Post partum rage or am I just a dick?

Oh I have read updates
I am not surprised you rage at Him

This
OP, it sounds like what they called Postpartum Psychosis (in 1993 it definitely was called this) It was explained to Me, as I had it, its the severe form of Post Natal Depression . I realised I also had Pre Natal Depression as well at one point
Please see the Doctor as it sounds you are at least aware of your issues and if they are out of the normal range for You, these anger issues, I would definitely say PND
It will get better, OP, but it will take time .
Best of Luck love.

Then I’d say your feelings towards your partner are the problem (well no he’s the problem). You probably haven’t forgiven him for hurting you and the fact he’s not doing a great deal is making you resent him even more. Did you stay with him for the baby or do you genuinely want to be with him?

I experienced rage after having my twins. Never suffered with it before and it completely consumes you. You are not being a dick. This is not simple anger it is totally different. I was actually given a low dose antidepressant and had some counselling, which did mute it slightly. At around 10-11 months it vanished and I finally felt like myself again.

A lot of it may stem from unmet needs and your nervous system being overstimulated so please try and make time for yourself.

What your partner has done is completely unacceptable. You need to make the choice on whether you want to forgive him before you can start working on yourself.

Please don't feel like you are choosing to feel and react this way because it is not a choice.
Sending hugs

In many ways, I think you've just arrived at possibly the most exhausting stage. The early months and the passive newborn stage are well and truly over, the excitement and the adrenaline are spent, and life is becoming more and more complicated. Plus there are these shocks caused by your husband. You have my entire sympathies.

My kids are in their teens now and family life is unbelievably easy by comparison (they cook, they clean, they're funny and great company and very independent). So there is that to look forward to.

But the truth is that, if it's any consolation, my husband and I also had huge conflicts along the way, some also money related, and went through some very dark and distant periods. I actually wonder if it's possible to avoid that? Life is just... a lot. We faltered and argued and had therapy and really, really hated each other at times, but are now in a place of genuine mutual appreciation and adoration. At 50ish! I'm not trying to say that we're somehow brilliant, we've both let each other down in fairly major ways, and we've arrived where we are now through a blend of sheer bloody minded endurance and angry confrontation. Plus luck? But somehow it's worked. Imperfection and resentment and anger can turn to something very different with time.

Could you find some space and time to talk together? Maybe facilitated by a therapist? I suspect it's really important that you get to tell him how his actions and choices are making you feel even now. Even if you've already told him in the past, because it doesn't seem that any of this is resolved.

Weirdly, I found Couples Therapy, on the BBC, unbelievably useful. Worth watching, if you manage to find the time!

But: "I also struggle to recognise my own exhaustion." I think that's a really important insight. The tiredness of a mother... It is so grim. Especially as you are basically expected to just ignore it and keep going. It will be making all of this so much harder. On a practical note, have you seen a GP yourself? Had your iron levels checked etc. Always worth doing!

This is very long, so I will stop here... Best of luck, OP.

Then there’s nothing wrong with you - it’s rage AT him not rage in general…..

The lazy gambling cheat is a poor excuse for a father and he honestly makes ME want to SCREAM!!!

unmet needs for more help around the house and with the baby.

whilst pregnant it unfolded my partner was having an inappropriate relationship with a female “friend” after asking it to go no contact, I found out this had not been respected. Also around 20 weeks I found out he has a gambling addiction.

You are not a dick and this is not PP rage.

Imo Your anger is a COMPLETELY APPROPRIATE RESPONSE to be completely blindsided, let down and betrayed by a man you thought you were building a life with.

And AFTER doing all that he has the fucking audacity to sit staring at sport on tv and let out a sigh when you ask him to pass you a nappy to change his child whose dirty nappy he ignored for 15 mins before you came.into the room or watch you struggle to x y and z or whatever the thing it is that make you scream at him.

I'd want to scream at him too!!!!

Def see a GP and access some support for yourself and start thinking about your future and what it could look like if he wasnt in it....
(My granny used to say she had never met a gambler.who brought good fortune to his door ie. They only bring misery)

sound like you are having a really tough time. Look after yourself...

💐💐💐

No one tells you how exhausting and emotionally overwhelming having a good baby is. 💐 You need a rest.
Speak to your GP.
I struggle with inner rage sometimes when I am due my period, it’s a horrible feeling.

I'd have the rage with someone who did that to me too.

I don't think it's PP rage. I think it's a massive build up of him betraying you during pregnancy.

I’ve had the same reaction during pregnancy and in menopause. Without citalopram I’d probably be like this again. However my DH has always been supportive. You sound confused whether you have a mental health problem or a relationship problem. Suggest start with GP.

Do you have this rage with anyone else or just your partner? Tbh given your updates I think you just hate your partner and he’s annoying you with everything he is (or isn’t doing).

@Motherduck102731, by all means seek therapy for your own sake but do bear in mind that you were let down by your partner at a very vulnerable time in your life. Love and money are probably the two biggest issues for humankind, and he has failed at both. I'm not surprised that the anger you were no doubt forced to suppress during pregnancy etc. is now finding an outlet.

What is your partner doing to sort out the crisis he has created in your shared life? How does the everyday look in your family, in terms of housework, childcare, money, socialising, laughter, connection?

I think your anger is entirely justified and don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. Post partum is horrific, and some men get away with murder.

I’m wondering if this is suppressed anger over what he’s done (or not done).

I’d be annoyed if I had hitched my wagon to a guy like you describe. You have a child so there’s always a connection to him now.

Perhaps counselling for you would help. Do you see your future with him? I would struggle to get past inappropriate friendships and gambling issues.

Don’t blame yourself, by any measure you’ve been through a difficult time and you’ve recognised that you need help. That’s the main thing.

It’s unlikely to be baby hormones alone but there could be other medical reasons. For example could you be in peri-menopause? Or could you have something like an under-active thyroid, or glandular fever. All
of these could be contributing.

Or it could be that you need to make a plan to leave your partner. But you can do this with support.

It's not you, it's him. Don't gaslight yourself into thinking there's something wrong with you when he's being a dick.

even without the hormones, lack of sleep , the 2 things you mention would send a Saint into a rage ….. you sound perfectly normal.
having a baby puts an incredible amount of stress on a woman, while the man’s life changes very little ( in comparison)
my dh was a complete hands on fabulous dad, my ex just swanned off to work.
your dh should be full of remorse and kissing your feet… there is a lot of anger for you to process …and your anger should be the least of his worries….. he has a lot of grovelling to do ,.. (and I am a very forgiving person)

Because you haven't described any examples of the actual situations with your husband, it's hard to tell whether you were unreasonable or not.

But from experience, the tiredness and resentment that builds up during the first few months post-natal can definitely lead to some explosive reactions by the 6-7 months mark!
For my first child, I stopped my mat leave early and went back to work around that time for that reason.

It could unreasonable in terms of the intensity of your anger and how you react to it, but the reasons behind it could be absolutely valid.
And with sleep deprivation and general tiredness of caring for a new baby nights and days, it can be difficult to control.

What is certain is that it is not helpful. For you or you husband, or your child. So I would recommend trying to make time for yourself, to better understand your feelings, where they are (really) coming from, and how your husband/network can support you.

Not to be devil's advocate, but OP has said he had an inappropriate relationship with a female and asked for ties to be cut. The relationship may have been genuine and OPs mental health suffering therefore making her anxious and paranoid. Similar about the gambling. Did he have an actual genuine gambling issue or was it a one off disagreement. Addiction is hard to just put a stop to if it was genuine.

Compassion for OP. But also we've only heard OPs side and it's possible that her relationship with DP is breaking down due to her anxiety, paranoia and anger. Just offering a flip side.

I voted that op IBU, because what ever the reason she needs to get some help and support to process everything.

It's not good behaviour from him but I think what your asking is not that but more what is going on with your temper/self control?
I noticed similar in myself, not quite as bad but v similar over the last year and it was disturbing me because I am normally very in control of my reactions. After months of worsening symptoms I got a GP appointment and asked for HRT (I also had some period changes, though nothing drastic, so thought it might be perimenopause).
I'm nearly at the end of my first 3 months and due for review so have been reflecting on whether it's helped and now I think of it, my out of control rage is gone!
That's exactly how I described it to the doctor too - rage.

All that to say, I definitely think hormones could be causing this. Are you breastfeeding? Or recently stopped? Periods returned? Maybe the pill or other hormonal contraception could help to stabilise you.

@Motherduck102731 you don’t have post partum rage. You have your partner is an absolute cock womble rage and it’s totally justified. I bet if the two of you split, your rage would abate… this is not on you at all. You don’t have anger issues, as he says, you have totally understandable fury. Don’t let him gaslight you.