Abusive ex

Have you posted about this before? A few months ago?

Sorry if this is stating the obvious but does your son know exactly what your ex did to you, the punching and having to flee in the night. If so he is very insensitive, I mean someone could have PTSD from abuse like that and having to face the abuser would be very distressing.He should listen to you and his bride.

Oh, serves me right.

You've edited now 😊

That would make him the OP's brother 🤭

YANBU, I think you need to stick to your guns here OP.

You would generally expect weddings where family setups are messy and complicated to forego traditions like family main tables and make provisions for alternatives.

We for example, did not have parents at the main table and parents sat with other respective family and friends to avoid being in close contact with each other. We didn’t even insist on them being in the same photos.

Why is your DS insisting on something that is going to make his own wedding uncomfortable?

Not the OP obviously but is DS feeling the pressure from his Dad to invite him? My son finds it very difficult to tell his Dad what he feeling and unfortunately I can see myself in this situation in the future but I would be livid about being sat next to him or in any photos with him.

My ex did this to his mum. I felt terrible for her that he expected her to get over it and sit with him at the wedding. Hate to say it but my ex turned out to be abusive just like his father. Looking back it was a massive red flag he doesn’t respect women.

personally I’d attend my children’s wedding so long as I don’t have to sit with their dad. I can’t imagine dd would except me to as they can see themselves in the one raising them while their dad is a piece of shit. But my ds will come out with phrases I know he’s got from his dad and is being tainted. I worry how it will impact his future. If I was expected to sit with him I’d not go either. Stay strong if that’s how you feel OP it’s completely reasonable

I'd refuse to sit with him too. Stick to your guns OP.

Knowing all that why does your son even want him at the wedding?

If he doesn’t come to his senses and continues to utterly disrespect you and his wife to - then honestly @Gettingbysomehow I would seriously pity your future DIL.

I think your son needs a call from a domestic violence advocate so that he understands what he's asking of you and yes I agree with the plus one idea, even if it's just a friend who understands.i wonder if a social worker/domestic violence worker could go with you. I know they can accompany people to court and visitations. If you do have to go with him there, support might be good

I think your son is being insanely selfish and insensitive here.

I don't understand why your DS wants his F there. You could join forces with your DIL and say if he attends, you won't be. No wedding without a bride.

If you end up being pressured to go, take a good looking bodyguard as your plus one. 😊

Also on your side. It is disgraceful to be told you need to gloss over abuse and your ds really should be ashamed of himself being quite honest. Not the same but I refused to go to my brothers wedding due to some stuff and the shit hit the fan and it really brought me to my knees at how little any of the 'family' respected my boundaries and just wanted me to put up and shut up. I did not go in the end anyway and of course now I am excluded from the family but you know what I would rather be alone than be disrespected like that. I am so sorry you have to make this choice OP.

Your DS is coming across as a complete twat.

Ignore his fiancee
and grossly let’s down his mother

Completely on your side here
Never should you have to face this man and I feel for you that your DS is doing this

I’m so sorry op that’s an awful situation to be in. I have to see my abusive ex from time to time as our dc are adults and so there’s been birthdays, engagements, weddings, grandchildren’s births, events. It’s been horrible for me. Exh was a terrible father and I have no idea why the even tolerate him (tbf one has disowned him after a big falling out). The other two beg for crumbs and bend over backwards to have him in their life.

it’s made me need to step back and reduce contact with my dc. For my own mental health. I’ve told them some of what he put me through but I’m still expected to put them first and turn up, grit my teeth. I feel my fear and hurt has been discarded and ex must be prioritised as he now has no other family (his own doing). He’s even sayd and done things to me at these events and I’ve told them, I’m told I’m being too sensitive , he’s just having a laugh. I don’t find it funny.

I don’t really have any advice. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. And how you deal with this will set a precedent to any future events x

Very well said.

OP, sorry your son is ignoring the reality of who his father is for the sake of wedding traditions.