Partner wont live with me

My FIL and his partner lived separately and were together for over 20 years. They had both been married before and had adult children, neither wanted to remarry and make things complicated for their offspring. It worked very well for them but they were both on the same page about the amount of contact they had, plus they lived in the same village - they could see each other's houses from where each lived. So they got to spend time together frequently because they lived close by.

But you're not on the same page, you both want different things. You say that you wouldn't have got into the relationship if you'd known beforehand, that's your cue to end this as it's not working for you. Time to call a halt and look for someone who wants the same thing you do.

Dump him. No point hoping someone else comes along, you’ve got to put yourself out there.

Don't be made to feel bad for feeling lonely in this relationship OP. It's normal to feel lonely if you would choose to be sharing the evening with your partner and they choose not to, no matter how many other friends and plans you have. It's not unhealthy to want a cohabiting partner, and he should absolutely have made it clear from the start if that wasn't an option. At some point most people expect that kind of progression within a relationship. There are a lot of avoidant people whose main relationship is with themselves. They need a lot of space for that and although it's not unreasonable of them to be that way the impact on you is that you'll always be made to feel like a bit on the side.

A "mature and considered" love is a different quality of love. I fully appreciate people who have had busy family lives or spent a lifetime compromising for the benefit of an other they are no longer with and that they can have a very satisfying and fulfilling relationship with someone they don't live with. But ultimately, love is about sacrifice in my opinion. I think this actually matters more in old age when people are in or approach their twilight.

The sort of people who bristle at what I said make the same arguments as those who insist polycules are healthy setups.

You can't possibly judge the quality of someone else's love either - nobody can. So this is all moot isn't it?

I actually agree with this and in fact it's probably a more mature and considered love when it gets to this point.

Perhaps you've got to be older to understand. I'm not sure how old the previous poster is.

For you, perhaps.

But everyone is different. You can’t possibly judge the ‘quality’ of anyone else’s love based on whether they live together. You might need proximity to feel that love, and that’s fine. But plenty of people simply don’t, and it doesn’t mean they love each other any differently.

Yes they are valid. But they're not exactly bonded! You can tell me I'm wrong but I don't care, you're not going to change my mind, and I have a right to express my opinion

Surely when you ‘get involved’ with someone you aren’t doing it with the expectation that you’ll move in with them? It’s not like you go on date and decide whether to have a second one based on a conversation about living together.

If you only want a relationship if it’s a cohabiting one, and he can’t provide that, of course YANBU to end the relationship. But YABU to think he’s done anything wrong by preferring to live alone.

I wouldn’t want to live with anyone either (widow, last kid at uni). But what stands out to me is you saying ‘I feel lonely in this relationship’. One can have a great relationship but not live together, but this doesn’t sound like a great relationship. If he can’t give more of himself and that’s what you want/need, then perhaps it is time to move on.

your opinion is a general statement if you truly loved someone, you want to fall asleep with and wake up with them.

that's just you though

Other people are merely pointing out that there's no right or wrong, no "truly loving someone" way of doing thing, it's entirely individual. Living together or not living together are perfectly valid option, both people need to agree , nothing else.

if he lied and made you believe you were going to move together, walk away.

If that never really came up, it's not impossible he didn't really think about it but after 3 years, realised cohabitating is not for me.

He wants me to buy a house near to him, but nit with him why doesn't HE buy a house near you?

every night he sits alone in his home, me in mine
if you are lonely, you are BU not to do something about it - you don't need a partner to spend your evenings not feeling lonely. It's up to you to create your own life.

If you meet a partner who is busy - with sports/ clubs/ volunteering/ and has plans most evenings, what are you planning on doing? Ask him to give up on his life? That's not fair and not healthy/

It sounds like this isn’t going to work with you. You should say I’ve been thinking, thank you for the good times we’ve had and I suppose your eventual honesty about where we are going but a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to live with me isn’t going to work for me.

And some people say they truly love someone while having sex with others. I'm entitled to express my opinion on that, your opinion is no more legitimate than mine

You are likewise only qualified to speak for yourself 😂

He's not being unreasonable. Neither are you, but it's now for you to decide whether it's a dealbreaker.

Untrue.

If YOU truly love somebody YOU want to fall asleep with them. This is not true for everybody else.

Some people don’t even share beds with cohabiting partners despite truly loving them.
You are speaking for others when you are only qualified to speak for yourself.

And it’s not a “judgement” to say that there is no one specific way to show true love.

Untrue.

Yes it would be unkind on a thread where the poster believes that they are in a mutually satisfying relationship. But I was responding to a comment which appeared somewhat gaslighting to the OP who is obviously not satisfied with the relationship. Absolutely plenty of couples who cohabit can be very dysfunctional and unloving. But if you truly loved someone, you want to fall asleep with and wake up with them. I don't believe the love where someone doesn't want that level of intimacy is the same as a couple who want that mutual commitment. And I'm allowed to have that opinion

Eta: you have judged that it's the same thing. It is a judgement

I'm saying: you can't judge other people's love by cohabiting.

You're saying: yes you can

But then you're adding on: and it means the love is less than.

So we're not on the same page - the first issue is whether or not you can judge and the second one is you making assumptions about the depth of other people's emotions. Which is stupid and fairly unkind if we're being honest.

If you are not happy, then it's better to end now than wait to find someone else.

Sounds like he is happy having his own place and independence, nothing wrong with that either, but if you want different things, it's never going to work long term.

But you have, it's just different to mine

I didn't say you didn't and I didn't say it was. But I also didn't make a judgment on the value of other people's love. That was the point - missed... obviously.

😂 well yeah, nor is your opinion an objectively true fact either! And I have just as much right to an opinion as you do.

Then break off the relationship and move on. You are not compatible. He has made it clear he doesn't want to compromise so why should you.