To be furious at my ‘supposedly’ best friend?

You asked AIBU and 97% of people think you are. I have rarely seen such a definitive result.

It's pretty decisive so if you aren't going to take any notice then you have wasted your time with this thread.

Hi OP. I think you are over reacting and perhaps a bit more sensitive with the pregnancy hormones (kindly). Being a bridesmaid is an honour and certainly important. You will be included in planning surely. I've been a bridesmaid twice. Once MOH and I absolutely shared all the planning with the other bridesmaids. Do you have a sister? I do agree with others that normally you would chose your sister as MOH and she was maybe under pressure to do so. Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy and the wedding!

Gently, this is a you problem, not a her problem. Ultimately, it’s her day, not yours, you don’t get to decide. You made a deal years ago at school, erm, things change. You clearly are important as you are one of the bridesmaids. Re. the hen do I don’t see why you couldn’t reach out to the sister and say you would love to get involved in organising as well am sure that the additional help would be appreciated especially if you’re keen. You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, don’t ruin a friendship over something relatively so small (however it might feel to you).

OP, there are 13 pages of replies and I think could count on one hand the number who think you're being rational.

You need to let it go.

What should I do going forward?

Honestly? You sound stuck in all your posts. I think you should probably discuss with a counsellor about why you are having such a massive and immature overreaction to a perceived snub that originates in a school girl fantasy. You are allegedly an adult, married with a child of your own and expecting another. Yet, you are behaving and posting as if you are still about 10.

Whatever agreement you made as children was made in immaturity. Her sister, who is 9 years younger, was probably still a baby/toddler. Certainly a very young child and therefore it will not have occurred to either of you that as adults, that 9 year gap would be a lot smaller than it was when you weren't much more than 9 yourselves. Nor did either of you know anything about wedding planning and how stressful it can be.

It sounds to me as if she has tried to be kind. Still made you a bridesmaid, but taken any extra pressure off you. But that isn't enough for you. Why is that? Why are you wanting her wedding to be about you and your childhood based vision instead of being able to centre her (and her fiancé) and their wishes on their day?

If the sister is 9 years younger that is why she was never considered as maid of honour material when you were teens, as she was a little girl and teens don't see their annoying younger siblings as ever growing up. Sister is now an adult and their relationship will have matured, I'm sorry but sister trumps friend, don't spoil your friendship over a childs promise that excluded her sister because of her age at the time.

Also if the sister knows the other bridesmaids better (eg cousins) it makes sense for her to be the chief bridesmaid since you said you didn't really know them.

It is, although nobody really gives a monkeys these days. I remember finding it mildly interesting when reading bridal magazines for the various weddings I've been in the bridal party for, including mine.

As it is, I've been a bridesmaid, chief bridesmaid and matron of honour, as it's all decided by age and marital status really. Absolutely no frigging difference.

You're still included and honestly, not being a MOH is probably best for you given the fact you might not be able to dive in deep into the whole planning. I understand your frustration, but it really doesn't have to do anything with the friendhsip.Yep, there was an agreement and you did your part, but is it really that serious to ruin relationship over?

MaidZilla!

Reasonable to be a bit sad - unreasonable to be furious and crying.

I believe the technical term for a married 'maid of honour' is 'matron of honour' (my mother was one for my aunt in the eighties), but it seems to have fallen out of usage.

I know I’m getting on a bit but what is the actual difference between being a bridesmaid and a maid of honour? In my day you just rocked up in a dress you didn’t particularly like and flirted with the best man 🤣. There wasn’t anything in particular to be organised. I didn’t have a hen do, and if I had we’d have just gone to the pub. It all seems so complicated now !

You can't be serious.

Are you taking the piss? Time to grow up.

Sorry OP, I think you are being unfairly flamed on here.

You had a longstanding agreement which your best friend whose reasoning for not keeping to it is solely because you are pregnant?

I think that's appalling behaviour and I'd also be upset. It just sounds a bit Bridezilla on her part. Personally I would also be questioning the relationship. Pregnancy does alter friendships so this might be a sign that times are changing. Could you try talking to her? I really hope you can find a way forward and congrats on your pregnancy💐

“I’m never going to have the chance of being ‘chief bridesmaid’”

Just like many others of us then! It’s really not that big a deal. I don’t feel any worse off in life for never having been a chief bridesmaid/moh. I’m not that far off 50 so that chance has passed me by and I never even realised that about myself until this thread. Why? Because it’s not important.

Also OP 'Maid' in both wedding and noble terms means 'unmarried' and a married person cannot be a 'Maid'.

My sister got married two years ago, I’m getting married this year. I was her MOH and she was mine, it wasn’t even a question! I’d have been devastated if she’d asked someone else. If this ‘deal’ was made in secondary school and her sister is 9 years younger then ofc she probably couldn’t even picture her as an adult! Gently you are being unreasonable.

Honestly there is no difference between MOH and bridesmaid, its the SAME honor.

MOH was the American word for a Bridesmaid, in English a MOH is a nobility title. MOH and Bridesmaid in terms of weddings mean the same thing historically they are just words from different cultures.

You're losing me here, OP. I could kind of get being upset over the title, although as a married woman you can't actually be any kind of actual "maid" in the bridal party, it doesn't matter anyway. But the title, in a way, is sort of about you, I suppose, although it's actually decided by age and marital status, not chosen.

Planning and arranging, though, is absolutely about the bride and what she wants, and you really do need to check yourself if you're upset that she is "taking over" something that isn't about you. It's not a work project. She's the bride's sister, you really can't expect her not to be doing stuff if the bride wants her to! Just contact her, be available and enjoy helping in whatever capacity works best. I believe that the reason this kind of stuff traditionally falls to the bridesmaids is because it's assumed married women will have other family duties to attend to...

So what. Does it really matter? Just turn up on the day and smile.

Or maybe she wants her sister instead of a psycho friend who holds her to a promise she made as an actual child.

It is ok to feel a bit disappointed because you thought you were going to be her MOH - whatever the reasons for you thought it, and why it didn’t happen, it’s ok to have an emotional response.

What I will say though, is I’ve been a bridesmaid several times, and MOH once (for my sister, funnily enough), and I honestly didn’t notice any difference between the two? We always just all pitched in together to do the planning. Actually when I was MOH for my sister, I did defer to her best friend on multiple things because I felt she knew her better.

My sister was my MOH despite me being closer to one of my bridesmaids - it really wasn’t a snub to the bridesmaid, more a recognition that my sister is my sister!

I’d recommend asking the bride to set up a WhatsApp group for you and the other bridesmaids (has always been the first step for every wedding party I’ve been involved in) and then you’ll know you’re not being left out of any planning. Make the best of it and enjoy being there as a bridesmaid.

This. I would expect a sister to be MOH anyway.

It's the American term for chief bridesmaid; the oldest "adult" (as in, puberty and beyond, basically over flowergirl age) unmarried woman attending the bride. As a married woman, strictly speaking OP could only be a matron of honour anyway. Not that it matters!