Partner wont live with me

No, it isn't, that's bollocks. Love comes in all shapes and sizes and it's not less valid for not wanting to cohabit. That's just a self-centred judgement you're placing on the quality of other people's love, which you have no right to do and no evidence to support. It's your subjective opinion - not an objectively true fact.

Oh come on

Eta: OK cohabitation isn't for everyone, that's fair, but the 'love' is absolutely of a different quality entirely.

OP have you ended this relationship yet? If not, why not?

You know now though, read up on the sunk cost fallacy. You don’t have to stay with him just because you’ve been with him for three years. Three nights a month isn’t even really a boyfriend never mind a partner.

Many people do this successfully as they age, but it is an equal arrangement, which the OP's is not.
She is doing all the running and accommodating.
She needs to value herself more because he doesn't.

I'm in a similar relationship due to circumstances and I would definitely call it a partnership we are completely monogamous committed to each other and so on however we don't live together.

We spend time dating in the week so we meet in the middle for cinema Theatre gigs meals out etc then at the weekend I go over to his flat because he lives alone and I live with my children and we have a really lovely time he cooks and generally looks after me and I don't have to lift a finger.

So for me this is Perfection to be honest because I don't have to put up with any annoying habits he may have, we are always pleased to see each other when we meet up and have lots to talk about.

However if it's not for you then I would call an end to it and look for someone else who is on the same page as you are

Living apart would work well for me, but what can you possibly do in an hour?

Why are you travelling 80% of the time?

For me, it sounds like the time you do spend together isn't satisfying; so for that alone I'd end the relationship.

I am younger than you but I don’t want to live with anyone either.

I like my space and I don’t want have to risk giving up my home if things go wrong.

And so I can completely see his POV and I hope to meet someone like him.

But I can also completely see your POV.

Neither of you are wrong, you just want different things and aren’t compatible.

I would end the relationship because neither of you are going to change your minds and you will just build resentment.

Wow - I voted YABU but on reading your update this is barely a relationship is it? An hour or so most days, 2-3 sleepovers a month. Yes, I'd cut my losses. Better to be lonely for a while and have the possibility of a real relationship than in this less than half situation.

I would definitely break it off, certainly not buy a house near him and go looking for someone who wants to live with you.

Must admit, if my relationship goes tits up, there is no way I’ll ever live with anyone else.

It's hugely disappointing he has waited 3 years to tell you this, but given how little time you spend together, I'd say it's time to cut your losses. An hour a day isn't a relationship.

You're only in your 50s. Time to find someone more compatible.

Do you want to jump ship for other reasons OP?

That’s your preference. We’re talking about the OP here, who has said that she has welcomed him into her home, that he won’t come, and that all of the driving to facilitate meet-ups is on her.

I stand by my 🚩comment, as this post is about @Foxylady210 .

Yeah

im not really convinced this is a proper relationship in his mind.

you’ve got to move on. You can do worse, but also a lot better id guess

The driving to and fro may or may not be a red flag. Personally I find hosting and cooking an effort and would be very happy to go to someone else's house, leaving my own house entirely my own space.
I don't think this chap deserves to be flayed. They just want different things.

I think neither are being unreasonable here…

but really you’re going to want different things it seems. So maybe that is that.

I think the crux is that he waited 3 years to tell OP this. Fair enough if you’re transparent from the outset, but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.

And the refusal to go to OP’s house—she must make the majority of the effort and do the majority of the driving/to-ing and fro-ing is a 🚩.

I think it's a bit odd to say he is using her for companionship and sex.
Women want companionship and sex too?
The issue here is she wants more companionship than him. So they are incompatible.
I would so much rather this arrangement than a cock lodger, but different strokes for different folks.

So what exactly do you call a person you have been in a relationship with with 5-10+ years and you are in your late 40s or older? Boyfriend doesn't really fit

Im like him op.
Nothing in this world could make me live with anyone again ever.
I will not give up my peace, my space, or my peace of mind or share my home again.
I did it once and and lost a lot,13 years on im still single by choice.
If i was to meet anyone, no way would i live with them not on your nelly am i going through that crap again.

My home is my safe place my zone its all mine no mess dont have to cook no idle conversations, just me in heavenly tranquility bliss.
Im the only one on my paper work my tenancy and everything else, just me and its staying that way.

Are you currently living with him though? If so your post is very funny 🤣. If not, then calling him ‘partner’, if you’ve been together a long while and don’t live together, is a stretch!

Neither of you are unreasonable and I completely get where he’s coming from. I do sometimes wonder whether some relationships would be more successful if the people involved lived apart - sometimes you’re compatible but just can’t live together.

I have to say it wouldn’t bother me if everything else was fine.

It’s odd!

I get it though. If I ever divorced I wouldn’t want to live with anyone again.

It’s odd because he wants everything from the relationship except building a life together. You’re basically his going-out friend for company and sex.