Would you been annoyed sleepover

@Molly2135 i work in a similar occupation to your husband and so I get it.

Some of the things we see makes us incredibly risk averse. I don’t blame him for the way he feels at all.

I wouldn’t be happy about this. I have declined a sleepover invite for my daughter for this very reason. I am a single parent, and if I were to have my children’s friends for a sleepover and I had a partner (not living together) then I would inform the parents prior to them accepting the invite if he’d be staying. For the very reason that I would want to know if it was my child going for the sleepover.

I’ve also declined a sleepover where there was an invite and it turned out the parents would be going out and it was an Uncle who would be there. Luckily I got this information from my daughter first!

This is the risk you take when you send your child to a sleepover. You never know who else will be in the home. You can’t get arsey about it afterwards

You haven’t read the post properly. She said that she loosened the reins when the kids were older and able to stand up for themselves.

I dont think people should have to say on a sleepover invite who will be in the house, but i think you should be asking.

If you asked and she said it would just be her and then you saw him there, then this would be a big problem. If you never asked and just assumed, then that's on you really.

I dont think you're unreasonable to be concerned that he was there though, there's zero chance I'd have let my daughter go to that sleepover.

Interesting hearing people talk about the adults in the house.

If you're going down that road, it's the teenage brothers in the house to look out for too.

If your a looked after child, it just isn't allowed full stop fir the reasons mentioned.

Why shouldn't it be the same for all children. They all deserve to ve safeguarded.

You can’t really monitor who they have as friends + at their house. However you are now in a position that you may find her choices do not align with yours. This may help make future decisions or questions to be asked.

If She has divulged information about his drunken actions, you could mention you were surprised to see him at the children’s sleepover from what she has previously mentioned. I think if I had been truthful about certain aspects I would have then avoided having him stay when 10yr old children were over (never let him step foot in the house again).

A man with alcohol issues and who was nasty to his girlfriend? I bet you would remove your daughter in a flash.

Some of these stories just confirm my happiness with my decision years ago.
Simply not worth the risk.

Unfortunately in my own life I have heard from friends of the handsy neighbour, uncle etc., so I really don't believe you can ever know.

My childrens childhood was too precious for it to be taken by chance by a random opportunity whilst not in my care.

They never asked and it fortunately never came up.
It really wasn't a thing in our circles until secondary school.

Agreed - and sorry to hear, but yes very much a survivor!

Some of my friends never allowed them at all. And, as a survivor of csa, I support that choice.

It isn't that you mistrust friends or acquaintances, but why would you trust anyone with your most precious being? They don't miss out on anything. They can have enormous fun with friends - children are so imaginative.

As an analogy: what were the odds of that tragic fire happening over the New Year? Some of us would have said has this place had its safety checks? is it safe to light sparklers inside? And the others would have said "you're spoiling the fun. What could possibly go wrong?"

With all that is going on in the world - you're absolutely right to be cautious. There is a lesson learned here however, next time you allow your daughter to be at a sleepover - before you agree to let her stay there - ask the parents if any other adults will be in the house. Then you aren't relying on someone to be up front with you.

I have had parents come over and speak to us and want to see our home before they let their kids come over to house. It always surprises me when they just drop them off and don't even get out of the car to say a word to us. The boys are teenagers now and so are their friends - but you really cannot be too careful.

When we no longer have a male violence problem and when we no longer have a 98% of sexual offences are committed by men problem, then maybe things will change.

If you're sad about this, then be part of the solution. Not one of the many men's voices who are just sad that women are cautious.

Because not all men but, 98% of the time, a man.

It's not sexism. It's survival.

Sorry op I think this is on you, I don’t let my kids do sleep overs for this sort of reason, you never know what’s going on in someone else’s house. Family and close family friends yes maybe, but not people you don’t know about.

I was always worried about my kids going on sleepovers as you don't know about the other adults in the house. In the end I gave in and let my son go to a friend's as I knew the mum and dad were both nice and trustworthy. Found out the next day that the grandfather, who I didn't know, had given the boys a bath for some reason! Totally unnecessary and just confirmed my worries about it all! I don't think you are unreasonable.

People saying "unless I know the family very well" are unfortunately kidding themselves. I was abused at a sleepover by a pleasant, mild mannered stepfather my parents knew well over several years. My friend was also abused by him and we never spoke about it until adulthood. Sadly it's a risk you take. I have many many good sleepover memories, even at her house, and probably wouldn't wanted to have lost that despite this deeply traumatic episode. But let's not pretend you can ever know who is an abuser.

It was a sleepover, not an emergency.

This is why my kids don't have sleepovers

There are always randomers stopping over too

Yeah sorry I wasn’t clear, how could you be certain no man on the scene at all? A relationship of a few months, you may not be aware of

I live up the road from where a child was murdered by the ex of the Mum whilst at a sleepover. He wasn’t even expected at the house or meant to be there … so they couldn’t have let anyone know either way. He killed them all.

No one locally will ever forget it and sleepovers just aren’t a “thing” round here anymore really.

I know mass murder is unlikely, but men being generally awful is statistically much more likely. You wouldn’t know what you were sending her to whether or not he was planning to be there.

www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/23/stark-failures-by-probation-service-contributed-to-of-derbyshire-family

I would be deeply unhappy finding this out and furious with myself for not asking.
I am another person who didn't do sleep overs at all until age 14.

In your place if it comes up, I would definitely tell her that "I am very annoyed that I didn't clarify that it was you and the girls only for the sleepover, I certainly didn't expect to find your unpleasant ex in the house with the girls.".

Harsh lesson, but one you won't forget.
I think she lied by ommission, but I appreciate others won't agree with that. I really believe being a bit bad minded and very protective, serves parents well.

I say this very respectfully because I’m sure you’re a fab dad but women who are mothers of girls make decisions based on their experiences of having been a teenage girl in the past.

Whether inside or outside the home, men are the ones harassing and groping teen girls, not women. So there is a huge difference between agreeing to a sleepover at a single mother household and agreeing to one with an unknown male presence.

yes a man is a higher risk statistically but womens crime is on the rise and anyone is a risk to some extent.
mine had sleepovers from 6 years old with school friends whose mums i knew - dad in house but we didn’t think so much of it then as things maybe were not reported ( mine are 19 & 22 now ) we always had kids staying at ours , most weekends and often my male family member were there. I probably did always mention to other mums though if family coming over for bbq etc why kids were staying. I think if i had younger ones again I would not allow as easy as i did then. luckily mine were fine, its a shame we can’t let kids be kids and trust people more , but world we live in