Maternity assessment and husband - AIBU

Very good advice.

Also the advice to work out an alternative support network if possible because I expect you would be less anxious if you knew he would have your back and take care of you.
And also if he didn't tell you off for being sick when you were in fact... sick.
Also banish you to a cold spare room because he cannot be woken up at night.

He sounds uncaring. I'm glad your midwife referred you so that you have someone to talk to in real life and help you plan the rest of your pregnancy in a way that makes you feel supported.
Wishing you the very best OP x

How old is he? He sounds very rigid and controlling yet disengaged from the reality of living in a relationship or becoming a parent.

This is nonsense. It is, in fact, ‘sweeping and unhelpful’. Men who are not arseholes do not behave like this. It’s neither normal nor acceptable. We should not minimise poor male behaviour.

If your partner ever behaved like this, then he was being a dick and treating you reprehensibly. I’m very glad that he eventually became engaged and supportive, but that doesn’t excuse his earlier behaviour or make it something ‘lots of men’ do.

Oh op. He is showing he doesn't care for you or the baby. No decent person would let their pregnant partner drive themselves to check the baby is OK or shout at you for being sick.

I'm actually a bit worried he could turn abusive op and I don't usually day things like that.

I’ve gone to all appointments myself apart from scans, so I don’t think that’s unusual in itself but his attitude is awful! It doesn’t sound like he cares about the baby or you, I’m really sorry he’s being so horrible. What does he say if you ask him why he’s being this way?

This sounds incredibly tough - and for what it’s worth his behaviour is a problem and not good. You are not imagining that. I would absolutely get all the mental health support I could but also start building your own network of support - friends, join NCT of an equivalent etc. I don’t know your financial circumstances but I would also try and make sure they are rock solid as best you can - make sure he is contributing appropriately to all the baby costs, you aren’t using your savings up during maternity leave but instead are using joint money to support your child, etc.

If you feel up to it after mental health support and building your support network I’d then have a come to Jesus discussion with him along the lines of “the baby is unlikely to sleep through the night for at least the first 6 months - I am going to need you to do X, X and X to support the baby. Once we have the baby there will be a bunch more things. Once I go back to work we will need to share all childcare and housework equally - that means you doing X, X and x. Are you up for that or do you think that your life is going continue as normal with no meaningful additional work and responsibilities. If the latter then it’s best you left the home and we can organise child support and once the child is older a shared custody schedule because you don’t understand what being a father in this family looks like.

So sorry you are going through your first pregnancy with so little support OP.
Do you have any friends or family nearby?
If so, please reach out to them.

Your husband does not appear to have any empathy for you or any enthusiasm for his future child which is a major concern.

From your comments, it sounds like he has disengaged so I'm wondering why he ever popped the question.

You absolutely need additional support at this time.
It might be worth reaching out to a local helpline or women's refuge centre for a chat and to relieve some of the tension you are keeping inside.

Take care.

Your life is going to be a living hell once the baby is born. You need to access whatever help you can. Talk to your midwives and let them know that you are basically going to be parenting alone. Your health visitor can also help. Don't try to struggle on your own.

Obviously you need to make plans to leave even though you are not strong enough to deal with it all now.

Do women on mumsnet just have kids with anyone 🤔

Might be worth speaking to HIDVA you are under the heading emotional abuse plus you have previous history of abuse within your family. You could also reach out to women’s aid that will be able to support you.

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

I fear you and the baby will be forever shunned.
What's going to happen when the baby gets here and wakes every few hours for a feed? It will definitely keep him up. Your bedroom should be both of yours. You should both share duties when baby arrives.
If anyone should have vacated the marital bed, it should have been him.
I honestly think he's vile. Especially waking you up when you are asleep in the spare room - after already banishing you from your main bedroom - to tell you that you should have turned the hallway light off! Who wakes a pregnant woman?
He's treating you like shit.

There's being crap or lazy and there's being mean, nasty and uncaring. Her DH is the latter.

What was he doing that was more important than you had the baby ?
He is not a good man.

There is a hell of a lot wrong with your relationship, and basically with him.

His behaviour is appalling. My marriage would have ended if my DH had behaved like that.

You need to tell him straight that you expect to be cared for and loved more now than usual, not less. He has to step up immediately.

Huh?

The OP hasn’t turned up hysterical to multiple appointments. She has been upset on the way to appointments, and once, this most recent time, cried when the midwife was kind and intuitive enough to realise something was amiss.

I hope you can explain to the perinatal mental health that problems in your relationship are a part of the issue if not the whole issue.

I think this is very sweeping and quite unhelpful, sorry.

Lots of people (men) who haven't had a baby before are a bit crap. It doesn't feel real or intense the way it does for us. It's all a bit surreal until the baby is here. My partner was like this until he got the absolute shock of his life during the birth 😂. Has been very engaged and supportive since. He was much better second time around.

I have driven myself down (20-30 minutes and usually quite upset).

Your OP states otherwise

Why? What are you gaining from being with him?

If you were to prioritise your wellbeing and that of your baby, from this moment on, what would that look like? Would a life in which you and your child were your number one priority include this man?

It is good that you have been referred. You need support. Turning up for multiple appointments hysterical would worry any healthcare professional. It would be poor duty of care if they ignored this.

Are you sure? He doesn't act like he wants to be married to you, let alone be having a baby together.

I'm sorry, I don't mean to come across harsh, but you definitely deserve more.

Are we reading the same thread?! As on the thread I’m reading, 95% think YANBU and that this man is treating you abominably. A small handful have questioned the crying and/or your characterisation of your reaction as ‘hysterical’.

To state that there are several posters who think I am creating drama and over reacting is to misrepresent the responses you’ve received. You know that his behaviour isn’t acceptable. You know that you’re not overreacting. If anything, you’re severely under reacting.

I’m very sorry that you’re dealing with this. Nobody deserves to be treated so callously, particularly at such a vulnerable time.

You staying late at work to avoid him, not having access to the heating controls and him being annoyed you’re getting up at night to pee are really bad signs OP.
It’s really good that the midwife has referred you, you need to tell them everything that’s happening and get all the support you can.

Trying to understand her mindset? I've left other helpful comments with advice if you'd like to go and judge those