Cried for 90 mins

I think the OP is saying her son woke and wanted to go downstairs, to presumably start the day at 4 am. The OP tried to comfort her son, even took him into her bed but he didn't want comfort, he wanted to go downstairs. He hadn't woken due to night terrors, because he was hungry, or thirsty or needed a nappy change. He simply had decided it was time for him and Mummy to get up at 4 am! He cried because the OP wouldn't take him downstairs and start her day at 4 am!!!

At just over 2 years old, her son is beginning to assert himself!!

Toddlers do this sometimes. Maybe he was cold/thirsty/hungry? He doesn’t understand time yet. I’d have taken him downstairs for a little drink then taken him to my bed to hopefully settle down to snooze for a bit longer. Try telling stories or singing instead of giving your phone. Sometimes I used to put cbeebies bedtime stories on my phone and listen (not watch) to one or two then settle down again.

As a one off just having him in bed with you is no big deal and you don’t need to do anything . If it becomes a recurring problem look at things like is his bedtime too early, does he need to drop a nap if he still has one.

Also, about all this 'they need to learn night is for quiet sleeping' business. Yes they do, eventually, but knowing that night is for quiet sleeping isn't going to make them sleep. My 7 year old understands that night is for quiet sleeping but that doesn't mean she'll sleep if she wakes early and is not tired. What is a 2 year old supposed to do if they're awake and can't sleep because they're not tired? Even if they 'understand'? They're not going to just lie there quietly???

I would have just sucked it up and gone downstairs tbh, if it’s not happening all the time. Sometimes toddlers are unable to sleep, just like adults, and it’s crap but you shouldn’t just abandon them to cry.

If my 1 year old wakes up as early as that then like the OP I attempt to get him back to sleep anyway I can, bring him into my bed and stall for time, see if he'll go back to sleep. But if he's wide awake what else can you do but get up? If they're not going back to sleep then you're not going back to sleep so you may as well get up.
If it was 2 or 3am it would look more like going to have a play downstairs until he gets tired again and then back to bed. At 4.15 maybe would be like that as well. But in any case just bloody well suck it up and get up! The child is not currently tired!

I think it is alright to leave for short periods of time while you calm down or have a rethink. More than an hour left to cry is excessive. Toddlers go through a few clingy phases but mostly children cry because they want a need attended to that they are struggling to communicate.

What you did to begin with (bringing him into your room for a little while and trying to comfort/settle him) was correct but where you went slightly wrong (it’s alright to make mistakes, as a parent we all do) is to show him videos on your phone. This will have majorly overstimulated him and prolonged his crying. The blue light on the phone will also make him more awake.

If you have a low lamp or nightlight a better way to settle and calm him would be to read a toddler book to him. Especially a bedtime one. Or sing nursery rhymes to him with the lights off. It’s then fine to put him back in the cot as you did and come in every 15-20 mins and reiterate that it’s nighttime, we stay in bed until morning etc

It’s also worth checking if the reason he is set on going downstairs so early is because he is thirsty/hungry/feeling wet if not potty trained. You could try offering a drink of water or milk and putting back to bed or supervising him eating a banana or similar and then putting him back to bed.

Oh dear OP! I've been there with my very strong willed little girl at around that age. Sometimes they just want what they want and nothing else will do.
If you were checking in and offering comfort then you've been doing the right thing and hopefully the message will sink in that night time is for quiet and sleeping. Do try not to offer your phone if you can help it, as the blue light can shock our systems out of a restful state that is already proving a struggle to maintain.
When my daughter was really wide awake and couldn't sleep, I used to sometimes put a soft lamp on with a cloth over it to keep the room dim and read a couple of gentle stories.
Actually, I'm speaking as if it was long ago but she's only just turned 3 and I'm sure the lamplit 4am story will make a comeback at some point 😂

Good luck OP, give yourself grace today. You must be exhausted 💗

Completely mixed signals-
play with the phone but it’s too early to go downstairs.
Come to mummy’s bed but then it’s too dangerous so back alone in your cot.

No wonder he cried! Poor thing.

To the toddler there can be little difference between the two. They don’t have the power of reasoning to understand that the thing they are upset about is trivial. After a while, all they are aware of is that they are distressed, regardless of the why. And they need comfort and reassurance.

Er no, that’s not how parenting works for everyone. Otherwise, what happens when said toddler decides it’s time to wake up at 3.15? Or 2.15? At what point do you think it becomes a parent’s job to teach their child the difference between night and day?

Fair enough it’s harder to teach a 2 month old this but a 2.5 year old certainly understands.

You said you went in once or twice in the space of nearly 2 hours

Is this a regular occurrence or a one-off? If it's regular it would suggest he may actually be ready to get up at that time.
Is it possible he was cold? Thirsty? Hungry?

Do I think you should have let him watch stuff on your phone aged 2? No.

Are early wakes annoying? Yes. Do i think as a parent we sometimes have to suck them up? Yes.

But as a parent you choose your poison

I’m confused, how long was he left to cry for?

He cried in total 90 mins right, but during that time he was being comforted by you, in your bed, watching your phone and when all else failed he was put in his cot to cry. How long was he in the cot crying?

I’ve been in this position before. I just took her downstairs and she then had an early nap. Everyone’s different so no judgement as such, but I’d probably question why you took such a hard line on it.

Using the phone as a pacifier is madness

I think there’s crying and there’s distraught, mine cried at that age and I’d say ‘you’re fine try and go to sleep’ etc, they’d still be crying and I’d be checking and in and out. So I think it depends but I was always glad I didn’t take them downstairs or co sleep as then you’re feeding into it and it just turns into a nightly thing

I read that making it as boring as possible for them when they wake up helps. No books or TV. I only read this years after my eldest used to do this at a similar age!! 😅 I got a clock that is blue overnight then yellow when it's ok to get up (you set the time), that helped a lot. And a toddler bed not a cot. Might be worth trying?

My 31 month old is still in a cot. She cannot climb out of it. What was the point in that comment?

Agree. They go through phases where some days you have to get up early as a parent (nightmares, not feeling quite right, worries). Mine is still an early riser and he's much older now but obviously I don't get up with him these days.

Well obviously he was up for the day and you needed to get up with him. Once it was obvious he wasn't going back to sleep, you treat that as being up for the day and you get up. He can go back to sleep a bit later. That's the way parenting works despite being 4.15am, some people deal with this every day. He doesn't understand what time it is. If it was 7am it would be cruel to leave him crying until 8 wouldn't it! Yes it would!

I totally agree. Hence why I told the OP what I would have done.
I don’t think that posters should be unkind about it though. Sometimes we fuck up. I know I have countless times.

Maybe I’m weird but I don’t really think 5am is too early, it’s a completely usual time for a lot of young children to wake up! My eldest DC woke religiously at 5am from being a toddler
through to around 14.

I’d honestly have tried to get him back to sleep at 4 but if he wasn’t having it by 5, I’d have got up.

Your mattress is 1.2m off the floor? Is it a four poster bunk bed?

No. Small children don’t “manipulate”. His tears weren’t manipulation- they were frustration/ annoyance that he couldn’t do what he wanted to do. He won’t be cognitively capable at that age of reasoning “maybe if I cry, I’ll get what I want, because mummy will just want me to stop crying”.

Im not saying that means he SHOULD get what he wanted- but he wasn’t being manipulative.

Holding the boundary of not going downstairs is fine and completely appropriate. Leaving the child for an hour crying alone is not. That’s what people are criticising

Hi OP. Sorry your are getting a hard time. Small children can manipulate and you didn't allow that, apart from the phone. He will be fine if this is a one off. However I'm future..

If you have a bed in his room, I think you should have stay in there with him either sharing that bed or he's in the cot and you're close by in the bed. Also, don't bring him into bed and show him your phone as that will be the new thing he wants in the middle of the night! Perhaps he just wanted a cuddle to get back to sleep. It's unusual to cry for that long if you're tired.

What time does he go to bed? Is he sleeping too long in the day? You may want to look at those things if he regularly wakes up for the day very early.