I know there have been many threads in the past about this topic and it usually doesn't end too well. So here I am starting one again!
The reason is that in the last couple of days, I had the chance to reflect on life choices that have turned out to be success stories where resilience played a significant role. It's left me thinking again about the benefits of resilience and how we go about getting to that point.
My family, on the surface, appears very mundane. Middle class, quite stable, no big drama. Behind the scenes, not as calm though. Myself: divorced parents, only child, very difficult relationship with step parents, moved schools 7 times before getting my A levels, a couple of times mid-year. Lived on my own at 16yo. All together, by the time I was 30, I'd moved home 17 times!
My kids had a more stable time in comparaison but still not easy. Separated parents before the age of 3, FT working mum, often stressed with managing everything. Father shouting his love to them but not very present at all in every day life or even when they were with him. No extended family, grand parents living far away and only contact once a year on holiday. Very difficult relationship with step parent.
Yet somehow, we've become very healthy, happy and productive adults. Before anyone questions it. Yes, really! Great jobs, great relationships, good self-esteem, no mental issues besides some very short term depression. We're not the only ones by far.
So it does make me think how much this is a result of resilience building. No severe trauma, just some life difficulties we had to face and learn from. My parents could have sheltered me. I could have sheltered my kids more, but none of us would want our lives different because of who it's made us.
I can't help, inevitably, thinking that as a whole, children and teenagers are growingly more and more sheltered from emotionally difficult events, events that teach them that in hardship, we learn that it doesn't have to hurt so much next time, even to the point that it doesn't hurt as all.
I am NOT referring to abuse. Let's make this clear. I'm talking about the many choices parents make so not to affect their kids negatively when maybe it is doing more harm by not teaching them, with a lot of love and support, that is is okay to face hardship and find the way to cope with it come out of it stronger, so that next time they face similar, they are confident about their ability to manage it.