Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

Your problem is that he doesn’t want to stop drinking because he doesn’t think that his behaviour when drunk is problematic. Until he does, he won’t stop. You can’t make him stop because he’s in denial as many addicts are.

You need to work out if you can live with him drinking and I wouldn’t blame you for saying no.

Unfortunately, OP, he has a serious addiction. He has previously put your children and other innocent people at risk. He has not shown a solid and sustained commitment to stopping.

Unfortunately, you can't make him stop, and it seems that he doesn't actually want to stop.

It's hard, but I really think you have no option but to walk away. I'm sorry.

Im sure he does see it as controlling.
He wants to carry on driving drunk until he kills someone because booze means more to him than the risks.

All you can do is say you refuse to be in a relationship with him because (insert your list) and that when people ask why you've split, you will tell them the truth, and when he tries to get visitation, you will ask for supervised and tell the court why.

I would contact the police/SS again for advice given that he has a history of drink driving with children in the car and he has relapsed. Document absolutely everything for the inevitable custody/access battle.

Yes, it is controlling.

But you don’t have to stay if he doesn’t stop drinking.

OK.

You have asked him to stop drinking. Has he agreed to stop drinking or is he not answering this question?

I think your best bet here is to do exactly this but your problem is how you are packing your deal.

just say I am leaving you because of your drinking i dont want to be with you like this. And then leave.
When he realises the enormity of this he has a choice... drink or his family. If he wants to be with you he will realise how problematic it is, tackle it.... you then do not reconcile immediately so he can backslide you wait watchfully to see if he means it and a year from now you start to reconcile..... or he carries on and you don't.

He isnt safe with children so any contact is limited to Early mornings and / or contact centres

Should you split this becomes a massive safeguarding issue then. It could mean contact needs to be supervised.

Of course it’s not controlling to ask, but it is completely pointless.

If an alcoholic wants to drink booze, they will do so anyway. 🤷🏻‍♀️

The only thing you can control is your response.

I couldn’t be with someone who drinks then drives so that would be the end of the relationship for me.

It's not controlling, it's wasting your time. Get him out before he kills somebody - such as your children.

Are these your DC ? Regardless of that I'd LTB, and make sure those DC are safe

Well you can ask but it doesn't mean they will.

If they are a genuine alcoholic then your words won't be enough to compel him to stop as it's a very strong physical and psychologically addictive substance. It's also very very easily available and socially acceptable. Often encouraged. So even those who WANT to quit will struggle quite severely.

If he isn't an alcoholic, and drinks lightly/moderately and it doesn't cause any issues or negative changes in his personality then it would seem unreasonable for you to demand he stops.

YANBU not to have kicked him out the first time he drunk drove

Are you worried if you seperate, your children will potentially end up in a car with him drunk again and you'll be powerless to stop it? Did you report him to the police at the time or did he say it would never happen again? Understand it feels very complicated when they promise you they'll change and they need their vehicle for work to keep a roof over your head, but he needs to be reported.

On reading this, I can only say - leave him. It won't get better.

It is controlling - you're trying to control his alcohol consumption. I can entirely understand your motivation as I, too, have been in a situation where I felt the need to ask a partner to stop drinking. Nevertheless it is controlling behaviour.

You can only control yourself and your own choices. Your choice is whether or not you wish to be in a relationship with someone who has an alcohol problem.

I’d have left. That list is atrocious. Wouldn’t be wasting my time with him or risking my kids lives.
You can be controlling - control your own life and future and make a life without him.
i wouldn’t consider spending any time trying to negotiate or barter with an alcoholic, he’s made his choice and it’s himself and his addiction.

It is controlling to insist but also not unreasonable if the relationship will end if he doesn't control himself.

He has to want to stop himself.

What the fuck, he needs to be kicked out/divorced.

I’d have been gone the minute he drunk drove, let alone with the children in the car. I’d have actually shopped him to the police for that and moved out that day. No tolerance, he could have killed your children and you’re still with him? Fuck waiting around for him to stop drinking, leave now and apply for sole custody.

Just leave him as he’s not going to change and report him to the police. You need to keep your kids safe

What do you mean by 'crossed the line' and how often is this happening? It's very hard to venture an opinion based on the limited information you've given!

Ah just seen you've added an update! Ignore me 😂