To not want to change my surname?

56 replies

pussyinboots743 · 12/01/2026 16:29

I’m getting married soon (It’s my third) and on my first marriage I changed my surname to be that of my husband’s (I was 19) but didn’t for the second. I’ve kept my first husband’s surname to this day as we have two DC and I like having the same surname as them. My fiancé wants to me change it to his own name as he feels like having my first DH’s surname is weird and as if I was with another man. He says the DC are adults now and that it shouldn’t matter about their surnames. But frankly I don’t want to change it as I’ve had it for 30 years now. This is causing friction between us. Am I being unreasonable here?

OP posts:

JHound · 12/01/2026 16:35

I think your husband is weird for wanting to brand you with his name. You have had your name for years now so it is your name.

Arlanymor · 12/01/2026 16:35

Your name, your choice, that simple.

Everydayimhuffling · 12/01/2026 16:35

It doesn't matter where it came from. It's yours now and has been for 30 years. You've had a whole other marriage in between, so it's obviously not connected to your first DH for you. He's being ridiculous.

flipent · 12/01/2026 16:34

My fiancé wants to me change it to his own name as he feels like having my first DH’s surname is weird and as if I was with another man.

Strange logic - surely your maiden name came from your father! Is your fiancé prepared to change his name?

YANBU. But I also find the patriarchal surname tradition we have to be a little grim.

Regardless of their age, I completely understand you wanting to share a surname with your kids.

Academicallyminded · 12/01/2026 16:33

Also, ofcourse YANBU! I think the idea of changing names is outmoded nonsense designed to further patriarchy. The fact that he wants you to change your name (even if it wasn't yours originally, it is what you have made your own over 30 years!) would be a huge red flag to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/01/2026 16:31

Of course YANBU.

Unflip

1 2 3