AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

Love your username @QuinqueremeofNiveneh

Not at home- commercially, why should parents heavily subsidise children who are earning well?

He’s 23, not 13.

Who here keeps their wage to “do with as they see fit”? That’s just not reality.

We’re talking about a grown man here, not a child, and grown ups have responsibilities.

We cannot encourage grown adults to avoid those responsibilities for the rest of their lives by running home to their parents and living cost free, in some domestic hotel.

He has moved out, twice, with OP and her DH bailing him out when he had financial issues.

Slightly at odds with various PPs characterisation of them as abhorrent and profiteering, but there we are.

Frankly I find that hard to believe, as £500 in the late 80s is equivalent to over £1400 now.

Your parents were making a fortune if that’s what they were charging!

@QuinqueremeofNiveneh

That is a disgraceful post. His parents are already profiting from him and you want them to make even more?

He earns a wage and it is his to do with as he sees fit.

I was paying £500 rent in the late 80's- your son needs a reality check. If he takes home £1800 a month why hasn't he moved out/ That is plenty to run a household on- if he doesn't want to move out I would increase his rent to £800 a month and he pays for his own EV and luxury grocery top ups. You'll never get him to launch charging him next to nothing- he will get used to spending£1300 a month and you will be stuck.

Yes, because it's not nearly enough!

The basics of an indepedent, adult life cost a lot more.

He's failed out in the real world and returned to mum and dad's house. Which means that he (tragically!) needs to be parented again. And parenting means getting your children ready to live independently, furnishing him with the skills he needs.

Leaving him with 1300 a month to fritter away as he sees fit while the parents shop and cook and clean and wash for him as he smokes and intimidates them, is, frankly, nuts.

The only way he'll learn is if they provide him with a simulation of reality. Financial and practical.

How do you know her bills?

well obviously it’s not changing his behaviour as we have already heard, but at a minimum it makes him at least contribute something financially to the cost of having him there and sends a message that he cannot just stay there for free. I would go much further than £500 a month and set boundaries around the respect and cleaning up issues. Plus ask for a contribution to food - he can have his own cupboard. I would not pay for his phone at 23. Ridiculous! The expectation at 23 is he is living independently but making a saving by paying a reduced rent. He would pay much more on the open market. The expectation is that saving is invested for a house deposit so he can eventually move out. If he doesn’t do that then what incentive is there to ever move out?

I think the £500 is fair enough if he does nothing in the house, you provide cleaning, laundry, meals etc. Yes of course he should buy his own fancy stuff, the cheeky git, and should NOT be smoking in the house if you ask him not to. That would be enough reason to encourage him to find somewhere else.

It is explorative to make money out of your DC when you don’t need it.

£500 is much more than what it will cost the OP for her son to stay at home.

Why is he even living at home? You are out in the sticks and penny-pinching. If I were him I would move out. It sounds like your relationship is dreadful.

Wouldn't happen in our house either, but charging £500 a month doesn't change his behaviour...

In terms of charging I do think it moves the goals posts, you are putting conditions on them staying.

Behaviour is slight different I wouldn't tolerate how the OP's son behaves, but my children would treat the house and us with respect. so wouldn't be an issue, either way charging rent will not change that.

Can you explain why encouraging salaried adults to pay their way is exploitative?

This idea that DC need to be exploited by their parents to learn how to manage their finances is ludicrous.

Parents should be helping DC learn about money from a young age. Unless they have SEN, they will be well aware of how much things cost.

They can be welcome and also responsible adults who pay their way. The two are not mutually exclusive. Being welcome means there will always be a home for them, and they will always be welcome and comfortable there. It doesn't mean they will never have to pay their way or lift a finger to help keep the home neat and tidy.

But he isn’t either independent or responsible is he? He left home a few times and had to bailed out! He disrespects the house rules not to smoke in the house ( disgusting to put that on people) and doesn’t clear up after himself. Then gets his meals cooked and bills paid. Sounds like a lazy disrespectful freeloader to me. Wouldn’t happen on my watch - I would not have bailed him out. I would have let him fail so he learns the value of money. At 23 he now has to learn through self discovery. As I said, OP is good to charge rent but is still now enabling a freeloading male who no doubt will expect to do fuck all to support his wife in the future as he has never had to stand up and be a real man. Grim.

It is up to us to teach our kids to do housework as they are growing up, for whatever reason the op hasn't bothered and has a lazy 23yr old.

You don't know if she hasn't bothered. You don't know if DH hasn't bothered. Just because he isn't doing it now, doesn't mean he wasn't shown how to do it. And he is 23 - he hardly believes that fairies are coming round to wash the pans. He's persuaded someone to give him paying work - ergo, he can load a dishwasher, or ask how to if he really can't figure it out.

'I really can’t understand parents that don’t. It’s about teaching him responsibility as an adult and that if he was renting he would be paying nearly 3 x that.'

They know that. In the same way they know if we give them a lift somewhere it is free, if they get a taxi they pay.

It is up to us to teach our kids to do housework as they are growing up, for whatever reason the op hasn't bothered and has a lazy 23yr old.

500 quid a month to live in the family home then quibbling about coffee and electricity is absolutely crazy.

I wasn't including mortgage sorry I no longer have one so didn't cross my mind. A fair share of utilities/ food ) council tax ( I lost my 25% discount for having adult child thereand utilities more than doubled. No standing charge on gas/ electric so all usage

Having pondered on it further - once a dc is an adult earning enough that they do have a realistic option of moving out, that is the point at which I consider it fair they pay a meaningful contribution to the costs of the household. Not such a big contribution that they can’t save or have a social life, but a meaningful one.

Because they are making an adult decision to stay in the parental home vs a viable alternative

Why?? People seem to have different views, but from my perspective we are providing a family home, and have told all the children that whatever happens in their lives they will always be welcome. We have those costs regardless of whether they live with us or not. Happy for them to contribute to additional costs of them stay, food gas/electric etc. however for me I don't expect our children to pay our mortgage...

I would much rather they save the money and become self sufficient sooner, than us charge some arbitrary amount of money that we don't need, however I know everyone might be in the same situation as us.

Families in Spain are extremely close-knit and will support each other when necessary.

However, it would be absolutely shameful and embarrassing for parents to be charging DC to stay in the family home.

Grandparents or siblings would often step in to help those struggling.