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AIBU?

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Original poster

BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

220 replies

GotTheBluePeterBadge · 13/01/2026 18:57

Future SIL is marrying my BIL this year and has asked my husband's ex wife to be a bridesmaid along with my stepdaughters. They have been friends ever since their split after siding with her and refusing to hear my husband's side of the story. My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship which improves then devolves with regularity. To be clear, she was abusive during their marriage and even afterwards.

Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table. He didn't react well when my husband pointed out the bad blood from the past and that he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Brother is now accusing my husband of being selfish and making the entire day about himself and that if he truly cared for him he would play "happy families" for him.

AIBU to expect my husband to sit next to me? His brother and future wife haven't been particularly kind nor welcoming to me either so that is colouring my feelings about the situation.

OP posts:
CloakedInGucci · 13/01/2026 19:50

I wouldn’t go.

localbutterfly · 13/01/2026 19:50

Can your husband bow out of being the best man and just attend the wedding as a guest (assuming he wants to attend and/or thinks he should attend)? Ex will still be there but he won't be forced to interact with her much. That seems like the most reasonable compromise.

Original poster
GotTheBluePeterBadge · 13/01/2026 19:49

pestowithwalnuts · 13/01/2026 19:41

Could your DH just sit at the table..eat his meal..do speeches and largely ignore her until it's time to mix and then he can come and sit with you

He has said he doesn't want to pretend and be captured in photos next to her as if the past never happened.

I have no intention of deciding what my husband should do on his behalf, just trying to gage what is acceptable in this situation.

For me personally it has shown I absolutely will not jump the ocean for a couple who wouldn't jump a puddle for me. So they are very much deprioritised as far as I'm concerned.

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 13/01/2026 19:48

Thank you for clarification OP and apologies.

It seems very odd then that SIL has really taken the ex side given the circumstances. Surely DH has spoken to his brother about this ? I think given that it is clear that DH can't take the best man role if SIL wants to have the ex as bridesmaid. Simple as that.

Endofyear · 13/01/2026 19:45

It's up to the bride and groom who they invite and where they're seated. It's up to you and your DH if you choose to go given the circumstances. BIL can be upset with your DH if he wants to, that's his problem?

Original poster
GotTheBluePeterBadge · 13/01/2026 19:45

Whyherewego · 13/01/2026 19:10

No I am not victim blaming. Sorry if that came across wrong.
SIL clearly siding with the ex wife. OP said they won't listen to DH side of the story. Therefore there are 2 sides to this story. It is not inconceivable that if DH cheated then the ex wife is going to be angry and potentially abusive. All I was saying that I suspect it's not as simple as "couple broke up, ex wife is abusive" given that SIL is clearly very close to the ex.

Show quote history

No cheating. Ex wife was (still is - I've seen the emails) controlling and emotionally abusive since the beginning of their marriage.

OP posts:
Lovetheschoolholidays · 13/01/2026 19:43

Barrenfieldoffucks · 13/01/2026 19:00

I would not be giving an opinion and would be leaving it entirely up to DH. This sounds hard enough for him without an added layer of pressure from you because of your feelings about the b&g.

He's not unreasonable not to want to btw, but because of the behaviour of his ex, not because he has to be with you.

Second this!

It’s his call. Duty to brother vs avoiding abusive ex. You and son don’t come into it, for this day only, I’m afraid!

pestowithwalnuts · 13/01/2026 19:41

Could your DH just sit at the table..eat his meal..do speeches and largely ignore her until it's time to mix and then he can come and sit with you

AcidicTrifle · 13/01/2026 19:35

Why is your DH best man, if the couple sided with the ex-wife in the divorce and don’t believe she was abusive (or do believe and don’t care)? That would make my relationship with the sibling incredibly strained, certainly not “best man” level of closeness.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/01/2026 19:34

The top table isn't too bad if they're not forced to sit together - but the first dance with the MOH dancing with the BM (if tradition is followed) would certainly be problematic, I should imagine.

Shutuptrevor · 13/01/2026 19:33

JHound · 13/01/2026 19:00

If my sibling invited my abusive ex to the wedding and made them part of the wedding party I would not be attending the wedding full stop.

This.

Lightingfail · 13/01/2026 19:32

I'd stay out of it OP and let the brothers sort it out amongst themselves.

AgnesMcDoo · 13/01/2026 19:24

JHound · 13/01/2026 19:09

You posted without reading all the responses?

Show quote history

I read all responses posted

AgnesMcDoo · 13/01/2026 19:23

Itsmetheflamingo · 13/01/2026 19:12

What do you mean?

BIl & SIL can invite whoever they want to their wedding, and put them at the top table. OP (or her DH) have no influence over that

Show quote history

I mean that if an abusive ex husband was invited to the wedding and his formally abused ex wife was expected to sit beside him and happy families - people would be appalled.

No hand wringing would be needed, no expectation that she should go and get on with it etc.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/01/2026 19:22

Itsmetheflamingo · 13/01/2026 19:12

What do you mean?

BIl & SIL can invite whoever they want to their wedding, and put them at the top table. OP (or her DH) have no influence over that

Show quote history

Yes they can. Their wedding their choice but also their choice has consequences.

But they would then have to realise that such a suggestion to a victim of abuse may lead to the best man having to step down or not attend at all too.

MapleOakPine · 13/01/2026 19:20

Normal for DH to be on top table (as he is best man) rather than with you and DS. No reason for him to be next to his ex though.

Sophie9898 · 13/01/2026 19:17

I don’t think it’s unreasonable if your husband doesn’t want to sit right next to his ex, and I can see why that doesn’t sit right with you either. Could it not just be rearranged slightly so they’re on the same table but not side by side to avoid any drama? At the end of the day, regardless of their history, they both have relationships with the bride and groom and deserve to be on the top table. Weddings are hard to seat and moving someone else could cause more upset. The bride and groom can’t please everyone, and it wouldn’t be fair to not attend over seating. It should really be between your husband and his brother — sadly it shouldn’t be about you being separated, it’s for him to fight his own corner that he doesn’t want to sit next to his ex-wife.

ultracynic · 13/01/2026 19:16

He should go on his own, or decline being best man and be a regular guest and sit with you.

CharlotteStreetW1 · 13/01/2026 19:15

Traditionally bridesmaid and best man would be nowhere near each other.

As for the OP, I wouldn't be attending the wedding of someone who doesn't even like me.

BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding
Itsmetheflamingo · 13/01/2026 19:12

AgnesMcDoo · 13/01/2026 19:03

I also think it the abusive ex was a man opinions would be clear cut and one sided.

What do you mean?

BIl & SIL can invite whoever they want to their wedding, and put them at the top table. OP (or her DH) have no influence over that

Whyherewego · 13/01/2026 19:10

Spirallingdownwards · 13/01/2026 19:06

What I find weird is that you have victim blamed the DH. He must have been cheating to be abused!!!

Show quote history

No I am not victim blaming. Sorry if that came across wrong.
SIL clearly siding with the ex wife. OP said they won't listen to DH side of the story. Therefore there are 2 sides to this story. It is not inconceivable that if DH cheated then the ex wife is going to be angry and potentially abusive. All I was saying that I suspect it's not as simple as "couple broke up, ex wife is abusive" given that SIL is clearly very close to the ex.

JHound · 13/01/2026 19:09

AgnesMcDoo · 13/01/2026 19:03

I also think it the abusive ex was a man opinions would be clear cut and one sided.

You posted without reading all the responses?

Itsmetheflamingo · 13/01/2026 19:08

I don’t really see how you get an unreasonable- it’s not up to your whether your DH sits next to you or not- all you can do is decline the invite.

what an awkward situation.

BellissimoGecko · 13/01/2026 19:07

if your h and his brother have a fraught relationship, I’d nicely decline being his best man and just ask to attend the wedding as a regular guest. Sounds awful for your h. His brother is being totally uncaring about his feelings and is being a bridegroomzilla. Why would he want to upset your h just for the sake of appearances???

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/01/2026 19:06

I’d remind DH that you support him in not attending. And stepping far away from BIL.