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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should I be proud or angry??

381 replies

Seymorbutts · 13/01/2026 16:54

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

OP posts:
Quine0nline · 15/01/2026 11:19

Yes. Ask why the school is condoning racist behaviour. Take it up the food chair, even council and.mp.

ProfessorSillyStuff · 15/01/2026 11:10

I think you should be really proud of yourself and your son, and angry for the nonchalant and dismissive attitude of these teachers and these other posters regarding your son's safety. Some people here don't seem to recognise that your son was seriously violently assaulted first and acted in self defense. A locker is a large metal box, hitting your head on there could easily cause concussion or worse, yet its minimised horribly on here. I'm so sorry for you both, its just not OK at all. Flowers

AlleycatMarie · 15/01/2026 10:10

You have every right to be proud of your boy!! He put his faith in his school to tackle the bullying in the right way and they have let him down; I would tell the school this. I bet this boy will leave him alone now!

hobbcat · 15/01/2026 06:58

Go to the chair of governors with your evidence of what the school has failed to do. Inform OFSTED as your child has been let down and felt he needed to resort to this, Don’t take this lying down. You may wish to look at your options re: schools.

Tamtim · 15/01/2026 01:13

I would demand that the other boy be suspended for the same amount of time whilst they investigate what happened. I feel so angry that this crap is tolerated and not dealt with swiftly. Hopefully that little jerk walks away with his tail between his legs when he sees your son walking down the hall at school next.

Tamtim · 15/01/2026 01:06

It’s sounds like your son handled the situation perfectly especially as the school has seemly done nothing to stop the bullying towards him. Hopefully they go easy on him and hopefully the bully will have learnt a lesson and will lay off your son.

The school should have had the boy and his parents in to talk about the bullying and racial abuse from the first time it was made known to them. There is no excuse. You should be proud, your kid handled the situation incredibly well.

99bottlesofkombucha · 15/01/2026 00:10

Hiptothisjive · 14/01/2026 23:39

A controlled kick after he ‘snapped’? So he snapped and was in control? The OP contradicts herself in her post:

Show quote history

Rubbish. There are plenty of instances of strong fit men getting angry and hitting someone, but they are easily big enough to kill them. They snapped but they weren’t going to kill someone. Ditto saying hurtful things in arguments you regret afterwards. It only takes 10 seconds of thinking to go ‘snapped but in control’ oh yes thats what happened. Most people can go I did that in an argument last week and I saw a story about that happening in the paper today.

Hiptothisjive · 14/01/2026 23:39

Peppermintpatty24 · 14/01/2026 19:47

Did you not read what OP said, it was a "controlled kick". In other words, he knew what he was doing, and exercised restraint. He deserved everything he got, and some.

Show quote history

A controlled kick after he ‘snapped’? So he snapped and was in control? The OP contradicts herself in her post:

Hiptothisjive · 14/01/2026 23:35

Wearescrewed · 14/01/2026 21:57

Proud and I think you’re a great parent to have encouraged him to be able to defend himself.
The other boy has technically broken the law with his abuse, it’s a hate crime, so I’d be tempted to escalate the situation because it’s the systemic and consistent abuse by that bully that led to this incident. It was completely preventable if the school had adhered to their anti bullying/racism policy, assuming they must have one.
I have a child of mixed heritage and I’d be furious about the lack of action and proud of her defending herself. I’d be escalating also, to board of governors, head and the council.
So sorry this is happening to you both, I am
ashamed of our country right now and this enabled racism.
Sadly I find many don’t understand or care enough if it’s not directly within their sphere of experience.

Agreed but then they have both broken the law so that is okay?

ElevensesKing · 14/01/2026 23:35

Email the school head, safeguarding lead and governors and ask what steps they've taken regarding the racist bullying. This is so it's on record and they can't pretend that the racist bullying didn't happen. If you've got any previous email about the bullying, use that email to continue the thread. Also, ask how did they deal with the racist twit and what punishment he's been given for instigating an incident. Then report them to Ofsted just to turn the heat up a little bit.

Hiptothisjive · 14/01/2026 23:34

Namenamchange · 13/01/2026 17:05

I think it was fine to retaliate, but completely wrong to kick him in the head. Your son could have killed him, and the outcome for your son would now be very different.
The school should have safeguarded your son before this incident, and shoulder some responsibility, however your son was completely wrong and should have kicked him anywhere but his head

Edited

Yeah I feel the same. Kicking a boy in the head with advanced martial arts training is never okay. Your son is effectively a deadly weapon and got very lucky the other boy wasn’t seriously hurt.

The other boy was truly out of order and the racism is abhorrent but two wrongs don’t make a right and your sons reaction was completely disproportionate in that instance (irrespective of what has previously happened he physically had only been shoved).

I think he needs to take responsibility for his actions and I agree with the suspension but the school also has a duty of care to your son and something needs to happen there.

Mexicantortilla · 14/01/2026 23:22

Seymorbutts · 13/01/2026 16:54

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

You post is contradictory, you said that your son ‘finally cracked’ but you also say he used a ‘controlled kick to the head’. It would seem that the ‘finally cracked’ was an emotional response and I wonder when someone acts emotionally they are not using their wise brain but rather the amygdala which is responsible for fight or flight, you son fought and used his skills possibly impulsively rather than being the calculated and controlled person you are trying to present. When someone responds emotionally there is no control and no conscious thought weighing up pros and cons. There are no winners here. Neither were right in their actions and whilst your son naturally defended himself it does not make him a hero! Sorry he has gone through this and been put in this position by the school, I would request a debrief with the school and for them to have honest and transparent reflection on both boys behaviour and how they responded right from the get go and how they would respond if similar was to happen again as they have a responsibility to both boys to ensure they act and behave appropriately and keep themselves and others safe. The school need to learn lessons here, that takes an honest and accountable senior leadership team but I fear they will try to do damage limitation and blame either or both of the boys.

FancyHelper · 14/01/2026 23:08

Good for him standing up to a bully
sometimes bully’s need to get a realisation and your son did it!

Wearescrewed · 14/01/2026 21:57

Proud and I think you’re a great parent to have encouraged him to be able to defend himself.
The other boy has technically broken the law with his abuse, it’s a hate crime, so I’d be tempted to escalate the situation because it’s the systemic and consistent abuse by that bully that led to this incident. It was completely preventable if the school had adhered to their anti bullying/racism policy, assuming they must have one.
I have a child of mixed heritage and I’d be furious about the lack of action and proud of her defending herself. I’d be escalating also, to board of governors, head and the council.
So sorry this is happening to you both, I am
ashamed of our country right now and this enabled racism.
Sadly I find many don’t understand or care enough if it’s not directly within their sphere of experience.

SumUp · 14/01/2026 21:57

Be proud that your son stood up for himself. A blow to the head isn’t the safest way to floor the bully, but in the heat of the moment, in difficult circumstances, he probably did his best.

Those circumstances would not have arisen if the school had dealt with the bullying and racism.

Be cautious about telling the school that he’s a black belt if they don’t already know - the law may view being skilled at a martial art similarly to carrying a weapon.

Peppermintpatty24 · 14/01/2026 21:32

BringBackCatsEyes · 14/01/2026 21:05

I would be very interested to hear the taekwondo instructor's POV on this. I am pretty sure they would not condone this sort of action.

Show quote history

I would expect they wouldn't openly condone it no. But secretly, I bet they'd think "good, serve him right..!". Why is it people always try to make the aggressor the victim? Like clearly in this case.

LaDamaDeElche · 14/01/2026 21:18

Namenamchange · 13/01/2026 17:05

I think it was fine to retaliate, but completely wrong to kick him in the head. Your son could have killed him, and the outcome for your son would now be very different.
The school should have safeguarded your son before this incident, and shoulder some responsibility, however your son was completely wrong and should have kicked him anywhere but his head

Edited

Punching someone in the face could also result in death if they hit their head. Slapping someone also could. There’s always a risk with any violence, even just pushing someone.

sleeppleasesoon · 14/01/2026 21:09

I’d be super proud of my son.

The bully had what’s coming to him, entitled little shit.

Weedoormatnomore · 14/01/2026 21:08

A controlled kick would not knock someone to the floor. A controlled kick would just be like a gentle tap.

Hope you manage to get things sorted at the school definitely go above the school to governors about the bullying.

BringBackCatsEyes · 14/01/2026 21:05

Peppermintpatty24 · 14/01/2026 19:47

Did you not read what OP said, it was a "controlled kick". In other words, he knew what he was doing, and exercised restraint. He deserved everything he got, and some.

Show quote history

I would be very interested to hear the taekwondo instructor's POV on this. I am pretty sure they would not condone this sort of action.

TwinklySquid · 14/01/2026 20:40

Seymorbutts · 13/01/2026 16:54

My 14 yo son is a blackbelt in Taekwondo. He worked really hard to get there, has always had a lot of discipline and regularly competes in competitions. It’s been drilled into him by his teacher and myself that the best way to avoid physical conflict is to walk away and Taekwondo also taught him de-escalation techniques and how to avoid getting into fights. It’s a sport for him. He’s never been in a fight other than the odd push or shove in the playground in his life…until the other day. A boy in the year above him has been “hassling” him for months, as he puts it. I’d call it bullying. He’s had racist abuse from this boy (DS is mixed race in a very white school) I’ve spoken to the school about this, nothing ever seems to change. The boy’s deliberately tripped him up a number of times, causing him to fall, taunts him, steals & hides his schoolbag, and has shoved him more than once. From what I know DS gives back as good as he gets verbally but has never retaliated physically. The other day however, this boy shoved him hard (not just according to DS, multiple witnesses also) against his locker and called him a horrible racial slur and DS finally cracked. He floored him with a kick to the head! The boy wasn’t knocked out or anything and according to DS he didn’t kick with full force but it did knock him to the ground. There was no real damage done, it wasn’t severe enough for him to go to hospital or even go home from school (the school didn’t find out about the incident till much later in the day). I’m in conversation with the school about it now and DS is temporarily suspended pending a final outcome but the other boy hasn’t been suspended. AIBU to be backing my son here? The other boy started it - he got physical first, my son was defending himself, he’s been bullied by this boy for months (who is far bigger and stronger than DS) including being racially abused and the school did nothing about it. IMO this boy had it coming. DS also used a controlled kick, deliberately designed not to do severe damage. I’d never usually defend my son using violence, other than in self-defence, especially because of how highly trained he is, but in this situation I feel it was warranted. As a black woman, if someone called me what that boy called my son (especially if they also shoved me like he did) I can’t say they wouldn’t get a flying kick to the head either! For that reason alone I can’t condemn him for doing what he did. I do feel uncomfortable with condoning violence but I also feel proud my boy stood up for himself AND managed to have the discipline in the heat of the moment not to hurt him more severely (which he definitely could of done). And part of me feels like saying to the school, well if you let racism go unchecked what did you think was going to happen?! Needless to say the boy won’t be bothering him again and he’s now a bit of a hero around school!

My issue wouldn’t be the retaliation but the type. You can’t kick people in the head incase it was serious.

Pessismistic · 14/01/2026 20:09

Hi op unfortunately It’s the only way to stand up to bullies I’m sure no one will try it again. . If the school are fobbing you off take it to the governors the teachers tend to take more notice if there involved it doesn’t matter there are no witnesses your ds has told them and that’s all he should have to do. Next time threaten the school with the police as they will take it seriously.

Arcticienne · 14/01/2026 20:06

I suspect you are being a bit too passive here. Forget skin colour. (mine is pale btw). Your son has been subjected to harassment and incremental aggression. (forget the term ‘bullying’ - everyone seems to be bullied these days). This behaviour has been reported by yourself, yet apparently no corrective action has been taken by the school. After yet another incident in which your son has for the first time forcibly responded to physical assault - he finds himself suspended whilst the perpetrator goes unpunished save for the damage to his dignity. I would be presenting myself in front of whoever has taken this decision the next day DEMANDING that the decision be rescinded accompanied by a guarantee that there would be adequate oversight of pupil behaviour in future. Failing which you would take matters up with, school board, local politician, local press, and ultimately legal representatives. Your son showed restraint. You - Gloves Off!

Peppermintpatty24 · 14/01/2026 19:47

Toddlerteaplease · 13/01/2026 17:00

He could have killed him with a kick to the head. Or caused a serious injury. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

Edited

Did you not read what OP said, it was a "controlled kick". In other words, he knew what he was doing, and exercised restraint. He deserved everything he got, and some.

AskingQuestionsAllTheTime · 14/01/2026 19:39

This points up what i am trying (clearly without success) to get through to people.

NotnowMildrid
Had the fall gone wrong and the bully banged his head badly it could have caused brain damage or death.

ANY FALL CAN DO THIS. A blow to the head is not the only thing that causes a fall in which the head gets banged. Ankle sweep takes out legs from under someone means a fall means the bully could have banged his head badly. ANY blow can (and is probably intended to) cause a fall.

NotnowMildrid
It happens, I knew a lad who tripped on a kerb, hit his head and it killed him instantly.

Just so.

I don't think kicking him in the head was ideal, even though he deserved to have the piss scared out of him as being kicked in the head while you are standing up would tend to do, but since any reaction at all to his continual harassment might have caused damage to him, it's silly to be upset only by the words "kick to the head".