To move pre-schools again: Third in two months?

This isn’t true!! A good early years practitioner will observe and then extend the play. Of course they play with children!

OP, give her a while to settle, but the outdoor area sounds a bit rubbish to be honest. There should be plenty to do out there, even in January. 🤨

I personally just walked out, whether she was screaming or not. My youngest was fine the minute she couldn’t see me any more.

Who says leave children crying for years? The school nursery my son attends callee me after an hour last week because he wasn't settling. They don't leave kids crying that long.

I haven't read all the replies as some are really upsetting.

I moved my DTs to a third setting. We tried for 6 weeks at the first two. One i picked as I knew others who used it, some from there would be going to the same primary, nice outdoor space. My twins just couldn't settle. I stayed for half an hour at first. Staff tried to make a bond with them. No luck. They'd ring me to collect quite quickly as they would be distraught and one vomiting repeatedly. Similar at another.

Both boys had quite significant separation anxiety. One due to reflux and anxiety, the other likely learnt from his twin but also harder to understand so maybe found it harder from that perspective?

I started them at a third pre school. They were known to be very good wirh children with separation anxiety. They met me and my children and I took a step away from my boys to demonstrate the problem. They were fantastic, explained to me the boys needed to feel safe with a key person, arranged me to come 2 pr 3 times a week. At first, a key person watched me play with my boys. Then they joined in when my boys were comfortable enough, then I sat and watched them play, then I began leaving the room. The whole process took 8 weeks. My boys then had a smooth transition to primary (not that school ironically). They are nearly 15 4 now. Well adjusted, doing really well at a grammar school. Happy to get the bus independently, stay at a friend's house overnight etc.

All this not forcing children to be uncomfortable and leave them crying for years (!?) and ignoring distress or you're weak. Urgh, no thanks.

So I'd actually say do whatever you think will work best for your daughter, build her confidence, let her have fun.

And it's nice to know someone when you start school, but maybe she could just do a day a week at the school one later if it doesnt work out for her now.

My children all did a half day a week at the primary they went to, as they did a pre school afternoon one afternoon a week from November to June for the children hoping to start in the September (small rural primary) plus a different pre school.

Ahh op I sympathise. I am a reception teacher and have been horrified by the standard of early years provision local to me. Very little outdoor play, pushing formal phonics and worksheets as young as two etc. Doing 'forest school' which turns out to be collecting a couple of leaves on the playground. For what it's worth I've just managed to get mine in to my schools nursery and it's amazing, so so glad I moved.

If you want her to go to that school id leave her but if not children are resilient, it's worth looking around at least.

I have worked in a school nursery, and in the 5 years I worked there we only had one child that never settled.

Children will take time to settle, it’s natural but as parents we expect it to be faster than it actually is. It normally takes a couple of months for a child to settle in a nursery, especially if it’s the first time away from you. It’s a new environment, lots of new children, different expectations and getting to know new adults takes a lot.

Staying with a nursery linked to school often makes the transition to reception much easier, your daughter will have children and possibly staff she’ll already have met.

Drop your daughter off, say bye and don’t watch. She will be fine and will settle, just accept it will take time.

You need to bite the bullet and leave the nursery completely. Yes there will be tears but she will get used to it.

I say this as a mum who had 2 attached kids out of 3 even though they were in daycare from a year old. Every morning until reception they cried at drop off but soon settled once I left.

You’re literally stunting your child’s development. She will be absolutely fine if you leave her to it.

Agree about forest nursery. My youngest loved it - but on reflection, keeping him in it right up until starting school really wasn't great preparation for the school environment and he had a tricky Reception year adapting to the classroom.

I think you need to give it more time, so I voted YABU. Having said that - If i could get my little into a forest school, I ABSOLUTELY would (just unsure why you didn't choose that one in the first place if you feel like it would be the best fit?!) IF you do decide to switch again, be prepared to stick to it. All this chopping and changing isnt really great for your little one. (And p.s - my little one is also sensitive and shy and at first played alone. My mumma heart was in pieces! I cried a lot in those first weeks! But they do find their way. They just need time.) Good luck! x

I have experience of parents like you making it harder. She will sense your anxiety and that's making it more difficult for her. And the fact she knows you're still hanging around outside, of course she won't settle down and play. She wants you to come in and take her.

It's OK for her to cry for a bit and then she will get over it. If you move her, I think she's just going to keep going with the crying and hope you keep her at home. Then when she starts school it will be traumatic and difficult for her. I had a little girl who cried every day for about 30 seconds, it almost was a habit - but she was so happy after the 30 seconds.

The best thing for her is to leave her to settle for a month. Can you ask staff to play with her for the first 10 minutes or quietly read a book, whatever she likes. This is what we do, to get them settled. Maybe watch what she's doing when you arrive to pick her up not when you're leaving. Give her a toy from home for comfort and maybe draw a little heart on her arm to remind her you love her and you will be back soon. Drop her like all the other children, don't draw out the anxiety of being left by hanging around. It's the worst thing you can do and I've never seen it help a child settle, just makes it so much harder for them.

She will settle and be fine soon. Going up to big school in the same environment and with ready made friends it's going to be wonderful for her rather than a huge transition if she's a sensitive child.

Thats not what child led means, and no good nursery or childminder will ignore children. It’s more about letting children set the pace. I’m going to a forest playgroup with DD this morning. I’m taking her but she’ll decide which activities she goes to. No childcare setting is any one thing: they either provide a high quality standard of care or they don’t.

@Arran2024 that isn’t how nurseries should be working. The need for constant written observation is much reduced than under a previous framework

Everyone follows the EYFS whether or not it’s a childminder or a setting. Child led means they make choices and the adult supports them not that the children are ignored!

There’s really no reason to be judgemental like this. There are pluses and minuses to every childcare option (well obviously leaving aside children who are being neglected etc) and a preschool setting has plenty of positives as does a childminder. It’s important for children who are going to be at school to have the opportunity to play with other similar aged children without adult interference. It’s lovely to interact with adults too but nothing is inherently wrong with how preschools tend to step back and have child led interactions.

The staff at this preschool probably focus on the other kids because their mums aren't hovering getting in the way? Usually by age 3 children want to play with other children, not adults. If anything they find it a bit boring 1 on 1 with an adult with no other kids around.

Preschool is preparing them for school. The children can't be expected to have constant one to one attention in reception so best to get them prepared for it.

That's why I'm so glad my DS goes to a childminder instead of a nursery. Kids need that interaction, it's a sad state of affairs that that's how it is now

I think it is harder than people like to make out it is.

My DD started nursery for three days a week when she was 12 months old. She really struggled and would cry so much and literally have to be peeled away from me. I did it, because I have to work, but it was bloody horrible leaving her crying and I can quite see that if you don’t have to it feels cruel.

I do think it’s worth ‘just leaving’ because it does help but I do really sympathise. I used to turn up to work in tears as well.

Sorry just to clarify OP but 4 weeks in are you still remaining on site when she's there? I actually think you need to properly go, otherwise she'll spend the whole time just waiting for mummy to come back.
Tbh you fairly urgently need to work on independence with her otherwise she's going to really struggle with school next year.
Before starting preschool did you talk about it all really positively and explain how she would stay and have fun with the other kids while mummy popped to get some boring jobs done? And that mummies aren't allowed to stay because it's for the children to have fun together?

It's a mistake to always be reassuring her mummy is close by /staying. Mummy can't always stay or be close by, much better that she starts to learn there are places she is safe and can be happy without mummy there?

When she starts school you'll be lucky if they let you cross the threshold of the classroom door past the first week, children don't settle when a parent is hovering

Give it time… I’d also advise that forest nursery isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Had to pull mine quite quickly. He loves being outside but not all day and in all weathers and the staff were not the best.

My daughter was peeled from my arms for the first 2 weeks of nursery at 2, put down upset for the following 4 weeks and the ran in after that. She is definitely one of those children that likes to sit back and understand what is going on before jumping in.

I sat in the car for 20-30 minutes for the first day or two and then phoned the nursery to see if she was ok after I left. Her key worker made sure to do something 1 on 1 with her for that first bit of the day off. After the first week she had breakfast there and that seemed to help as it was something consistent she had as soon as she got to nursery.

We did 6 settling in sessions over two weeks where she went from being clung to me to sitting calmly on my lap to playing next to me to me being able to sit in the reception area. I wouldn't be looking for her to be waltzing happy as can be if she started off very upset but would be looking if week on week there are glimmers of improvement.

It was a child focussed play setting but it was very orchestrated. They had a various tables of activities laid out each morning. They had a counter type thing that would spend a month as a post office or a ice cream shop or a drs surgery. I saw them respond to the children during the settling in sessions. One kid walked over to the painting station so the staff member followed, put a bib on them and asked them what colour paint they wanted. They then sat back and let them play with the paint. It was a balance between enabling the children to play how they wanted but setting up a room that gave suggestions on what play might look like and facilitating the play.

You need to step away for the whole session, multiple times, give her time. You have never left her so it will take her time to get used to interacting with other dc rather than you. The staff will be hands off, they let dc play together and it’s middle of winter so the garden is not going to be used much.

My dd was like this (she’s 21 now and just graduated uni), I moved her from her first nursery after a similar issue, I went to collect her and she was indoors crying whilst everyone else was outside playing. 2nd nursery was hard work to begin with, dd struggled with the other children and cried a lot when I left her, I stuck it out and eventually she settled. My dd was diagnosed with ASD when she was 3, socialising with children was hard for her through nursery and school. I don’t think it would have made a difference what nursery she was in or how much outside time there was, she just needed longer to settle and find her place. I would stick it out a bit longer, if you keep moving her it will only make her anxiety worse?

I think it's fine to move her again.

Without trying to being rude (sorry typing fast)

1. Does she ever play without an adult
2. Are you being a bit Precious First Born or oversupportive about her?

Asking because you say you bribe her with treats when she's sad and you hover nearby and want to ease her in super slow. These aren't the luxuries of working parents where kids just have to adapt so I'm getting the sense that you're lookong for a home from home setting rather than nursery. Which exists to some extent but maybe you need to pay extra and use less often? Or send her more ofter for shorter periods?

What experience does she have if making her own fun and playing with other littlest or baby groups?