I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

Yes I would def plan on meeting them BOTH. My MIL had a young couple of new renters in her cul d sac. The wife was in visiting every day. The husband was a gardener and was always doing paid jobs for my MIL in her minuscule garden - one involved him dropping of a plant (in a pot) for her front garden which she told me had cost her £500. He was there once when I turned up, wouldn’t look me in the eye and left immediately. My MIL was an independent woman in her 70s and this wasnt the only scam she was targeted on. She was easily flattered and these people have all the time in the world to groom them. Another was replacing a few cupboards in her 8x5 kitchen (no appliances) - £12k (15 years ago) - same company 6ft fitted wardrobe into existing recess (which had a perfectly fine existing fitted wardrobe) - £7k. Another was a boiler replacement (British Gas) nothing wrong with it - I intercepted that one. She lived around the corner from us. My husband popped in at least twice a week after work and she was with us and her grandchildren most weekends - but that still left ample time for her to be scammed.

Read up on elder abuse and financial exploitation on Age UK - they will give you the objective red flags to look out for.

If he has lost his confidence at going out are there regular activities / events appropriate to his age and profession to get him set up with?

I think once you can actually claim to seeing your father daily then argue about who he can and can't see or spend money on. I would be glad he has company rather than a family that visits once a month

Also- it doesn’t have to be lovely or concerning. It’s just a thing.

I'm an academic. I've had senior colleagues give me rare books because they know I'll enjoy them. Nothing very valuable - probably not more than low 100s - but I've really treasured them as mementos of our intellectual friendship. I would give former graduate students similar things, especially if I felt my children weren't interested. I don't think there's anything odd that he gave the book to her.

I don't think there is anything amiss here. It's very common for retired professors to keep up with former students/colleagues. I would be glad she is keeping him connected to other academic friends by going with him to talks and seminars.

If you're concerned, the easiest thing to do is ask if you can invite this friend for coffee when you're next up.

He's only 70!

Just because he's 70 it doesn't mean he's fucking senile. Unless he has dementia, keep your nose out.

I thought that!

"Hi Dad, I know you're doing fine but hand me your bank statements because I don't trust you"

Seriously? Power of attorney and look at his back statements? Bloody hell.

I think these kinds of friendships across generations can be so enriching and it sounds like both parties benefit.
If you're worried, OP, it wouldn't do any harm to get a lasting power of attorney (you should do that anyway) and check his bank statements from time to time.
Also, would it put your mind to rest if you were to meet her?
It never hurts to be cautious and aware. We all get more vulnerable as we get older and it's good for your dad to know you have his best interests at heart.

I think if this has crossed your mind then YANBU to literally 'worry'. Don't let it take over your life or get heavy-handed with your dad about it, but of course you can monitor it.

I think loads of excellent points have been raised that should help put your mind at rest. The fact she has met your dad with her partner says to me that she is as much protecting herself from her actions being misunderstood as more than friendship.

I actually think that there is a huge difference between a 70 year old who has been around the block a few times and has had to work hard and done shitty minimum wage jobs to earn money and has mixed with all sorts of people and someone who has lived in academia their whole life. Only mixing with people who are similar to them

Bollocks. It's just another version of the one trotted out about teachers "not living in the real world". Nothing can be assumed about MW workers and their savvy and that of an academic.

What a snotty attitude towards university lecturers! You do they can have worked shirty, minimum wage jobs, mixed with people from all over, worked hard and "been around the block" a bit?

Also they would very likely see a book in terms of its value as an actual book, an item to be read and cherished for its sentiment and content over the arbitrary monetary value. It doesn't suggest placing no worth on anything, just placing a different but equally valid worth on an item

And her partner only "often" comes, not always. Perhaps he drives his partner there as she doesn't drive, or they go out together afterwards and maybe he too is one of those pesky academics who likes to engage in the conversation and debate too (which is likely as DF seems to know him quite well) rather than some lout who is there rifling through DF's belongings for items to steal. Perhaps he too is one of those "not from round here" and places more value on older people and he does little odd jobs around the house too...

Women often have (temporary) cognitive decline post partum and in perimenopause should they not choose their own friends either.

I will still be working as a paramedic at 68, so let's hope for everyone's sake my cognitive decline ain't too bad by then!!

I actually think that there is a huge difference between a 70 year old who has been around the block a few times and has had to work hard and done shitty minimum wage jobs to earn money and has mixed with all sorts of people and someone who has lived in academia their whole life. Only mixing with people who are similar to them.

Its not about cognitive decline it’s about the absence of that cognition
Giving away the book says a lot about him

I actually think it says he places no worth on anything and for those with bad intentions it puts a blinking beacon on his head signalling that he is ripe for the taking.

I am wondering what this woman’s “charming partner” is doing during their chats.
This is the red flag. Why is a young guy hanging out with his partner whilst she is meeting up with her retired lecturer every single visit

I’m an academic and I cannot express how common this is. We all try to keep in touch with our best students, if they want to anyway. I actually now work with one of my PhD supervisees… It’s honestly just so normal and definitely not a problem whatsoever.

Are you concerned she’s taking advantage in some way? I’m unsure what you’re so worried about really.

Sounds like he's enjoying her company. If he saw the book as valuable he'd have sold it years ago.
Instead he's kept hold of it for whatever reason and found a use for it. While doing a bit of decluttering.

Yep. He’s 70, a recently retired professor. No way he can look after himself. Move him into a home immediately. Bloody hell.

I’m still friends with my former professor who is in her 80s and still an intellectual powerhouse. I go to hers for lunch or she comes to mine. It is great to talk to someone about interesting ideas.

He isn’t old he’s 70! And there’s no reason why his cognitions should be affected

I’d be cautious about this too. Though, it is equally possible that she’s a genuinely nice person. I’ve just been reading an article about a scheme where older people who need a bit of help at home but don’t need “care” can have a lodger who does a few hours of shopping, housework etc per week and all of the younger people interviewed seemed to really enjoy the friendship as well as the cheap lodgings. Many other cultures have a far greater respect and regard for older people.

Since I moved house I keep in touch with and still visit a couple of my previous elderly neighbours from time to time. I know they enjoy the company, and so do I. Sometimes I do a bit of shopping for them.

Hard for you being so far away, but I would keep asking your dad questions about what they do together. And maybe you could meet her on one of your visits?

@Pollinaa Yes, it could just be a lovely intellectual friendship, but do keep an eye out. The valuable book thing is a sign of a potential issue. Depends if he's worldly wise, or a bumbling academic who is lost outside academia.
70 isn't necessarily old (many people are still working, and/or fit and healthy, others have issues.)

I’m not looking forward to retirement and old age if we’re only supposed to talk to the other members of the bowling club once we get there.

Perhaps she got the younger version of cognitive decline? 🙄

I think it’s fine and sounds really lovely. I was this person back in the day. I had a favourite professor who became a mentor to me. We’d meet for coffee about once a month. I’d look after his cats when away. At one point, he needed brain surgery and I literally drove him to the hospital for his surgery (someone else picked him up and another stayed with him the first few days). The difference being maybe that in my case he was gay, but no partner or children.

I moved away eventually, but we stayed in touch for the next nearly 20 years until he died from cancer. What was absolutely lovely was that he’d cultivated lots of these relationships with former students, so when he got ill, he was never alone. Everyone rallied. I lived far away, but many of his former students took turns sitting with him in hospice until the end. For someone with no family, he made his own. Obviously, don’t let them move in and be careful if any money starts to move around, but on the surface, it sounds wonderful especially for someone who doesn’t have choir grandchildren nearby.

I'd be really interested in this link too. I teach adults one to one. One of my best students is 70. I'm sure they'd be interested to read this too.