To be shocked at DS's reaction to my suggestion he brings new GF to family party

So you also are prone to bemoaning “what the world is coming to”? And harping on about the “good ‘ol days”

Oh my, I´m 51 and agree with her, and as I don´t vote in the UK you wouldn´t guess who I vote for.

Now imagine @SoManyDandelions

Friend: my DD has a boyfriend
First question you ask: show me a photo of him!

I find it odd that so many people are horrified by the photo request?

My friend was telling me about her DD's boyfriend. I asked if she had a pic. I thought I was just showing interest 🤣 I wasn't trying to judge if the boy was 'fit enough' or wanting to perv on him. I said something like 'ahh they look very happy together' and that was it!

My first thoughts were there is a possibility she is not as serious about the relationship as he appears. If this is the case he would know not to ask her as it would likely get a refusal. This sounds like transferred anger.

Perfectly reasonable to ask to see a picture of someone 🙄
Maybe he really is quite keen on this lady and hence gets a bit worked up about any pressures? Who knows

All of this. The dad is so out of order.

From what you've actually said, yeah, massive overreaction from him. If he had turned up and everyone else brought partners he might have been equally annoyed he wasn't given the option!

However as pps have pointed out, there are some hints that suggest perhaps he (fairly or not) has some concerns about ways his family have interacted with girlfriends in the past.

Either way I can't see any benefit in discussing it with him further. I'd probably go back with something like "I'm not sure why you're annoyed, it was just a suggestion. It's fine if you think it's not suitable, I look forward to seeing you anyway and then meeting her whenever you both feel comfortable."

Would I correct in thinking you’re closer to 70 than 50?

and I reckon I could guess the party you vote for!

Yeah I've got to be honest. I met all of DH family at his sister's birthday meal. Not just his parents but grandparents, uncles,aunts and cousins and I hated it. I'm quite shy but felt pressured to go
At least I got it over and done with all at once but it wasn't enjoyable at all.
It does seem a bit odd he's going on and on about it though. I wouldn't respond to any messages and if he says anything just say yes I know you don't want to bring her.

I don't see anything wrong in what you said or what your husband did. It was an 'if you like' invitation rather than a demand and I ask to see my nieces and nephews girlfriend pics. He overreacted.

I can't believe the responses on here @HellyTheEllyphant .
What on earth is wrong with you people. FFS grow up. It's no wonder the world is in the state it's in with this sort of mortally offended behaviour about a straightforward normal human interaction.
He's 28 for goodness sake not a shy and easily embarrassed 15 year old with his first girlfriend.

If you just sent the text and he said no without any other follow up from you his reaction seems quite over the top and controlling. You are allowed to ask, he is allowed to say no. If you followed up and tried to persuade him then YWBU.

I also respectfully disagree about the picture request unless dad is usually a dirty old pervert.

In my circles if someone brings up a significant new addition (girlfriend/ boyfriend, pet, etc) then it's normal for them to show a picture as part of the conversation or to be asked if they have one. It feels more personal seeing them than just hearing words.

Your DS is being very touchy over this - I think he either he really really likes her and is worried it’s going to go wrong or he isn’t that keen. My DD (similar age) has recently started seeing someone new and I immediately said show us a picture then …..(and questions like what is he like, what does he do etc) 😂

Another thread where I feel like I live in a parallel universe to most of mumsnet.
Inviting the person your child is in a relationship with to a family party is totally normal as long as it’s fine if they chose to decline. Asking questions about that person and asking to see a photo is also a totally normal interest to show in your child and their life. If they ignored her existence, would that be better?

Did you invite just the once in a short sentence or did you go on about her coming to the party, it will be great, there will be this person that person, you'll do this, it'll be that
..etc etc acting like it was a done deal?

And, do you have a history of this?

I ask because on the face of it he's had a batcrap crazy reaction to the question "would you like to bring X to the party"

And yes, your husband's instant show me the picture reaction is a bit grim.

Leave it to him, she is his girlfriend, no your relative yet. If he thinks is early is because is early.

Why’s that gross?

Fucking hell, that’s quite a leap!

Just tell the little shit to grow up, act his age and get over himself!

I also think a big family party isn't necessarily the right occasion to introduce a new girlfriend - he'd probably like you to meet her in a more intimate setting so you can chat over dinner and get to know her. But his reaction is a bit OTT and there's no reason for him to be annoyed, he can just say no thanks and we'll have dinner sometime soon instead. Unless there's some big back story or he's normally quite touchy, I'd have been taken aback at his reaction too!

I think “ooh have you got a picture” has been the first question I’ve asked all my friends and families who have a new significant other. Not so I can leer over them or assess their attractiveness, it just makes them seem more real in my mind, puts a face to the name and helps me contextualise follow up questions like what do they do (which is arguably just as shallow, as what does their chosen job say about them other than their earning potential/class/education level…)

He was also annoyed that his dad asked to see a picture of her before asking what she does etc. which while I appreciate was a shallow response from DH, I don't think it is that bad! And she is absolutely stunning so no reason DS wouldn't want to share (not that it would matter if she wasn't as long as he is happy).

I didn't think you were UR until I got to this part. This is weird and the way it is presented sounds exactly like she was being assessed on looks and status. Which would probably explain why he doesn't want to bring her to the party.

Ask him exactly what is bothering him and try to see his perspective.

The first time I met my now-husband’s family was a big family gathering - I hadn’t met any of them before (not even his parents or siblings) and everyone was there (genuinely the next time I saw some of them was 6 years later at our wedding). At one point one of his uncles thought it’d be “fun” to test me on everyone’s names. Luckily I’m the kind of person who can handle something like that, but I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone.

Anyway, there was nothing wrong with you suggesting it, and nothing wrong with him turning it down, but for him to keep going on about it does sound a bit unusual, and like it’s touched a nerve for some reason.