I’m a woman in my late 30s. My parents are both around and still married. I have an older sister (married, with two children) and a younger brother who lives with my parents.
For years, I’ve been the default 'capable one' in the family - not because my siblings aren’t capable, but because it’s the 'role' I’ve been put in. If something needs doing (usually for my Mum) - banking, bills, admin, planning trips - it lands on me. In fairness, my Dad is very capable and handles a lot, but my Mum is very secretive and suspicious and wants me to handle her admin and banking. She feels that if my Dad did it, he would get access to her money (which is money he gave her throughout the marriage).
She presents as very helpless. This isn’t due to any disability or cognitive issue - she’s physically well - but she has never worked and has no interest in learning basic admin because she knows someone (usually me) will step in. She’ll say things like 'I don’t know' or 'What can I do?' or 'My English isn’t good' - often followed by tears.
I have tried setting boundaries. I’ve been clear in the past that I can’t keep doing everything. She did listen for a while, but gradually slipped back into old patterns, asking again and again until I gave in or approaching things indirectly.
A good example is that she regularly asks me to plan holidays for her and my Dad but won’t offer a single preference, idea - or opinion. If I don’t plan it, nothing happens - and then she complains about never going anywhere.
What’s really started to bother me is how instrumental the contact feels. Recently I was very unwell - and she asked how I was feeling and whether I was off sick from work (I was), but it became clear she was really checking whether I was 'available' to do admin for her. She even offered to bring me soup, but it didn’t feel genuine - it felt like a way to keep me on side so I’d help her with her admin. Turns out, my gut was correct.
At home (which I’ve now stopped visiting because it makes me anxious), she would also do things like pinch me under the table to get my attention or ask me to 'help in the kitchen,' then shut the door and use it as an opportunity to quietly complain about my Dad or extended family. She will write a complaint in her Apple Notes and then present the screen to me as if I’m supposed to look at a photo, when really she wants me to read the words quietly. I find this very uncomfortable and manipulative, and it’s damaged my trust. I do not want to be around her anymore.
My father once asked me to buy a Ring camera on Amazon since I have Prime. That was no problem. When I later asked how it was working, he said, 'Haven’t opened it yet. Will wait for you to come and set it up.' So every visit, I was expected to be 'tech support.' This time I said no, and I haven’t been to see them in just under a year. I didn’t even see them this past Christmas.
There’s also a big imbalance in the wider picture. My brother lives in the family home rent-free and will inherit it. It’s been mortgage-free for over 20 years. He is in his 30s and has the entire top floor of the house. All his cooking, cleaning, and laundry are done for him, and he has never paid a bill in his life. He is 35. He only started working a few months ago, and his income is entirely his own. My sister and her children will inherit a large chunk of money. I’ll receive the smallest share - yet I’m the one expected to do the emotional and practical labour to keep everything running.
Since I’ve reduced contact and stopped going over as much, my life has been noticeably calmer, which has made me realise how stressful that role was. But the guilt is intense when I say no, especially as I know that if I don’t step in, things simply don’t get done. I’m now continuing to step back completely from helping with admin and banking and holding those boundaries firm, but I’m struggling with the feeling that I’m being 'cruel' or abandoning them, even though I know rationally I’m just refusing an unfair role I’ve been pushed into for years.
Has anyone dealt with learned helplessness like this in a parent? How do you hold boundaries when they’re initially respected but then slowly eroded - and how do you manage the guilt when you’re the one everyone relies on by default? I fear that when my Dad goes, I’ll become the full-time caretaker for my Mum - which would be reasonable if she were genuinely incapable, but not if this is simply learned helplessness.