To admit I am not strong enough for my job?

It sounds like my idea of hell! I would far rather earn a pittance and have an actual life. I'm sure you could find something suitable without all the sacrifice of your time. It's really not sustainable, and certainly not good for your health.

Partner did similar grind, survived just over a decade. Retired early but the slow slow pace he couldn't hack. Back working doing what he enjoys and we are all much happier at the slower pace. I had high pace for about 5 years but the kids got me out early. Had to choose between my London career and raising my kids (their father passed when I was in second pregnancy so I honestly had to choose between seeing my children literally or work).

We have benefited greatly from our previous roles as we saved a decent amount and can afford to have the quieter life. Honestly op, more to life than work. When on our deathbeds, my short lived career will be the laaaaaaast thing on my mind. I think partner still earns well, just obviously huge paycut vs what was before but I do think he's still in the higher earning bracket, and life is good. Really good op. We thought it was good before even with him working stupid hours when he was needed because he managed but now we know this life - the grind isn't worth it. You never know tomorrow. Take care of yourself op.

Aaa memories. Partner would get anxiety attacks when important things at work popped up (I don't want to be too revealing sorry) and it used to drive me up the wall, he'd literally be physically unwell when waiting to see how things went. I used to keep telling him no work was worth this but I felt the need to support as I'm a sahm (my own finances but he also spoils us!) And it was very tiring for both of us sometimes. Work was also prioritised a lot over holidays too now I think about it. Our first proper holiday was a week after he retired. Like he was chilling and not cuddling his laptop. I don't know if you have someone to support you too op. It's financially worth it in a way if you save wisely and then settle down in a good paying job and live quieter, I fully recommend! I hope you have support though.

I would not do this. I am a hospital consultant and used to do 112 hour weeks in the 90s. But it was for patients and at the time I saw value in my work. No way would I do that kind of hours just for money, unless I found the actual role enjoyable.

I know I couldn't do a job like this in a million years, and not for any salary, I'm just not built for that stress level and so I don't do it. It's ok not to be suited to a very insane lifestyle. Also, with money, I'm not sure my friends who are on 200k plus are happier than those of us on 50k, they have the same troubles, the same friend and kid problems, they are just people muddling along in the world.

You do have choices, OP, and don't be seduced by money IMO, once you have met a baseline of reasonable salary, which you would even if you downsized now.

I could have written this post 2 years ago after working in what sounds like an identical job for 6 years - almost exactly word for word! I quit shortly after, earn a fraction now but can’t even tell you how much happier and healthier I am - although it did take a good few months to decompress xx

What is the point in sticking this out to feel like you're 'succeeding' if you're miserable all the time?

Very few people can maintain this long term. Perhaps those people are not 'stronger', just idiots to sacrifice so much for this job. .

There are so many jobs you could side step into that will be reasonably well paid, but enable you to have a life.

Get out now or you will burn out and one day you will simply no longer be able to go in, and that will be far worse than making a plan to move and implementing it.

You won't earn the same money, but you say you cannot do this job, so it's not actually a choice.

Yes but you can work in IB for 10 years and then… retire. Thats what most of their goals is.

There’s plenty of other jobs you can do which will use your experience and pay very well, but don’t come with the hyper stress and silly money. Back office / client management/ some policy or regulatory roles for example.

Absolutely no shade if it’s not for you

(signed, an ex fund manager who is now going something far more interesting, still in a similar industry)

YABU to say you are not 'strong enough'. Too many employers take the piss and expect you to be grateful, and they sometimes play up the idea that you must be too weak to keep up if you won't let them dominate your whole life.

I don’t think a lot of people are able for that level of intensity and stress on a daily basis.
Save, save, save.
Take time outside of work to relax for some balance. Good luck.

A friend of mine has a similar job and told me this week it’s the money that matters. She is falling apart but won’t admit it. We’re all really worried about her. It’s good you’ve come to this conclusion. If you haven’t get squirrelling away and change jobs. Take a few weeks off in between and enjoy!

What’s your salary OP? Curious to know what an 80 hr week is worth these days.

I had a similar routine in law when starting out and called time after 4 years of killing myself in private practice so I do empathise.

I took the experience from my ridiculously high stress consulting job and parlayed it into a career with much better work life balance and a very decent salary. It’s not stratospheric, but I still earn a very comfortable living and my sanity and morals are intact.

Every once in awhile my teenager bemoans that I could be making 7 figures by now, then I remind her she likes seeing her mother and her mother likes not having a heart attack.

the career you chose is designed to use and abuse the staff and discard them. There isn’t room for everyone at the top and there is always a new class ready for the junior roles. It’s ok to step out and use your skills elsewhere.

"If you don't make time for your wellness, you'll have to make time for your illness".
Cheesy but true. Listen to that voice you can hear and get the hell out before you do yourself permanent damage. None of this "not strong enough", that sounds crazy to us normal people. I wouldn't do a job like that for all the money on earth.

Its not about being strong or weak. It's about recognising how something fits you.

OP, @edwinbearis right, but you may not want/be able to stick it out for another couple of years, and that’s fine. Make the choice that is right for you, but take the time to work out where you want to go, rather than jump into the first lower-stress role that comes about. I was in a similar situation almost 20 years ago and, had it not been for my (now) DH, I would have jumped into the wrong job, simply because it was low stress and used the skills I had. I waited a bit longer (3 months), a much more interesting lower stress job came about and I never looked back. In fact, every time I meet the few contemporaries who did not jump ship, I am delighted I did.

good luck!

Can't speak to IB but I crashed out of the financial services team of a US law firm where I did similar hours. I felt a bit at the time like I wasn't strong enough/ had failed but now I feel good about it all. Wasn't for me (long term) but that's fine. Job now suits me much better and I still earn enough for my purposes.

That sounds awful. I wouldn’t do it for all the money in the world.

I think you have to really thrive in an always on, full pressure environment to do something like that.

OP I’ve been in IB for 25 years. The hours will always be long but as a Y4, I’m assuming you’re at Associate level? Once you get to VP and then Director, you get much more control over your work. There won’t be so much spreadsheet/PowerPoint work and you’ll be out originating far more. It’s much easier. It’s not for everyone, but there is no denying the rewards are superb if you can stick it out for another couple of years.

They pay you so much because they are expecting to buy you. Wholesale. For whatever is required.

It's not weak to have done that for four years. I'd say it was pretty fucking sane and strong to say enough of that and look at other options.

It's not you OP, it's the job.

People only do it for a few years, it’s a piss take endurance exercise for young people. Your time is up- Time for another job!

It's not about strong enough - you're not weak. You've worked in a high-stress, high-performance role for an intense 4 years and I assume the financial rewards have been high, but it might be time for a change. If you're on an investment banking salary you can afford to see a careers coach or life coach who can help you think through your options, identify your strengths and what you want and take some control back. I would really recommend doing that.

Can you move out of M&A into something with slightly more predictable hours? Sideways move into asset management?