To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

I'm with mum. I would much prefer a party where I can have a couple of drinks and the spotlight isn't on me, rather than I sit down meal which can feel quite intense sat opposite each other having to make polite conversation.

As a dad, would it be the very first thing you asked? To see a photo?

God the first thing I say to my adult daughter when she has a new bloke she’s told me about is ‘ let’s see a photo then so I can thoroughly assess him.’

Didn’t realise I should be very sensible and serious and po faced about it all. 🤣

on the face of your op, you’ve done nothing wrong and he sounds irritating. Of course if there’s some back story then that’s a different matter

It might just be me (and OP’s DH) but I think it’s perfectly normal to want to see a photo of someone your family/friend is in a relationship with.

If any of my friends are going on a date or have met someone it’s all “Omg show me a pic of them!” Sam with my family members, we all like to see pics of new people.

Based on his unexpected reaction

OMG...nothing wrong in saying she could come to a party, you could've been accused of being uninterested or unwelcoming if you hadn't...why is everyone so touchy?? He thought it was too soon, fine don't pass the invite on..it wasn't like you asked her directly & overstepped

Because it is weird. I find it weird to want to know what somebody’s partner looks like. It has no relevance to anything.

I don’t see why thinking that is “typical of MN”.

Why is it gross? I always ask to see pictures. Doesnt’t necessarily sound particularly gross unless he did it in a Percy/suggestive way

Why is it weird. Sounds like he was taking an interest and why would DS be pissed off that he asked to see one before asking what she did for a living ? Had ‘what does she do’ been the first question DS probably would have found fault with that too. Being curious in this situation it’s natural. That posters here are putting a weird or pervy spin on it is typical of MN.

You don't sound at all pushy.
It's very normal these days, with everyone taking mobile selfies, to say giz a gleg then, when informed about a new romance.
It's equally normal for someone to feel that being thrown into a family party might be a bit overwhelming.
His anger is not normal - particularly as he has continued to express anger.
Might he be particularly smitten and unusuallyprotective over this girl/woman?
I just wouldn't mention her again, unless he chooses to talk about her.

Tell him to get a fucking grip, it was an invitation not a bloody summons. You're allowed to make suggestions and he is perfectly free to consider them or not.

Why? One of my first questions about a new BF/GF would be what do they look like? What do they do? In the olden days there would have been a verbal description. Now we have these things called cameras to help.

Letting him know she's welcome at the party is a nice thing to do, I can see why you would feel shocked at his reaction when you were just trying to be welcoming of her.

Maybe there's some context you're not aware of behind his response, like his GF has just come out of a long term relationship and has said she wants to take things slow, so he's trying to respect that. Or maybe she struggles with anxiety and he knows this event would be way too much for her. Or maybe he's not sure about the relationship himself so doesn't feel confident about introducing her. It's a bit unfair for him to assume you're aware of this context though, he could have been politer in his response. If the response is out of character maybe you caught him on a bad day!

I do think it's nice he felt he could tell you he was annoyed by the suggestion - it's really positive he can share how he feels with you, even when the feelings are negative, rather than keeping them to himself and stewing on them! I tread on eggshells and worry about hurting my parents feelings, and it definitely affects how open and honest I feel I can be with them and definitely causes resentment.

Based on what ?

There’s no right or wrong when it comes to feelings. People are where they are.
Whatever the reason for his response, the worst thing you can do is have a go at him for it or demand that he explain it.

If you haven’t yet responded to his message, go back with something like “I’m sorry if I upset you, I didn’t intend to make you uncomfortable. We’ll be happy to meet her whenever that time comes.”

And leave it there. Talk with him about other things (his job, hobbies, whatever) and leave it for him to mention her again.

OP didn't say that it was the first thing he asked. Just that he asked about the picture before he asked what she did for a living.
And as I said up thread, lots of people would be irritated by a first question being "what does she do for a living?" as if they're checking out whether she's worthy.

It seems far more complicated and stressful than when I last did it in the late 1980’s, that’s for sure.

I wouldn’t worry op, the younger generation have a weird take on dating imo.

You asked, he declined. That should have been the end of it. You DS should wind his neck in. DH asked to see a picture. Why is that so bad, was he asking for a nudes or something?
Your son comes across as very uptight. Maybe thats why his previous relationships ended, rather than his family taking an interest in his life

Maybe you've got past form for pushing to see his GF (in his eyes) so he's resisting. If it was me I'd just whatsapp and say "Sorry you feel I picked the wrong time, it was only a suggestion. I'll be delighted to meet her whenever you feel is best" and leave it at that. Kids can be touchy :)

Yeah, me too.

@HellyTheEllyphant I think it depends how you "suggested" inviting her.

Did you say:
"Oh, that's nice, why don't you bring her to big party and everyone can meet her?"
Or was it more like:
"Oh that's nice, do you think she'd like to come to big party?"

You shouldn't really have to tiptoe round a grown man like that, but, if he's feeling sensitive / there's history of you being "pushy", maybe that triggered him?

I think you can only apologise and reiterate that any guest he wants to invite is welcome but there's no expectation.

FWIW I met my partner's extended family that way (their family Christmas do is seen as a bit of a rite of passage), and it was fine. But (a) his family are very nice people and (b) I probably met his immediate family (daughters and grandchildren) separately first.

Nailed it. H's reaction ? - vomit emoji needed.

Not the very first question I ask my daughter…. You have a boyfriend? Show me a pic!

oh come on, we all ask to see a picture when someone says they are seeing someone new.

I would assume your DH's inappropriate interest in her looks could very well have something to do with your DS being upset about his new g/f being invited to his father's birthday party. Perhaps he wonders if she wasn't
absolutely stunning
whether she would have been asked .