BIL wants my husband and his abusive ex to sit together at the wedding

It’s not quite right though is it? You missed the important nuance that the only reason she knows the bride is because her ex is the groom’s brother. And the issue is that he’s been told he’s sitting right next to her apparently, which is non-traditional even within the traditional top table format. So that looks a bit goady to say the least.

Because if the Ex’s side of the story is something else entirely then the alternative AIBU could be something like this:

”I’ve been asked to be maid of honour for my best friend’s wedding. We’re very close and known each other for years. Problem is my ex husband is the groom’s brother and has been asked to be best man. He and his new wife are putting up a big fuss about this and ex is refusing to sit at the top table instead of with his wife. He’s saying that he doesn’t want to be in any photos with me.

For context, our marriage didn’t end well. It became extremely toxic and we were both at each other’s throats. He constantly gaslighted me and called me manipulative and controlling despite behaving like an utter shit to me. Both bride and groom recognise this and have been amazingly supportive to me, despite them being related to ex.

I know this is not an ideal situation but I willing to suck it up for the happy couple.

I just feel like Ex is making the wedding all about himself. It’s not their wedding photos and not their wedding. They’ve just made an already awkward situation even more tense for the happy couple and I’m worried that it’s going to put an edge on the big day.

AIBU that they should just suck it up for one day?”

BTW I wouldn’t be wondering this except that OP has already indicated that both the groom and the bride seem to believe ex’s version of events which you have to wonder about. Also is it really so unbelievable that someone who wants to make the wedding all about themselves could be faultless?

It kind of goes directly to the question of whether OP is being unreasonable.

This.

You say My husband and his brother have long had a fraught relationship so why would a) his brother ask him and b) your dh accept ?

I know you've said
Because tradition dictates that your brother is your best man. And despite their differences, my husband still very much loves his brother

But that's just not true. The best man should be the man that the groom is closest too. Quite often that will be a brother, but equally, very often is isn't.

Plus, As per the lovely picture posted earlier, the Best man and bridesmaid sit at opposite ends of the table, if tradition is so important to the couple.

Hmmm if I were him I would consider agreeing to sit next to her and then making the most of the best man's speech to get revenge! Maybe talking about the beauty and joys of a loving marriage and singling you out as part of that... and maybe a reference to the perils of marriage and not so subtley indicating to ex...
And then holding your bum all night on the dance floor. If you're into that kind if thing.

It sounds like it's only a matter of time before DH and BISs relationship goes to shit again so he may as well have some fun with it!

It's your DH's call:

1. He can suck it up for his brother's sake (probably the best option)
2. He can opt out of being best man and go as a guest (tricky to pull off)
3. He can choose not to go at all (not nice for his brother or daughters who are bridesmaids)

I’m so confused about people on here wanting to hear the ex’s side of the story. What would that possibly share which would explain wanting to insist on sitting next to someone who you are no longer married to , even if you got along well??

Could your husband stand down as best man and just say he will be there as a regular guest instead so he gets to sit with you and your son, thus 'playing happy families' but with his actual family not his ex and then your stepdaughters are not let down either. I think it is very strange they asked his ex to be a bridesmaid, it reeks of shit stirring. If your brothers husband had any respect for your husband none of this would be an issue or a question. Tradition or not your husband does not have to attend any situation that puts his own family second.

he had no intention of sitting next to his abusive ex wife at the expense of me and our son.

Why is him sitting at the top table (as traditionally expected) at the expense of you and your child? 🙄

I’d leave it up to him but if he said he didn’t want to go at all I’d agree with him

Same. My husband's ex was a master at this kind of thing.

inserts the obligatory "I wasn't the OW"

She had everyone told that she and her Affair Partner were going away on holiday 3 days before our wedding in order to avoid the pain of it all. (The kids combined a visit to their mum with their attendance at our wedding. The son was the Best Man.)

She'd booked them both into the sister hotel of our honeymoon hotel. (The brochure emphasised that guests at our hotel were allowed the use of the facilities at the sister hotel.) Fortunately, she didn't realise that while the brochure showed our 4 star as being in the same town as her 5 star, we were actually in a village just outside the town.

Must have cost her a fortune and we didn't see them once.

[ETA Even I had felt sorry for her. Ha!]

Anyone else think the ex, reportedly manipulative and controlling, has engineered this to raise her profile with bride and groom, knowing that it is something your DH would absolutely hate.

I could believe that.

Anyone else think the ex, reportedly manipulative and controlling, has engineered this to raise her profile with bride and groom, knowing that it is something your DH would absolutely hate.

Ex." I think it would be a great idea of former DH and I sit next to each other at your wedding."
BIL and SIL: "Oh what a kind and forgiving gesture.... are you sure you would be OK with that
Ex: It will be difficult for me but I think our DD would love it and I'd do anything to promote family unity on your big day.

She gets the credit both ways.

1. if your DH agrees to sit through it - no credit to him because they know he would never suggest it himself, and he has to sit though it in public probably looking miserable
2. If your DH objects - Even discussing his objections creates an issue on both sides. Every subsequent step edges your DH further out of Robert De Niro's "circle of Trust" and raises her profile "Well at least we tried but he wouldn't meet us half way."

This is only speculation of course and I've probably been watching too many Netflix thrillers and am looking at this with a jaundiced eye. It depends how controlling and manipulative she is. However, if she is as controlling and manipulative as that - once your DH is no longer around, she will find someone else to practice on, so they may wake up to it eventually.

Assuming any of that is the case.. it appears to be a no win situation for your DH ATM...unless anyone has ideas on how to effectively thwart manipulative people once they are embedded, he may as well pick the path that personally suits him best, regardless of the ex and refuse to be affected by her game.

If she has set this up and its not just the BILs or SILs idea, then I would forgive them (a bit) because they may have been manipulated too. They may think they are doing the right thing and perhaps its a case of not seeing the wood for the trees. Your DH won't know their motive until he is able to have a proper discussion with them and also has a chance to put his own case and find a suitable alternative, there's been some reasonable suggestions on this thread. It also depends how willing the BIL and SIL are to be flexible once they've heard him out.

I would discount the emotional blackmail of it would make the DD happy. They probably spot at once that its only "playing happy families" and might actually be on edge that someone might kick off. They would be just as happy knowing that their parents agreed to be civil and polite and not cause a scene on the day.. and sitting apart would greatly facilitate that!

In any case, unless someone points it out to them, how many weddings will they have been too? they probably won't even think about seating arrangements if your DH sits with his wife and son. I did'n't know this top table seating thing was a hard and fast rule. Its not been entered in the law books has it?

OP can you confirm if this is the case, or they knew each other years before and SIL took her friends side. I’d imagine they probably socialised as a foursome depending upon how long BIL is with his partner are together.

The wildest part of this story is them inviting the abusive ex to be a BRIDESMAID - who on earth does that?? They sound nuts. I wouldn't go. They clearly don't value their relationship with DH or with you.

They're not really "differences" though?

BIL and SIL are prioritising an extremely abusive ex over you, his wife.
And both are refusing to believe or acknowledge the abuse that he went through.

Yet he's supporting this marriage because "tradition"?

The SIL became friends with the ex to spite OP and her husband.

I wouldn’t even attend this wedding if I was the DH.

Why are you attending in that case? Just pull out.

Ultimately your husband has to stand up and say no here.

I agree. I would like to hear the Ex’s side of the story.

Even if there is no cheating, it is very easy for men to write women off as crazy and controlling. There’s a huge difference between being abusive and acting out of anger and frustration in a mutually toxic relationship.

If the split was more balanced that your post suggests I think YABU. If you’re husband has a problem with it then it’s up to him to decide to step down.

I find it odd and fascinating that the Top Table still features so prominently in a world where tradition and etiquette count for less and less, are often derided in fact, and where complicated family structures are commonplace, often including the situation of the bride and groom. It’s so simple to come up with an arrangement that doesn’t create stress and discomfort for your guests and I don’t understand why anyone would risk creating an opportunity for a problem at their own wedding.

I think in cases where the bride and groom are so gauche or selfish as to cause an awkward situation, the best response is to rise above it, but obviously that depends on the extent of the issue. This case seems deliberately provocative given the exact seating plan has been discussed, the obvious made up thing about the tables in the venue etc. so I’d push back.

I'd recommend he frames it carefully to his brother. Sort of..
I love you and want to support you.
I also have very challenging past with my ex and I do not want to interact with her any more than is necessary.

Of course I am prepared to put that to one side for your special day but I also ask that you dont force us together unnecessarily. So I cant sit next to her. I will sit next to anyone else you choose but not her. Thank you for respecting my wishes on this