To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

People are being very judgemental. Ok,maybe a family gathering not the best time to meet the new GF,but frankly OP hasn't. done anything wrong in suggesting it. Her DS could just refuse without making such a drama. And the father being called gross for asking to see photo is huge overreaction
He is of a generation where life was simpler and people didn't always watch what they said. Maybe slightly inappropriate but nothing else.

No I'd say them all, to someone I had a close relationship with. Generally people like to talk about someone they are falling for!
i think your questioning style sounds more like a therapist speaking than a mum.

@GoodVibesHere

"Agreed!! When my adult DD told me she's got a boyfriend, my first thoughts were oooh, how did you meet, what's he like, where does he live, what's his name and let's see a pic. What's wrong with that? It's just nice to have that connection, and seeing a photo means that you feel more part of your child's lives. It is perfectly normal."

I dunno. I think it's a bit strange for a man to ask to see a picture of his son's new girlfriend without any other context. He hadn't asked anything about her (and it doesn't sound as if he was going to). He just wanted to see her photo.

If you hadn't asked anything about her, or invited her to the party, that would probably have been wrong too.
I can't see that the OP has done anything wrong. Her ds needs to get a grip of himself

Three adult kids
Two met partners through work. One met partner during covid. Wider family live 300 miles away. Pictures easily accessible on LinkedIn.
All three were first introduced to wider family at weddings...one had been officially a partner for 10 weeks!

Whilst those might easily be one's first thoughts, surely you don't come out and voice them all? Apart from "that sounds great, darling", don't you just wait and see how much they want to tell you? Or a nice, open "So, would you like to tell me a bit about him?".
Always take the lead from the other person, surely?

"Also, it smacks a bit of judging someone on their appearance - I think "what's their job?" is always going to be a better question than "what do they look like?"."

Cost it's fine to judge someone on their social standing...

A photo isn't necessarily to judge someone on their looks, it's so you can picture them in your head.

Sorry but I think a dad asking to see a picture of his son's new girlfriend definitely gives strange vibes. He hadn't met her and knew nothing about her, so to ask to see a photo in that context is weird and creepy.

He’s within his rights to say no to bringing her to the party. He can tell his dad it’s weird for asking to see a photo of his girlfriend. He’s unreasonable to go on about it. I’d tell him to shut up.

I'm fascinated by this "ask to see a picture" thing, because it would never occur to me to ask. I think I'm one of the few people left on the planet who thinks photos are very personal and private. (Also, I have never taken a selfie, and would never put my face on social media).
A friend recently had a new partner and, whilst I listened to a lot of talk about him, and asked a few discreet questions, I've no idea what he looked like. My view is that if she'd wanted me to see, she would have shown me.
Also, it smacks a bit of judging someone on their appearance - I think "what's their job?" is always going to be a better question than "what do they look like?".

It's not that great to be mainly bothered about someone's job either.

I would assume your DH's inappropriate interest in her looks could very well have something to do with your DS being upset about his new g/f being invited to his father's birthday party. Perhaps he wonders if she wasn't
absolutely stunning
whether she would have been asked .

It was OP who said she was stunning. Was she judging her on her looks?

We don't know what dh said or whether it was inappropriate.

Again, OP didn't say that it was the first thing he asked. Just that it preceded 'what does she do?'

Well, if I was the young woman in question, I definitely wouldn't want to meet my partner's entire family at a big birthday party - talk about pressure! Especially after such a short period of time.
Why can't they just pop in for a coffee sometime? And only if they wish, of course.
Also, OP, bear in mind that lots of people don't "meet the family" until the wedding stage, several years in.
Just back off and let this couple get on with their lives without interference.

I'd be raging if I didn't get a puppy/kitten picture.

I was still living at home when I first met DH and my mum gave him his own key without asking me 😂 so I think this is fine.

Seriously though, I wouldn’t worry OP, sometimes people just get touchy unexpectedly. Don’t think about it anymore.

No you're not - anyone saying they had a new partner/ car/ dog would be asked to send a pic for me.
Nothing gross about it, just a way of visualising what/who they're talking about.

Yeah, sorry I’m failing to see how that’s odd.

Completely normal in my circles. I do it myself.

I think you apologised- thats all you can do.
Re party - i was introduced to DH family at a birthday party - it was totally too much and overwhelming.

Re dad asking to see a picture and asking about occupation- thats just normal small talk isn't it. Ignore the trolls suggesting your H was being pervy

Tbh I think there's a couple of posters on here that are a bit unusual in their extemely thin-skinned, oversensitive views, that have set a tone.

WTF?! That's so rude and unnecessary.

You… Dad, I’ve got a new girlfriend
Dad…. Show us a photo

no… how did you meet, what does she do? Is it serious? Just… let’s take a look at her

I asked to see what my son's new girlfriend looked like once I knew they were officially a couple and before I started quizzing him on their origin story etc. Does that make me gross?🙄

I didn't realise there was a 'right' order to ask questions!

I’m not a dad. But if my dad asked to see a photo of my new partner I wouldn’t bat an eyelid. I’d show their whole Facebook profile to my family.

I mean you both sound quite dramatic, tbh. Him with his 'and another thing' message. You being 'shocked' at his reaction.

Perhaps you are feeling this more because your bright and breezy '"feel free to bring" came off the back of a whole scenario you had already constructed (in your head): "I suggested to DS he brings his new GF, she could meet his brother and all the wider family in a very casual environment where there would be very little attention on her, I thought this would be ideal, it is also close enough to home for DS and her that if they felt uncomfortable or overwhelmed it would be easy to leave early with no fuss. DS has had 2 long term relationships before this one and in both cases we met the girl within about 2-3 months of their first date, so I didn't anticipate him viewing it as too soon.'

That's a lot of overthinking there. Perhaps your DS is prone to the same?