Abusive ex

Your DS decided to rebuild a relationship with his dad despite the no contact as a child. That was his choice.

Just like it is your choice not to be anywhere near someone who hut you.

However, this can't be coming as a surprise if he has had a good relationship with his dad. There was always going to be 'what happens when he weds'.

The options were always going to be let bygone be bygone and grind your teeth, or sit as far away as possible and ignore him completely, or not go. That choice is yours entirely.

I would be having strong words with my son, all of it truthful. I would then be having a discussion with FDIL saying “this is the man you are marrying” and like fuck would I be in the same room as my assaulter.

And I would be deeply hurt at having to go through it all.

Your ex is a violent criminal and you’re entirely sensible and justified in avoiding being in his presence. Maintain your boundaries. Anyone who doesn’t respect them whoever they are doesn’t matter and more - is a contributor to the kind of misogyny and tolerance of violence that helps spawn such abuse.

I think you're absolutely right to say you won't sit next to him, in fact I would find it very hard to be in the same room as him. I feel really sad for you that your son seems to be so uncaring and selfish to expect that of you. If I were the woman your son is marrying, this would definitely give me pause for thought.

I would tell your son you won't be there and that you're massively disappointed in him prioritising his abusive father over the woman that raised him. Shame on him 😔

What is your relationship like with his fiancée?

Shame on your son. Sorry but this is totally inappropriate to expect you to sit there with him after what he did to you. Contributed nothing to his child’s life but now said child is choosing to have this man at the top table and his own mother unable to face coming. He needs to have a word with himself. Yes it’s his wedding but he cannot expect his mother to just put it in the past.

It must be extremely hurtful that your DS can't understand your feelings in this OP.

I think not wanting to be in the same building is a perfectly valid stance to take. Your DS should respect that. Even if, for whatever reason, he has forgiven his father for the past he has no right to expect you to do the same.

How bizarre. How thoughtless of your DS.

Surely you just say “son, you know the background, I can’t possibly sit next to him
”

If my DS follows along conventional lines, I’ll be in the same situation one day. I think your feelings are absolutely valid. I’d feel the same.

(I couldn’t help but sneak a bit of a smile at the thought of you hiring the most gorgeous consort for the day to bring along with you, though…😉)

This would be better.

Ask them to follow conventional head table seating protocol, which is that the mother of the groom sits next to the father of the bride and vice versa.

Then completely blank him the rest of the time.

I think you are absolutely justified OP.

Is your DS one of those trying to insist you let bygones be bygones and expecting you to sit with your ex ?Or is the pressure coming from others and he is just going along with it?