Partner wont live with me

He wants free sex then

It’s fine for him not to want to live with a partner again but absolutely not fine for him to ask you to buy a house closer to him! Bloody cheek!

I wouldn’t want to live with anyone but you clearly do, so this is not the man for you. Just end it and find someone you’re compatible with.

The fact you have to go his most of the time is a reason to sack him off.

Hi OP
I can understand both your POV.
I am over 50 and have a partner that I don't want to live with.

It just sounds like you’re not really compatible. I don’t blame him for not wanting to live with someone else. If anything happened to my DH I’d never live with anyone else either. If you want someone to share a home with then you probably need to call time on this relationship.

I think you've answered your own question when you said above 'Had i known it was leading to this i would not have got involved'. It's not what you want, so end it, and if you still want a relationship, look for someone you're more compatible with.

I used to say with my first husband, that in a perfect world we would buy two houses next door to each other, as that way I wouldn't have to put up with his leaving the loo seat up, lid off the toothpaste, picking up his dirty socks, etc., and he wouldn't have to worry about my leaving washing on the airer, which always annoyed him, and my other little habits, after all, we all have them, don't we? I felt it would help keep the relationship fresh, as when we were in bad moods we wouldn't have to see each other, and when we did want to see each other, I would feel more like making the effort to dress up, etc. Sadly, although the relationship did last 15 years, eventually all these little habits wore us down, and we began to irritate each other, so we went our own separate ways.

Your DP's way isn't necessarily wrong OP, but it's not for you, so end it, and move on.

If he is divorced it sounds like he has made his mind up he never wants to enter into marriage again. Living together would make you feel like a wife. If he is not willing to live with you, especially given its what you desire, then I'm sorry to say I'd be inclined to look for someone who wants the same. That is a partner who is committed enough to be with you under the same roof. Perhaps it's time to make your feelings clearer or you could end up feeling nothing but resentment in your situation.

Nah… DP and I have talk about this a lot, especially at the beginning of the relationship where we both said exactly what we wanted. He was certain that he never wanted to marry again. I said marriage was important to me, and I do hope to marry again one day. We have talked about inheritance (we both recently made new wills, but haven’t included each other currently however, we do envisage redoing them again in the future when we combine our finances and assets), and everything that living together versus marriage would entail. Within a few months, he said that maybe he was too hasty to say that he would never marry again, of his own violation. I never applied any pressure at all, hé thought about it and brought it up. We are not in a position to live together due to my DC, (I don’t want to do this to them at all!) and things are ticking over nicely, but if he hadn’t been willing to discuss our future as a couple and consider options that suited us both, I would not have continued in the relationship. We are both happy enough for the moment, but with a clear view of how we expect the relationship to develop.

Life is too short to muck about and at this point in my life, I am just not willing to compromise on what I want my future to look like.

If living together is important to you, stand up for yourself and don’t give into this emotional blackmail. Have the difficult conversations and lay your cards out. Either he will start to make some compromises to meet your needs or he won’t. Either way, you will have your answer.

YABVU to wait and see if someone better comes along. Sort this relationship first, and then decide what to do next.

So has he waited 3 years to communicate this to you?

The 80/20 seems unfair. You do all of the travelling and he gets to stay at his own home. Very cushy indeed.

You now know his hard line, and can only make a choice going forward—continue with the living apart setup or leave.

I think I’d feel the same way if DH died or left.
You want different things, don’t move your life to be near him, put yourself first, like he has.

I don’t live with DP due to circumstance-related distance. I like having my own home and space to be honest. The plan is we’ll live together one day but if he said he’d move in across the street instead I’d be fine with that!

If this is a deal breaker for you, end it. You don't string him along until you find someone "better."

Three years is a long time for this just to come out now, but the set-up itself speaks volumes. He wants it all his way, but is at least being plain about it now.

You want quite different things.

Also, and this is not mere semantics, he is not your partner. A partner is what you want and he clearly doesn't. You say you feel as if you're FWB, and that's just what it looks like. Nothing wrong with that, but you want more, so best to end it I think.

So really you'll do for the odd shag but that's it.

Aibu to now think if someone else comes along who wants more i should jump ship?

I don't think you should "jump ship". If the relationship isn't working for you leave for that reason. Hopping from one substandard relationship to the next based on expediency isn't a recipe for a good relationship or for good self-esteem.

Just end it. It's not working for you and he clearly has no interest in changing the way the relationship works.

I’d split up rather than go looking for someone to jump ship. Won’t end well if you’re searching for your next one cause your current isn’t willing to give you what you want.

My Dad (divorced from my DM for over 30 years) has lost two serious relationships due to the same reasoning as your partner, he does not want to live with someone ever again, it’s really sad but you have to respect their choices.

If you’re thing “I’ll jump ship if someone else comes along” then you need to end the relationship now, how awful for your partner.

I would never share my house with a romantic partner again. I could live with other female friends - or maybe 2 male friends who are divorced and fully self sufficient.

If it wasn’t working out I would move out without the financial and emotional upheaval.

Agree with all the PPs. I don't know whether I'd ever want to live with anyone again, I suspect not.

It doesnt make your relationship 'less', but if that's not what you want, he's not for you.

It obviously bothers you. It would bother me because the point of a relationship is sharing a life and for most people ( not all granted) this means sharing a bed and a house. If not you'd just friends with benefits. I wouldn't wait until someone else comes along. I would just leave.

I’ve been with DP for 5 years. We don’t live together. I told him in first few months I didn’t think I’d ever live with someone again. I like my space. I’m in my 40s, he is 50s. We see each other once or twice a week, and I love the evenings by myself! I’m definitely not lonely.

It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to be honest. If you're feeling lonely and he doesn't want to spend more time with you, maybe it's time to end it and look to meet someone more compatible.

Been in a LAT relationship for around 15/16 years now. My partner made it clear from the start that she wouldn't live with me nor marry me. If that was a problem for me then best not to start. We are both now in our 70s.

Suited me fine. It's lovely - more like dating. We see each other a couple of times a week and go on holiday together. And the rest of the time we do our own things. Check in every couple of days either by text or phone

Agree with PP about not moving closer to him without good reason. But do think you are unreasonable with the "until someone better comes along" line and about what a real relationship has to be like

I should think by 51, people are entitled to not want to cohabit.