To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

I got together with DH in September and had Christmas with his family - and I'd already had coffee out and dinner with his parents.

When the invitation for Christmas was extended, he presumably said "thanks she'll be there", otherwise he'd have said "thanks but she has plans". On no planet would it have been appropriate for him to rudely berate his own mother, especially not as adult man - the moody, oversensitive teen phase should be long in the rear view mirror.

You and your husband were not the least bit unreasonable.
He is feeling very insecure and touchy.
He is keen and she may be less so.

No need for his lecturing message, but let him off.
Ask nothing more, give him his space.

So your DH is an old perve 🤮

I have so many questions. Is it all a horrible and traumatic episode you would rather not discuss or are you open to an AMA?

I agree with pp that it would be odder not to issue a casual invitation now you know she’s on the scene.

I took my then boyfriend now husband to my mum's 60th birthday party when we'd been going out the same length of time. A good time was had by all, everyone got shitfaced and we all pointed and laughed at his hangover the next morning. Horses for courses innit.

I’d be the same. If I see a group photo of teen DS and friends I ask who’s who. I was looking at photos of a friend’s DD’s new boyfriend recently…my friend was showing me the pics. Sounds normal unless DH has form for being lecherous? Also normal to ask what someone does.

I do think it’s a bit soon to meet the whole family at once.

So if wrong for a man to ask to see a photo of son's girlfriend, is it wrong for a mum to ask to see a photo of a boyfriend

Maybe it's a bit early on for a family party.

Not 'gross' at all to ask to see a photo ,good grief 🙄

And btw I was introduced to dh’s extended family at a party, just a couple of months in to our relationship, I was 24 so still quite young but it didn’t faze me at all.

MN is very weird atm.

When was asking to see someone's picture gross ?

Your son's being very touchy. Declining the invite and moving right on was all that was needed. Is he always this sensitive? Maybe he's a mumsnetter.

Exactly! I recently asked my nephew if I could see a picture of his GF, I didn't think I'd be labeled as gross just to put a face on a name.

I mean, I also ask people to show me a picture of their dog / cat / kitchen / monstera plants, so I must have seriously weird kinks.

You’ve done nothing wrong at all! People losing their minds here! Made a casual invite to a family party…..son said perhaps not and you left it there! And I’ve always asked to see photos of my kids new boyfriends/girlfriends….. as has my husband! Face to a name as an pp has said and we’re hardly perving over them. I’m interested and also interested in what they do so have asked that question also…... Jesus, some people are weird!

Bloody hell, it sounds like you’ve had a roasting OP from both your son and the vocal minority on MN.
FWIW I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all. Some people just love to be offended it seems.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with extending the invitation to the party - I'm inclined to agree, the attention won't be on her and it would be far less intense than a meal, which can feel like an interrogation when 'meeting the family'.
But equally, it is up to him if he feels it is right for them, as a couple.

Seems odd to not just leave it at that though, and to make a big thing out of it.

I don't understand the over reaction to someone asking to see a photo. I'd like to see a photo of anyone in any of my dcs' lives they are talking about, so I can visualise them. Happens quite a lot if one of my dc is talking about someone they went to school with, or played football with and I can't remember them, a quick look at a picture helps. Same with if they have told us they are seeing someone - it's nice to be able to visualise them when they get mentioned. There's nothing gross about it, and nothing sexual about it. Some of you have very weird ways of thinking.

OP, while I think it's perfectly normal to want to see a picture of a new GF (or a new pet!) the way you said that it was shallow of her DH does rather give the impression that it was done in a way that wasn't simply about putting a face to an important person in DS's life, but was asked with the implication, even if made in a joking way, that this is what was most important about her. So you might want to think about whether you have some generational value and communication differences that are driving a wedge. I think younger people today use humour to communicate nuance or to test the ground a lot less and are more primed to find it offensive than to recognise it as an attempt to traverse unsteady ground.

However, he also sounds extremely touchy about it. I think there are two main possibilities and it might be a bit of a mixture of both. One - you've come across as a bit pushy or judgy in the past, and though DS acquiesced then, he didn't like it (since she has a home country, part of which may also be a heightened concern about you saying something he would considered inappropriate - because ideas about what is and isn't appropriate around race and ethnicity have changed a bit and younger generations seem to be primed to find their elders inept in this regard). And two - the GF is more important to him or he is less sure of their relationship or some other version of "don't want to introduce another factor yet."

Personally I think you're right about the party being an ideal time to introduce a GF. There will be no focus on her, he can mainly let her shine while talking to the small band of people his own age who will be there, so not too overwhelming, lots of good vibes, etc. But I see that several people on this thread disagree (though at a loss about why they'd see it as pressured - it's an event about someone else entirely).

In any case, you sound like a loving parent who just wants to be supportive and welcoming to whoever DS thinks of as important in his life. Just give him a bit of time.

None of us know the dad.

The DS does know his dad and he didn’t like that his father seems to have asked from the outset to see a photo of his girlfriend.

So the fact that DS was not happy about it might just indicate his dad’s intentions weren’t as pure as the driven snow

Also your son is two years younger than me… neither you nor dad have done anything wrong or weird in this interaction. He’s just clearly smitten and terrified of scaring her off.

Op the reaction from your son sounds OTT but fair enough if he'd prefer to introduce his girlfriend at a more quiet dinner. Maybe he read into his dad asking for a picture and got the wrong end of the stick, maybe not.

Well yeah it’s his sons girlfriend… he didn’t ask to see her arse just her face. That’s a normal thing to do.

Just text back ‘Chillax mate, I made a suggestion I didn’t try to interrogate her at gunpoint.’

Posters wouldn't be saying it was weird or gross coming from op herself, it's the idea of a man asking to see a picture of a young woman to see what she looks like.

I think maybe your DS has over- reacted but at the same time your DH's 60th sounds overwhelming.
The idea of a small meal out or maybe even a take-away at yours sounds like an easier more comfortable way to be introduced first.
I do feel though now DS has told you about his GF, not inviting her to the party might seem a bit odd!
I don't see a problem at all with you DH asking to see a photo personally, but I'm not your DS.

It’s not gross, probably just curious! But yes could have asked about her first - lol!

Leave the poor bloke alone. No wonder he’s pissed off.
He’ll introduce her in his own way, when and if he wants to. He’s not fifteen years old.