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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider moving to somewhere ExH will struggle to get to?

69 replies

prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:23

My ExH and I have DC. We currently live about 1.5 hours drive from him, about 2 hours all in via public transport. On his weekend (EOW) he picks them up and drops them off. He does this via a mix of his family driving him and public transport (normally picks them up via public transport and gets a lift from his parents when dropping them home. There’s nothing that is stopping him from driving or learning to drive other than he cba. I medically cannot drive, although my DH drives, I can’t. ExH also doesn’t pay any maintenance or buy Dc anything they need, does buy them birthday/Christmas presents but that’s it, I have to send clothing for them sometimes when they’re going to his. He actually lives with his parents as well and from what Dc tell me, they cook for Dc/buy them their clothes for their house etc.

We are looking to move areas. There is an area that we are interested in which takes about 1 hour 20 mins from his to drive to but there’s no direct public transport / the changes etc add up to 3-4 hours each way. This is due to ExH living rurally as he moved back in with his parents. Eldest Dc told me that they heard his parents saying to him that they’re not going to do the lifts for him for much longer. Aibu to think that this is up to him to sort out re picking/dropping them off on his weekends if we do choose this area or Aibu to consider this area? It’s been 5 years they’ve been giving him lifts when he could’ve learned to drive. He’s admitted that it’s purely out of laziness/lack of desire that he hasn’t learnt.

OP posts:
HoskinsChoice · 14/01/2026 14:25

Pretty much all of the OP is irrelevant. The only important consideration is this is his relationship with the kids.

Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 14:13

@bettyblackdogyou have my full sympathies, I’m so sorry that you’re being held back by him 😔

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Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 14:12

@RudolphRNRI literally want to provide for them and give them a good life?🫠 why shouldn’t he move?

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Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 14:11

Thank you @GasperyJacquesRobertsthat’s very helpful!

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RudolphRNR · 14/01/2026 14:10

You’re punishing your kids for their father’s behaviour. Do you really want them spending hours travelling every other weekend? I’d be looking to move somewhere easier for them to travel to/from not harder.

Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 14:10

That is a very good point @Wordsmitheryabout them being able to travel themselves as teens and help them feel more in control, I’m really grateful for that. There are places that we could consider that he could get to more directly and quicker than 3 hours but they are further away than where we are currently.

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bettyblackdog · 14/01/2026 14:09

I’m in a similar position although I currently live closer to my ex. It’s really annoying that I feel trapped here so my kids can have a relationship with him, even though I could give them what I would deem better lifestyle and hour and a half drive away., because he’s not willing to learn how to drive a car. I’ve been offered the chance to learn a skilled trade, moving expenses paid for to a nicer village, lower crime rate, better schools and can’t because I couldn’t do all the transporting them to and from him 😒 and feel it would impact the relationship between him and the kids. You have my sympathies on having to deal with pathetic men.

Anonanonanonagain · 14/01/2026 14:09

@prosecko Do it, go. If he wanted to see them more often and if he cared about seeing them without depending on others he would do that. He does not contribute in any single way. Total waste of space. Go and don't look back. It does not matter what others on here say they do not know the sacrifices you have already made. I parent mine alone bar maybe 20 HOURS PER YEAR that the ex who lives down the road bothers with and I would move to a different continent if needed without a second glace.

AndWeAreOff · 14/01/2026 14:08

I'd say don't move out of spite though OP, only if you really need to i.e. both you and DH have better job offers. It is far better if you can live near your ex for the DC. Tbh you aren't really that near already.

Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 14:05

@WittyLilacPoetcould literally show you a picture of my £0 entitlement letter.

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GasperyJacquesRoberts · 14/01/2026 14:04

If your DCs will be moving school then as he has PR then you are obliged to discuss this move with him. If you forced it he could potentially take you to court for a prohibited steps order. How likely he is to succeed at this is up for debate but the payment or non-payment of child maintenance will not be a factor in that decision. But making it very much harder for him to maintain a relationship with the DCs would likely influence it. Saying "Well he could/should learn to drive then" might not go down particularly well in court either.

I sympathise, I really do, but you need to have a serious think about whether he is likely to seriously object as that could make life difficult for you until the court case is decided.

Wordsmithery · 14/01/2026 14:01

It's important to make life as easy as you can for your kids. As they get older, being able to travel between parents independently is a real advantage to them and helps them feel in control after parental breakup.
Isn't there anywhere you could live that would be easier to get to from his?

WittyLilacPoet · 14/01/2026 14:00

Put in a proper claim to CMS. I suspect you have not actually done so. The kids deserve to be able to see their father. If you make it more difficult by moving to somewhere harder to commute from then the kids won't blame their dad, they might well blame you.

AndWeAreOff · 14/01/2026 14:00

harriethoyle · 14/01/2026 13:55

Sure he is 🙄

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If you've any experience of the CMS you'd know it's a terrible system and allows paying parents to get out of paying what they should ALL THE TIME.

harriethoyle · 14/01/2026 13:59

Nowhere @prosecko have you even begun to address the effect on your DC of this proposed move - which makes it look like you know perfectly well that they’ll be upset by seeing less of their dad however much of a deadbeat he is.

Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:59

@harriethoylewhy else doesn’t he pay then? ☺️ if he was employed by a company, they’d report his earnings to hmrc and he’d have to pay.

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Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:57

I guess the way I see it is: it’s on dh and I to provide everything, EXH doesn’t provide anything. But due to him moving back to his parents and refusing to drive, it feels unfair that we can’t move a reasonable distance away because of lack of buses etc. I wouldn’t want dc doing two 4 hour journeys EOW, of course not.

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PullingOutHair123 · 14/01/2026 13:56

harriethoyle · 14/01/2026 13:45

100% this. You’re weaponising your children’s contact with their father and that can’t be in their best interests. Stop kvetching about maintenance, apply to the CMS and stop playing games with your children’s time with their father.

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She's not weaponsing at all. Otherwise he wouldn't be seeing his kids now.

The reality is he is not contributing (would also agree with CMS) so she has to step up to fully fund their children. Which (as we all know) will only get more expensive. If she has to move to do that, so be it. Seems a sensible thing to do.

OP - Give him some warning of what your intentions are - you never know, he might book a driving lesson. Especially if his mother boots him up the arse. Or maybe not...

MadamCholetsbonnet · 14/01/2026 13:56

How old are DC?

harriethoyle · 14/01/2026 13:55

prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:52

Re cms, he’s self employed and lies to hmrc @harriethoyleand anyone else who asked.

Sure he is 🙄

Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:54

Thank you @FuzzyWolf. We’d be happy to do 50% if it came to it.

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Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:52

Re cms, he’s self employed and lies to hmrc @harriethoyleand anyone else who asked.

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Original poster
prosecko · 14/01/2026 13:51

How the dc feel is high on my priorities, but what has to come first is food for them, clothes, being able to fund their hobbies etc. Due to EXH taking 0 accountability for that, it all falls onto dh and I do that (DH’s choice btw, I’ve never asked him to provide for them but he does). I am 100% not stopping him from seeing them or anything like that. He could learn to drive or maybe pay for a private hire. We’ve not even seen any houses or anything yet in this area, it’s very hypothetical right now.

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harriethoyle · 14/01/2026 13:45

Icanflyhigh · 14/01/2026 13:34

Word of warning, if you DID move to this location and he decided to go to court for a child arrangement order, be aware court very likely to impose a 50/50 split over transport.
Also, what will be the impact on the DC if you effectively restrict their dads access?

100% this. You’re weaponising your children’s contact with their father and that can’t be in their best interests. Stop kvetching about maintenance, apply to the CMS and stop playing games with your children’s time with their father.

OhDear111 · 14/01/2026 13:43

Some court cases have not approved a move within England because it deprives a parent of reasonable contact with dc. This won’t be about what money he pays and you punishing him. It’s about reasonable contact, which he currently manages. He could take you to court for being unreasonable. He could also win.