BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

What’s the background? It’s all a bit vague. What form does her abuse take? What’s her story? What’s his?

If this were a woman being made to sit next to her abusive ex husband, I would say absolutely not happening. She won’t attend if that’s the case. I actually say the same thing about your husband too. He has to talk to his brother, if he doesn’t listen then he shouldn’t attend.

It's fine for BIL to want to maintain positive relationships with both his brother and his wife's best friend

@CactusSwoonedEndingi disagree.

it’s not fine to maintain a positive relationship with an abuser. It’s definitely not fine when you are a friend or a relative of the victim.

I’m baffled why everyone is so hung up on the seating plan.

in the event I had an abusive ex and my sibbling was not only dismissive of the abuse I’d suffered and my feelings, but totally refused to engage with me regarding my experience, to the extent they expected me to sit next to my abuser at an event I would not still be in contact with my sibling never mind attending the event or worrying about where to sit

I assume that your DH would be just as unwilling to sit next to his abusive ex if he was attending solo and you and your DC were staying at hom

If so then it's not about "at the expense of you and your son" and he shouldn't be emphasising that.

He is not "making it about him" but about him having reasonable boundaries pf self-respect and dignity which require him to protect himself from situations of emotional abuse. If his brother can't respect that then it's best for DH not to attend the wedding.

It's fine for BIL to want to maintain positive relationships with both his brother and his wife's best friend. However if there is acrimony between them a decent person helps to facilitate keeping a distance between them, not seating them together

Wow, what a bizarre family dynamic. This is only tricky because BIL and SIL have seemingly taken his ex’s side since the separation. Guessing she spun them a convincing tale and they bought into that more than his own brother’s side. It makes total sense to have your stepdaughters as bridesmaids but choosing his ex as one is insane when she not only abused him but he’s also remarried.

They could easily arrange this for them not to be sat beside each other. Traditionally on any table layout they would be sat at opposite sides of the table from each other so this is an intentional choice on sil/bils part to seat them right beside each other which just seems very odd given the history there irregardless of whether they believe she was abusive or not.

Your BIL and SIL are deliberately seating your husband and his ex together, traditionally they wouldn't be sat together!! So therefore it's been done deliberately, there's no reason why they need to be.

That's how it reads to me too. They have gone to a lot of trouble to get these 2 exes to sit side by side. The smell of rat is very strong.

Yeah I don't buy that. As someone else said earlier, I smell a rat. This is the joining of 2 families. If they are going family-based, take DH as best man and find another MOH. If the MOH means that much to her, find another best man.

It defies belief that they expect these 2 to be partnered up in the bridal party. Are BIL and new SIL trying to prove their love is so overwhelming, it neutralises all the bad karma from DH and ex? Even if they 'don't believe his story' about her being abusive, they are just plain inviting bad feelings or bad actions by doing this.

ColcColdColder
yes op is family but I think this does need to be sorted between that section of the family

would there be a problem with this set up if she was just an ex wife and not an abusive ex wife?

If the wife was abusive, I’m a bit surprised he is willing to go to the wedding at all. Or is a scenario like many of us face where we never forget, but we move on.

A traditional top table would have best man and chief bridesmaid at opposite ends, with bride, groom and both sets of parents in between. Other bridesmaids, ushers etc usually at other tables. Of course the bride and groom can decide a different arrangement but it's entirely up to your DH to say he won't sit beside his ex, or decline to be best man. I don't think it's reasonable for him to insist he sits beside you.

When you say next to her at the top table, do you mean literally beside her? Because it's generally the bride and groom in the centre, and then the groomsmen beside him and bridesmaids beside her, so he will actually be next to his brother and the ex will be on the other side of the married couple? I think it's an odd choice of them, asking him to be best man and the ex MOH. The two roles do require some interaction, so I guess the question is does he actually want to be best man? Maybe he can go as a regular guest (if he does want to attend) and sit with you. I don't think he can be best man and not sit at the top table. The question is more about the relationship as brothers, it's obviously horrible for him for his brother to be on ex's side when he feels abused by her. Were the ex and SIL already friends?

BIL is batshit. He's being ridiculous - I'd be tempted not to go as it sounds absolutely ghastly.

If you think this is true you’re well out of touch with societal attitudes towards abusive men. It is extremely common for women to be disbelieved even after the abuse has become lethal.

OP I’d be reminding your husband it’s ok to stay away. He might need support to feel it’s ok not to be involved when they’ve clearly prioritised someone who has harmed him.

MartySupremeisascream Me too, I’m assuming that the children are young, flower girls, as Op said they are excited.
I would go if I was OP. I’d whoop whoop for my partner’s speech and give him the biggest kiss after the meal, then I’d dance with him and the flower girls, kiss the bride and leave with my man. 😉

I have to admit, I've never heard of anyone asking a mother to be a bridesmaid along with her daughters. I find that arrangement bizarre on its own.
What age are your stepdaughters?
Is the SIL a childhood friend of your DH's ex or a relative of hers?
It feels very claustrophobic to me.

I can't get over having a divorced couple as both bridesmaid and best man, especially when they don't get along. Who on earth came up with that idea or do they all live in a tiny hamlet somewhere?

I wouldn't be bothered not to sit with DH as that's normal when he's the best man but surely they could place the ex wife and him at opposite ends of the top table as a compromise?

This.

Inviting the ex tells me everything I need to know, and its that im not a priority, the ex is. So I'd make my excuses and withdraw from the wedding. They made a choice.

Of course the ex is fine with it. Abusers love an opportunity to pretend to be lovely and make the victim look like they are the problem. Also she's got OP's husband's family on her side, so she'll be loving it. I hope he decides not to go anywhere near the wedding.

Surely the OP is family.