BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

I was empanelled on a jury with 1 other person between me and my abusive ex. When the Judge asked if there was any reason any of us could not sit on this jury, I went and told him why and he excused me.
Those few minutes sitting 2 seats from ex and then having to brush past him to exit were horrendous.
I can not imagine being in a bridal party with an abusive ex.

Good grief, I am glad I had a very simple wedding without all the formalities. Your BIL sounds like a male Bridezilla and abusive.
I think I'd booked a holiday for their wedding dates..."sorry completely forgot we are in xxx that weekend, already paid everything upfront" and wish them a lovely day... bye-bye

The ex is clearly fine with it which is a bit sinister.

Your Dh should tell BIL that he is fine to sit at the top table, just not next to his ex. If Bil doesn't allow that then you know that there is an sgenda at play here and your DH should decline being best man.

There are several reasonable solutions here. If BIL won't hear of any of them then both of you should decline. You don't need to be manipulated like this when there are compromises.

It's awful that they're still in contact with someone who was abusive to their family member. Now, if they'd just split up, they could decide whatever they like for their own wedding, but your partner (and you and the rest of your family) would still have the right to decline an invitation.
But would you let a sister's abusive ex anywhere near your wedding, which is the same as what's going on here? Crazy. Unless they're the kind of people who believe it's impossible for a woman to abuse a man? I'd keep my family away from this lot full stop, where they want you to sit is not the issue.

"Here is where the AIBU is: his brother has asked him to be the best man, but has said he must sit away from me and our son and sit next to his ex wife at the top table."

In the standard seating your husband would be as far from his ex as is possible. So what the fuck does his brother think he is playing at?

I can't understand why your DH agreed to be Best Man in the first place? BIL doesn't like him, and refuses to acknowledge that he's been/is being abused.

Does your DH genuinely support this marriage?

I’ve made it very clear I don’t understand your point at all

I don’t think you understand my point at all.

What are you talking about? How am I hand wringing?! Not one person here has suggested OP or her DH are in the wrong. They are pointing out that they hold no control (apart from deciding to not attend) that isn’t a narrative, that’s real life.

I’m really struggling to understand your instance that people are hand wringing. It’s a post on Mn- do you think people even actually care?! They’re just contributing to the discussion.

See you are still hand ringing. And now trying a different narrative.

Your dh should send the emails to his db and say look this is what I have to put up with even now. Op only he can decide what he wants to do if I was you if he does go is to attend with him with the biggest smile on your face and be affectionate and let her see how happy he is now with you controlling abusive never change unfortunately.

This. Can you imagine if women posting on MN about their experience of domestic abuse were met with the same response ?

I wouldn’t expect anything. However think the scenario you suggest is very common.

That's MN for you, everything is twisted to be the man's fault!

Up to them what they do. Up to you what you do. In your position I would not go to the wedding and let them get on with it and make their choices of who sits where.

I think op you need to stay completely out of it. They've all been involved in this before you were around so I'd let them sort it out between them and just tell your dh you'll support him whatever he decides. It's his family and I don't think you can do/ let yourself feel anything about it even though internally it must be frustrating. If he decides to go I would go to support him and grin and bear it, if not then give him space to talk and that you have his back. I think bil and sil are ridiculous to expect two people who cannot get on to sit beside each other on the day anyway purely for the 'optics' but ultimately its their day and they can demand as much as they like - whether he goes along with it or not is up to your dh. I'd be giving him space without giving any opinion to weigh up his options and the consequences to each. I think a pp raised a fair question when they asked if he's able to grin and bear it and not allow himself to be baited on the day, or similarly is he physically or employed scared of her and does he feel safe enough to sit beside her on a basic level.

OP women post on MN to say they are being abused every day. They have no problem being believed and advised accordingly. Men however, have to explain themselves because some posters cling to the belief that men can’t be victims of DV or abuse at the hands of their female partner. It’s nonsense.

Going against the grain here but to some extent you need to accept that other people are entitled to relationships on their own terms. If your SIL gets on well with this woman that’s up to her, it’s out of your control. You can’t expect other people to fall out with people you don’t get on with yourself. It’s madness to take this as a personal attack. Fair enough if someone’s ex was genuinely abusive but you’re only hearing one side of the story. Your husband and his ex may have been equally volatile with each other.

I have never seen a best man sitting beside the chef bridesmaid, aren’t they opposite sides of the couple.
All eyes will be on during the meal. Once speeches are over he can sit with you, it’s a difficult situation because his children are involved in the wedding, it would be really nice for them if the day went smoothly.
If he can manage to ignore her. It’s ridiculous to ask them both given the history as they usually have to interact as part of the party.

I'm still not seeing the problem.

It's totally your DH's choice. What does he want to do?

Exactly. It sounds like they are using their wedding, in part, to goad you and your husband and undermine your relationship

It’s one thing being asked to attend a wedding with an abusive ex. It’s quite another to be asked to sit next to them. If a woman had been subjected to domestic abuse at the hands of an ex would you really expect them to willingly sit next to them just to keep the peace. If not, then why is a man any different ?

I might be way off the mark here but I am imagining that DH, exW, BIl & SIL were probably part of an original friendship group- maybe from a young age in a small area or small community and everyone is in everyone’s business.

So they haven’t broken the 30 odd year friendships “just” because the marriage has broken down.

The best man sits at the top table.
He cannot really take on the task without sitting there, he’ll have to tell his brother that he cannot commit or he can suck it up.
There is always three sides to a story/break-up.

This- the only thing that shifts me into having my empathy for DHs dilemma is that his daughters are the wedding party. It would be a really shame for him to miss seeing them play that role.