Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

There's a difference between wanting to be a father, and understanding what it means to actually parent a baby and child.

I am worried about his very unrealistic expectations already, his lack of care and respect for you whilst pregnant and his disinterest in the pregnancy.

Do you have any other family support for when the baby arrives @Sanpellegrino1 ? I would look into contingency plans if it turns out that your partner is as unkeen to parent as he seems likely to be.

not coming to routine appointments is fine - the majority of partners only come to the scans and do not attend the ordinary midwife appointments, but not coming to MAU when you have concerns is not on, and his general behaviour seems utterly rubbish.

Yanbu to want more support. I'd expect partners to attend appointments for reduced movements in case of bad news. And to say no 'in case you get kept in...' surely if you were being kept in it would be because there was something quite worrying, and its concerning he didn't want to support you with that. I struggled in pregnancy and whilst my husband was supportive physically etc he clearly didn't get it, but he dropped everything and came to the hospital one day with me when I had reduced movements and a bit of bleeding, because it was stressful and upsetting.

I also think it's shit that he didn't come to the scans. I went to one on my own - husband offered to come but would have meant he had to re arrange a work trip, so I said I was fine to go by myself in case there was a lot of waiting (and i genuinely was, i was a bit in denial at that point). But the 'do I have to come' question indicates that he'd only be coming if you made him rather than a. Taking an interest in the baby / showing any excitement at seeing it on screen the first time and b. making an adult decision himself that his wife might need support if the scans flagged something worrying (I know a few people who had a missed miscarriage flagged at 12 week scan). And getting annoyed that you were sick on the floor or wake him up shows a general lack of care about you or empathy for what you're going through.

I'd be sitting him down and telling him his behaviour is not good enough. If he acts like he doesn't care and forces you to feel like you're doing it all alone for long enough then it will end up a self fulfilling prophecy

How old us thus idiot ? I think you you’ll have to tell him. “Wanting a family, pregnancy & having a baby, is more than participating in active sex.
Vomitting, health issues, including potential death of mother/or baby, are also part if it. Potential Emotional roller coasters come with hormones.
Much of this is out of his, or your, control. But one thing that he can control, is empathy, kindness & support.
This includes sitting with you in a waiting room while you are afraid you are losing a living being growing inside you.
IF he no longer gives a shit about this very real “problem” that will soon be living in your house with you, then NOW is the time to bail out. He has proven to be a failure as partner, husband & as a potential father its not looking promising ”
Do not cry, tell him & mean it.

Odd, did you say he wanted to be a father?
❤️

I don’t see the relevance. You were happy to go alone.

OP was not and her child’s father was completely unsupportive in what could have been a serious situation.

Telling a vulnerable pregnant woman, whose husband is a bit shit, that it will only get worse and she should leave him now? Yes, I call that irresponsible.

Which part is irresponsible. They said what they would do not what OP should do and his behaviour is worsening.

No, in conjunction with being mean about you throwing up and irritated with other pregnancy stuff, this doesn't sound right. Choosing not to attend a reduced fetal movement appointment when you could have received devastating news (thankfully you didn't but he didn't know that) is beyond unsupportive.

Some of what you describe sounds borderline controlling. You're not wrong to note this behaviour.

Not disagreeing with you at all there @Kizmet1!

I agree with you. But this is the reality many of us deal with, and you can't really know how your partner will respond until you're already in it and at that point all you can really do is grit your teeth and educate him.

Put them on both your phones and have equal control.

This is such an irresponsible thing to say.

I bloody bet you're terrified!

Have you done any antenatal classes yet, or do you have any couple friends with babies? It's really crap, but he might take being told the basics better if it comes from someone else/maybe from another man?

There is a reason why abuse and shitty behaviour ramps up during pregnancy. You are extremely vulnerable, have too much on your plate, he is no longer the centre of your life.

It will get 100 times worse after you give birth.

I'd pack my bags and go.

Sorry, but honestly, men should get it.

It is not rocket science.

Even if a man has somehow missed the fact that a baby that stops moving might be in serious trouble - and I do see how he might have done; we all have to start learning somewhere - a decent partner's response is to think 'well, she seems really upset ... I'd better try to understand why, after all, she is, you know, carrying my child and all'.

It would then take him all of two minutes to do a quick google and think 'ah! This is actually a bit scary'.

Not hard.

You need to sit down and have a conversation with him.

if write down how your a feeling and some of the specific examples that have made you feel unsupported so you don’t forget.

have a proper sit down and ask what’s going on with his behaviour. Why he acting like this especially if it is out of character. If it’s not out of character then let him know that he needs to step and his usual isn’t cutting it.

yes he is being shit and lazy and quite mean but he needs to be made aware and given the opportunity to to change before you make any bigger decisions.

Missing routine appointments, blood tests I understand. With my pregnancies I had to see the MW a lot more due to blood issues and he could not take time off for every appointment.

But reduced movements your husband should be there, should want to be there! Regardless of work, he could miss 1 nights sleep and still work the next day!!

Id be addressing why he felt it was ok to send you alone!

I mean, the fact you dont know so is maybe indicating to me that you are now realising in hindsight that there were issues before you got pregnant, does that sound right? You deserve to be confident that your partner loves and cares for you in their actions AND words. And your baby needs a father who can do that too.

I went to those on my own as well. I wouldn't speak from a place of not having experienced it. I just think it is an incredibly sensitive time for a woman in a way that not all men understand without having it absolutely spelt out for them.
It isn't fair that the OP has to tell her partner how to be useful to her, but clearly she does need to, and I do hope he will pick it up and do better for her.

So he was with you for you scans? He just wasn't with you when you went for a suspected UTI, or for spotting, or for what he will have heard as "just another thing"?

I don't think you have a mental health problem. You have a crap husband problem. He didn't even want to come to the scan? It doesn't sound like he a) wants the baby or b) cares much about you. Don't let anyone kid you this is all 'your' problem because you have 'mental health issues!'

I'm a generally anxious person and was told by my midwife that I should be taking any reduced fetal movements much more seriously. I was induced early and luckily all was ok. Don't be deterred, better to get checked. It's not anxiety.

I think this is extremely likely.