10k deposit when he moves buys a house, plus maybe another £10k from family. So i dont feel we are significantly.limiting his chances of getting a house deposit as he still has £1300 a month to save from.

He doesnt do any shared housework or contribute to the household in other works - doesnt even clean up after himself, we have asked and its not worth the fights/backlash. We have also asked him to not smoke etc in the house/garden which he does anyway.
Any family meals out, take aways as a family etc are paid for by us include for his gf.

All this is wild!
You are seriously tolerating this from a 23 year old?
Both ds usually pay for our family meals out and they normally do it discreetly before we've noticed. Same with takeaways if we have them. Dh has to insist we treat them. Why dont you say 'come on lad, it's your shout on the takeaway tonight ' His reaction will tell you if he has come entitled or not.

The smoking weed would be enough to kick him out permanently to be fair. He is disrespecting your requests and house and as for not helping cleaning, wtf!!!! He is a grown man. Flipping heck, my lads dont even live with me but when they call round and no one is in and they see something needs doing, eg pegging out the washing, chopping up some fire wood for the weekend, they do it without a thought. I thought thst was normal.

I think coffee pods are the least of your issues!

Where is it though?
It’s £850 a month for a room in a shared house in my city but it’s a desirable place to live.

I wouldn’t charge extra for electricity ⚡️

To me this is the most clear cut - DS is getting reimbursement from work for the electric car costs and OP is currently covering that cost herself. That is certainly profiteering by DS!

If DS was filling his car with petrol, OP wouldn’t be paying for that.

My DD earned 1500 a month and paid £175 but she bought her own toiletries, own phone/car etc and (by choice) ate out couple times a week.
id probably divide the pods up when they arrive and if you use your quota you get more or wait for next delivery. I wouldn’t charge extra for electricity ⚡️

She’s said she’s giving him £10k and that other family members are giving him another £10k! The £500 is about teaching him to be responsible with money, he has already been in financial difficulty before