I can't tell if it is lovely that my dad has this friend, or concerning?

If anyone tried to police my friendships, they would be written out of my will.

People of any age can have dementia, it increases in likelihood at 70, but this is why we have capacity assessments and DOLS, but suggesting that a 70 year old with an opposite sex friend of a different generation is automatically vulnerable is insulting.

He's 70, not 170! There is very likely nothing at all wrong with his cognitions.
OP isn't U to be concerned about her DF but she is most likely U to be concerned about his friendship with his former student, who has given her no reason for concern.

To be fair its not completely unknown for people in their 70s to have dementia.

I see where you're coming from and it won't hurt to keep an eye but it is very possible to be genuinely friends regardless of age. I'm in my 30s and met a lovely man late 60s who used to come into the cafe that I worked in. We became very good friends and would always do cards, presents, food, coffee etc. I unfortunately lost him Christmas 2024 very suddenly, I miss him a lot.

Is she taking a break from her PHd? Or has she not started one yet? I ask because if she was an MSc student she would really not have had that much contact with him, even if he was her supervisor. Maybe more if she was doing an MSD...

As someone who works in a university, I find this quite odd tbh. Borderline inappropriate. I hope they weren't exchanging gifts when she was a student

Yes! I'm hooting at the notion that at 70, he's somehow 'old and vulnerable', because my partner is 70 next week (and she's feckin' FURIOUS about it! I'm a couple of years younger) and she's still very much got her marbles, teaches music, is very active and is cognitively as sharp as ever.

I don't think the book is an issue at all.

My dad gave away the majority of his collection relating to his nerdy hobbies that spanned a lifetime, whilst waiting to die. His best mate and brother helped him and they only sold things that nobody he knew wanted (duplicates). I have no idea of what the monetary value of the collection might have been, it was not any of my business.
Sadly as of this week my uncle is doing the same with his equally nerdy collection.

I think it is a normal part of the aging and ultimately dying process to pass these sentimental and treasured things on, and cash value is unimportant, finding somebody equally as passionate is what matters.

This is one of the silliest things I've read on here in some time, which is saying something. Do you think academics actually inhabit ivory towers, where they waft about thinking Higher Thoughts and occasionally falling over their own shoelaces? Academia is just an ordinary job. We are doing vast amounts of admin, managing research projects, negotiating endless meetings, taking courses, doing outreach and student recruitment, and all the entirely ordinary things most professionals do, as well as teaching and research. Academics aren't protected from anything anyone else deals with, and they certainly aren't any more 'unworldly'.

OP, this is ridiculous. I saw one of my former lecturers (aged 76, with a dying DH) for lunch last week. Next month, I will be going to stay for a weekend with another former lecturer (single and in her late 70s) with whom I became friends after I moved close to where she used to live. Believe it or not, I am not planning to inveigle my way into either of their wills.

I think its a big ask for his DD to visit more than once a month each, giving the time and distance involved.
They presumably have jobs and children to look after too.

What would make sense would be for him to visit them too.

Being of a nasty, suspicious nature, I’d certainly be keeping eyes and ears very much open, and, while being perfectly pleasant to the woman in question if meeting her, would probably try to visit a bit more often.

Goodness knows that younger women taking advantage of a considerably older widower’s susceptibility is hardly unknown.

As the saying goes, ‘There’s no fool like an old fool…’.

He's a highly intelligent 70 year old man living independently, he can set up LPoA for finance in preparation for the future if he wishes (and it is a sensible thing to do) for when he does lose capacity or need some assistance, but the cheek of asking to check his bank statements WTF now, WTF!!

unless the book is worth a couple of grand it’s not an issue really. The value is for someone who will enjoy it and value it, rather than it being left to get dusty or given off in a fire estate sale

the best thing to do is keep talking to him regularly so you have updates. And visit him regularly so they know he has people around.

could you and your sister up visits to once a month each so he gets two visits a month? He may feel a bit more overwhelmed with the city but also may not be up for moving as far as Cornwall or Scotland.

The OP said that her recently widowed and retired father had lost his confidence. That’s understandable and also significant. It means he’s emotionally vulnerable. Grooming and financial exploitation is always targeted on easy prey / the vulnerable - at any age in life. It’s important to be informed and vigilant.

I hope the DF is having a lovely friendship and it brings him joy and comfort.

Does anyone else think that this is a copy of a question asked previously, right down to the age difference, the woman's partner sometimes going with them, the gifts etc? Are mumsnet recycling posts or are they fake to begin with? The 'op' can of course say its genuine, been here for years but I definitely read this post before.

I can't believe the number of posters who seem to think that anyone aged 70 or over had lost their marbles!

He's 70! He's not that old!

My gut feeling is that this is probably harmless and rather lovely for both of them. Part of my reasoning for this is that she hasn't tried to establish a romantic relationship with him, she's been quite open about the fact that she has a partner, and indeed your dad has met and gets on with the partner. I think a scammer in this position would be more likely to try flattering and lovebombing him into a relationship, while perhaps secretly carrying on with a partner of her own age until she could walk way with some money. I also think there's an element of "found family" about it, and since they're both far away from their biological families, that must be a comfort to them.

The gift of the book doesn't strike me as all that odd, but then my dad was also an academic, and he'd always had a rather Zen, unmaterialistic attitude to possessions. It would be just like him - and maybe your dad too - to give away a book that was worth a bit but didn't mean much to him emotionally. To be honest mine might even have felt a bit smug for having "pulled a fast one" - giving away something that he didn't have to pay anything for but would make him appear generous. I'm not suggesting your dad would be that devious! Her gifts to him are touchingly thoughtful too.

Keep talking to him, not sternly expressing disapproval that he's giving his time or anything else for this friend, but just asking how it's going sometimes as part of the general conversation. And yes, absolutely get to know her yourself if you can. You have something important in common - you are both fond of your dad. You might find you get on really well, and since you can't be with your dad as often as you'd like, it would be reassuring to know he has someone nearby who cares about him and could let you know if anything goes wrong (although at 70 he's probably got many healthy years ahead of him).

I'm not saying it's impossible that there's something else going on, but the evidence so far doesn't point to it as far as I'm concerned, and friendly communication is probably the best way to ensure he'll feel able to tell you if he ever suspects anything.

And if she was doing it for financial gain…. What would you do? Tell him not to see her, report her to the police for committing no crime? Force him to give you control of his finances?

All you could do is visit more often or meet her. He’s an intelligent man why do you think you could do anything in his defence when he’s chosen to continue the friendship? He has presumably kept his marbles so is entitled to do what he wants with his time and money.

I gave a former colleague a rare expensive book when he left. It didn’t mean anything beyond you were a great colleague and I’ll miss you.

Also, some academics don’t live in the ‘real world’ so the PP who suggested this isn’t completely wrong. Some leave uni, do masters, do PhD then enter academia and that is their whole life. They are completely and utterly useless at basic common sense tasks, piss up and brewery springs to mind… Wonderful people, great to speak to, could chew your ear off about Freud and Foucault but just so bloody clueless about functions of every day life for most people.

I had shit jobs before uni and a difficult upbringing too so didn’t live in a cushty middle class bubble. We’re not all like that but some are, it is true. It doesn’t mean they’re more susceptible to being taken advantage of though. I’m sure OP’s dad just values this student greatly and I think that’s wonderful.

I'm 77 and a born and bred Londoner. I find it overwhelming these days too and tend to stick to my local area. As far as the young lady is concerned I wouldn't be worried about this friendship as your Dad sounds like he knows what he is doing.
Edited to add: my coginitive (sp?) abilities are also fine!

YANBU to be concerned, but it doesn't sound particularly suspicious at the moment. Just keep an eye out. Financial elder abuse is common unfortunately.

I’d be concerned about him giving her very expensive things and more the fact the accepts them!! Most people with any morals wouldn’t accept a first edition book from an old man that’s worth £££ and how coincidental is it that it’s her “favourite” book! THAT alone I would have warning bells at and also the “charming” partner …what are they after would be my concern as many similar situations have happened and money and items have been given to the new friends and then oh how lovely they had also been left their house etc in the persons will

Would he be open to moving nearer to you or your sister?

As a 70 something myself, I would like to report my cognitive ability is fine!