Cried for 90 mins

Look we’ve all been there (well maybe not some of the holier than thou earth mothers on here…..)- your little one can’t be settled no matter what you try and you get to the point where you feel like there is no option but to leave them to cry for a bit. Textbook parenting - no (but then those textbooks can’t even agree on the ‘right’ answer to this). Human? Absolutely. I wonder if going downstairs in his mind means getting up for the day and that’s really what he’s after. What is it he is looking to do down there.
Is there anything in his routine you need to tweak? Eg too much or too little daytime sleep. Is his room dark enough? The right temperature? Is what he is wearing warm enough or too warm? Could he be teething or sickening for something?

Once you’ve ruled all of that out and changed anything that might need changing it’s about being clear and consistent ‘we’re not going downstairs yet it’s still nighttime’. Keep laying him down as many times as you need to if he won’t respond to you saying ‘time to lie down’. You might try saying ‘if you lie down mummy will hold your hand’ or whatever way feels best to comfort him. Does he have a musical toy or something that signals it’s time for sleep? I found that useful for my LG. Play some soothing bedtime music or sing to him and hold his hand or stroke his head till he falls over.

You might find this is a phase that passes once he gets the clear message it’s not time to get up but you’ll still be there for him. Good luck!

But what is the toddler supposed to do in the cot if they are wide awake and can't get back to sleep?

Teaching a child to sleep at night time used to be common sense.

Mine get up on the night a lot still. I know you were trying to ‘stop the crying’ but I think watching the phone made it all worse.

I would try supper nanny style if he doesn’t want to bed share. I return mine back to bed each time. Lay with them a bit and then get back in my bed. It’s bloody exhausting but I’m not watching tv etc at4am nor am I going downstairs.

> I just left him in the cot until he eventually slept at 6am.

That is the heartbreakingly correct way to deal with this if there's no injury nor illness

Completely agree.

Because, in most cases, they only happen a handful of times and usually for a reason - teething, sore ears, nightmares etc etc.

I'm not sure leaving a toddler to cry for 90 minutes alone is sorting anything "swiftly".

2am is night time.

Exactly. A two year old needs to learn to stay in bed. Both of mine would have settled with me in my bed, so I’d have done that, but if they just wanted to play I’d have done exactly what you did.

The trick is to stay calm but firm. Go in at intervals, but do not give in. It shouldn’t take too many nights until he realises he isn’t going downstairs at that time.

Is he going to bed a little too early? Might keeping him up an hour later be worth a try?

Why drag out years of terrible sleep when you can sort it swiftly?

Mumsnet is so weird about sleep.

You did the right thing, you just now need to be consistent otherwise it would have been for nothing.

Your timelines are really unclear here. How long did he cry before you gave up and took out the phone? You then say you only watched it for ten minutes and that stopped him crying, at which point you put him back in his room and he started again.

It sounds like you didn't give him much time to regulate. Then you blasted a load of blue light in his face, which woke him up even more, and only ten minutes later, expected him to go back to sleep! And there was a lot of back and forth in general. His room, your room, back to his, then you checked on him a few times while watching on the camera.

You probably should have just stayed in the room with him, if you have a bed there and he couldn't stay in your room. It sounds like you were a comfort to him, he just needed more time to settle. I know it's hard, but sometimes you need to pick one approach and give it time to work.

Sometimes they wake very early and that's it, they're awake for the day. Those days are pretty tough. I would probably have gone downstairs with him, myself, and tried to doze on the sofa whilst he watched some TV.

Here’s a novel idea- there can be more than one reason for a course of action?

They are also all different. DD1 had phases of difficult sleep problems, one at about 2.5 and one at about 4/5 when she started school. DD2 slept like a log at night as a baby and toddler, very laid back, never went through what DD1 did- but was always a long/ tall, physically strong and able baby and toddler and could climb out of her cot, whatever we did.

So we changed it into a cot bed, as this was actually safer (after climbing and falling and bumping her head) we put cushions on the floor as we'd often find her asleep down there, she hardly ever cried if she fell out of bed - most of the time she didn't even wake up.

This worked until she was about eighteen months and we found her at 7am one morning downstairs asleep on a chair, covered in a baby blanket with one of the cats sitting on her, having got through the stair gate, having eaten several fairy cakes which were on a high shelf in a box (she had climbed up to get them). It wasn't that she cried and we ignored her, she just thought she'd go on a little adventure and had no instinct to wake us up at all!

She is 16 now, 5'10", slim and strong, plays in defence for the local women's football team, still a good eater and of course now getting her out of bed is more the issue.

I think at 4/5am I would have just got up. I learnt that if my kids woke after 2am they were unlikely to go back to sleep so it was best to just get up, stick something in the tv for them and lie half awake in the sofa. I have a dc who has always woken at 5am…..she’s now 19 and still wakes at 5am. Yes it’s not ideal when you have to get up and care for them but at that time it’s unlikely they will go back to sleep.

Have you considered if he was having a night terror? My daughter used to wake up screaming and would appear to be awake but couldn’t be settled and was very irrational. Would fight me off when I tried to cuddle her. Turned out she wasn’t properly awake. Had no memory of it later.

No, allowing your child to cry for 90 minutes alone is not ok.

Yes, you're right, it was easier for me as I only had the one child to worry about. It would be awful to have a toddler behaving like this and waking your newborn! (But it was still a difficult period)

No I never left her to cry for extended periods. But there's crying and crying isn't there? I mean you can normally tell from the tone when they are in real distress. The OP did say that she checked on him at intervals.

It's hard, but I think she needs to learn to trust her own judgement. If his behaviour the next day still shows signs of distress, then yes, she probably left him too long. If he's like it night after night then she needs a different approach. Lots of people have shared what worked for them, hopefully that'll give her some ideas to try.

You did the right thing! You don’t want to start things you don’t wish to continue. Doing that once is making a rod your own back. Eventually when he wakes in the night, he’ll just go back to sleep - as there’s nothing to get up for when it’s dark.

Agreed. You made a very different call to the one I would have made.

Did you check his ears this morning?
If my DS screamed for hours during the night it usually meant an ear infection the next day.

5 minutes of crying is a tantrum, an hour and a half is genuine distress.

Did you check if he was hungry or thirsty?

I agree with the others though that I stay in the room for as long as possible, dim lights etc, say it’s still night time.
i say I’m sleeping but they are welcome to read books or do quiet play, but I’ll stay in the room with them. Attempting sleep!

they go through so many developments at this age so I think their sleep can be a bit disturbed. It’s really hard for the parents!

Why not take him down? Snuggle on sofa? Read a story, then take him back to bed! Leaving him to cry for hours and half is mean! My baby is only 1 and sometimes that’s what she wants.. go downstairs. Keep the lights low and read a story, maybe a feed or cup of warm water; she’s usually ready to sleep again within 30 minutes!