AIBU - expecting son to pay for his own 'luxury' groceries on top of rent

SP here of 17 yrs, In my neck of the woods, Council Tax alone went up by £89 pm once they were allowed back home aged 18, I also pay £73 pm for their phone,

Thanks for those numbers @Redragtoabull. This is why it would be helpful if the OP shared what it actually costs having her DS live at home. For you, just those two bills cost you an extra £162 pm. 😱 Then add on food, utilities and anything else you cover, it’s probably a few hundred pm extra. That’s a lot.

I don't think whether the parents need the money or not is always a factor....there just seem to be two camps, each wanting the best for their children and going about it in different ways.

Where I live property is stupidly expensive I know more than one affluent family where the kids have had to work to pay for their own driving lessons and cars but the driver of the shuttle bus I caught yesterday said he'd love a holiday to escape the rain but couldn't afford one because his son would need a car soon and he wanted to buy him something decent.

I very much doubt there are many parents who actually want to.profit off their children...that's rubbish.

I wouldn’t take a deposit from my parents either, as it happens. It’s my house, and I’ll buy it.

@SleeplessInWherever I used to have the same mindset but it’s changed over time.
Life is hard work and a few years ago, I decided not to look gift horses in the mouth anymore! If someone offers me something and I know that they can afford it, I take it with thanks nowadays. I’m advising my young adult children to do the same, If I’m able to offer them something towards a deposit, I want them to take it and make their lives a little easier.

SP here of 17 yrs, In my neck of the woods, Council Tax alone went up by £89 pm once they were allowed back home aged 18, I also pay £73 pm for their phone, so when said child was earning a steady amount I suggested £100 pw and was met with 'but my friends only pay £250' pm, my response was 'go and live with them then'
Everyone talks about GEN Z being incompetent but then want to mollycoddle them and give them even more less life skills. No I don't need their 'rent' what they do need is to prioritise a roof over their heads as a bare fucking minimum! Get real

SP here of 17 yrs, In my neck of the woods, Council Tax alone went up by £89 pm once they were allowed back home aged 18, I also pay £73 pm for their phone, so when said child was earning a steady amount I suggested £100 pw and was met with 'but my friends only pay £250' pm, my response was 'go and live with them then'
Everyone talks about GEN Z being incompetent but then want to mollycoddle them and give them even more less life skills. No I don't need their 'rent' what they do need is to prioritise a roof over their heads as a bare fucking minimum! Get real

I agree with all your points.
Me personally, I wanted my own home and wanted to start having children in my 30’s, and I couldn’t have afforded to have done that with my bog-standard job (earnings similar to a teacher, social worker, nurse) if I hadn’t lived at home to save for a deposit.

Exactly this .
Jesus , that’s a huge amount to be charging your own child when you say you don’t even need it !.
Fair enough he buys his own treats & that .
This rubbish , “ let him see what it’s like to live in the real world “ 🙄.
He could save that money for a deposit for a house for himself .
He will not look back on you fondly for this when he is older OP .

A PP (who has a massive bee in her bonnet about parents charging rent) noted that she had paid around £500 pcm for fully catered halls and that those halls were a better deal than OP was offering her son.

I was pointing out that £500 was very low for catered halls, in my experience, and that (of course) such halls come with restrictions that OP’s DS is not currently following eg keep clean and don’t smoke.

Hope that’s clarified it for you @Terfarina

Errr, what????

I’m completely happy with all those rules, as is he!!

what do you expect?

• halls cannot be leased out any other time of the year so the money you are paying is effectively for 12 months
• less than £1k pcm for catered is amazing - in my city a room in a shared house in a rubbish part of town costs more than that
• poor flower having to hoover his own room, do his own laundry, change his own bedding... shouldn't young people be used to that?
• do you really think the uni should pay for snacks and drinks and fuel for your little prince's car?
• unis don't make the rules about tv licensing or netflix or whatever - imagine of they did and paid for packages prince didnt use so you were subsidising other people's children!
• unfortunately smoking - and students who smoke usually cover smoke detectors in their room - presents a life safety hazard to everyone living there.
• Being unsanitary is grim for everyone else too - surely you've taught Prince not to be a minger?
• I sincerely hope he is not as entitled as you

In cities like Vancouver and Toronto (and suburbs) houses often have single or double basement suites (sometimes a lane way house) as well. This allows for privacy and multi-generational living.

You can fill the fridge, hoover the carpets, scrub the bathrooms in your parent’s house too — nobody stopping you.

I bought my first house in the suburbs of an expensive city with my partner pretty much mortgage free because my parents didn’t charge rent whilst living at home—same with my partner. We also have a rental property, holiday home, other investments and substantial savings simply because of being able to live rent-free with parents in our twenties.

Been there, done that with bells on. I didn't enjoy my sons smoking, being messy or loud or whatever but I did take deep breaths and remembered they were young people finding their way in life and it was great to have more time with them at home. You have to think about protecting your longer term relationship - ie what really matters - rather than house share bickering.

My lads have lived away from home for 4 & 6 years and we are all really close, they come on holidays with us and we are all in touch all the time. That stuff is more important than worrying whose turn it is to load the dishwasher or if someone is drinking a lot of coffee.

I do wonder what words some people can possibly use to describe, say, drink drivers or tradesmen fleecing pensioners, if the act of charging of board and lodgings to a salaried adult brings out the word “abhorrent”…

I don’t believe anyone would take issue with a 23 year old living at home except on this thread.

The majority of that age group are still living at home, and it is becoming more common. It makes sense imo unless you are moving for work/education or have grabby parents like the OP.

90%+ of 23 year olds in Spain live at home. They have much better life satisfaction and far fewer mental health issues as there is less pressure to join the rat race and no greedy parents seeing their DC as a cash cow.

It’s likely a sensible financial decision for lots of people. I’d have bought my first home sooner had I stayed with my parents.

But - don’t believe it’s a sensible lifestyle decision. I think when you’re an adult, you’re supposed to have your own fridge to fill, your own carpets to hoover, and be responsible for your own life. Fully responsible.

I wouldn’t take a deposit from my parents either, as it happens. It’s my house, and I’ll buy it.

Financial sense or otherwise, I think independence is more important. I cannot imagine having been in my mid-twenties and still staying in my boyfriend’s room at his parents. Or telling my mum when I’ll be home.

I get on great with my parents, but having my own space and own life is absolutely invaluable, and always has been.

I find that hard to believe I paid £325 in 1980.

It's normal in my circle to live with parents, save a deposit and then buy a house too. No one really bothers renting.
I suppose it depends on a few things really.
Some people go to university and don't return to their home town, so will need to rent, their parents are 100's of miles away.
Others are just enjoying their twenties as a single person, so settling down and mortgaging up isn't on their radar.
There will also be people who don't want to stay in one place, intend to move jobs/ cities regularly, so buying doesn't make any sense.
I don't know why people are judging those in their 20s who still live at home, it's weird to do that. It is a sensible financial decision for a lot of people.

Abhorrent for encouraging a grown man to pay their own way? 😂

We all know £500 in the grand scheme of paying bills is nothing. I was paying more than that in rent alone at his age.

You might want entitled kids who live in your pocket forever, but it’s not for everyone.

@SilkySquirrel

thats your view 🤷‍♀️
others have different views

and young women/men who may be otherwise be interested in OP’s son romantically may well get the ick about the fact that an adult is living with his parents when he doesn’t need to and can’t clean up after himself and disrespects his mother. I mean it is pretty ick inducing!

@GregoryMcGregor Yes, in expensive cities with plenty of job opportunities, living at home while saving makes complete sense. If you’re from an area that doesn’t have much going on, you may have no choice except to move for work-or if you’re in a sector that has better-paid opportunities elsewhere. DH and I have always had to move for work, we couldn’t have progressed in our home towns tbh.

Well, personally I think any parent who takes a “decent sum” off their DC unless they are absolutely desperate or the DC is loaded is abhorrent, so there we are.

£500 pcm (or not much more, whatever that means…) for fully catered halls is a spectacular deal.

I’m paying about £10k across three terms for total DS1, for a contract running late Sep to late June. This is fully catered, but the students are expected to hoover their rooms, do their own laundry and sheets, pay for laundry pods and any snacks or drinks outside of meal times. Parking is limited, but of course any fuel or EV charging would be extra. Netflix, tv license etc are all on top.

And if you smoke in your room at all, or fail a cleanliness inspection too many times, you are out.

🤔

I know plenty of men and women who lived at home with their parents during their twenties, and managed to save up and buy houses/townhouses/condos with their partners in expensive cities like Vancouver, Toronto and London (or suburbs). In my circle, it’s the norm. I think it’s excellent financial planning.

She's not like a regular mom, she's a cool mom

Only 50% of 23 year old’s do though, still more weighted toward males. Weird, I wonder why young men are more likely to stay at home and less likely to fend for themselves.

I grew up in the NE. Most either move out for uni and stay moved out, or leave home around 19/20. Renting usually, I don’t know anyone who moved straight into a mortgaged home, they saved hard for it whilst leaving independently from parents.

Before someone says “not in the South East,” you could still move out and rent, and if you can’t, then you should still be paying parents a decent sum because life, is not free.

I have to say, if I was in my twenties and met a man who still lived with his parents, it would be hugely off putting. I wouldn’t see it as financial planning, I’d see it as a desperate need to
grow up.