Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

I don't understand the posters agreeing that this is 'controlling'. Presumably they wouldn't call it 'controlling' to ask him to stop doing anything else that physically endangered your children and put your finances at risk?

You're not controlling him, you're simply laying out what you need for the relationship to continue. You're giving him a choice. He's free to keep drinking, away from you. Or to stop drinking, with you.

He's breaking your marriage vows, by messaging escorts.

He's risking losing his job and saddling you with sole financial responsibility.

Worst of all, he's risking your children's lives. So far he has managed to get away with it - no drunken car crash or house fire he's too drunk to notice, yet.

You're not 'being controlling', you're taking control of your life and your children's lives before someone gets seriously hurt, or worse.

I would have stopped the relationship the minute he drove with my children in the car whilst drunk!

Yes actually all dangerous isnt it. Dangerous to your health ( escorts) and dangerous to your children....there could be a terrible acccident. I thonk you have to leave. He wont stop while there are no consequences.

Don’t bother negotiating with an alcoholic. Give him free reign to drink as he wishes, but you have free reign to leave, without his permission or say so.

That’s great you have those links. Do you feel this is now a turning point for you? I’m just curious as to why you posted here instead of contacting them again. Are you in a position now where you know you have to end it and need moral support?

I'd have left him and called the police on him.

And yes, it IS as simple as that, and yes, I DO have extensive experience with alcoholism.

EDIT: cross-post with latest update.

the next drink is more important to him than his children’s lives. That’s the thing about addiction. Nothing else matters more. I’d be long gone and I wouldn’t let him see the children alone.

Quite agree, he needs to stop. He obviously doesn't have an off-switch and able to drink responsibly. Sorry OP, what a sad and horrible situation to be in. Please though, look after you and the children first and foremost.

He’s clearly an alcoholic. Howver you slipped in messaging prostitutes like it was drink related, it’s not. The man is cheating or planning to. No one jus6 has random prostitues on their phones to message. You need to go looking for that. And be sober enough to do so and message.

Alcoholics can't drink sensibly, that's what being an alcoholic is. He stops or you leave, and tell SS he is not responsible enough to have unsupervised access to DC.

Would he fight for custody or would he leave you to it so he can drink with impunity?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I think YABU simply for the fact you’re still with him after this. He won’t change, so you have two options: stay and continue to put up with it or end the relationship.

Drink driving for me would be an absolute dealbreaker and would give me the ick.

In this instance, its not controlling, no in my opinion. Its desperation.
However its utterly pointless to ask. He is an alcoholic based on what you've said about his previous behaviour. He is saying its controlling on your part because he has no desire to stop.
Its entirely under his control to drink the way that he does but unfortunately any decent judgement which he may (or may not) have when sober, clearly goes out of the window after alcohol, and this makes him unreliable at best - dangerous at worst. His behaviour is not going to change because he thinks he has it 'under control' Most alcoholics think this.
Please leave now. It sounds like he has had plenty of chances.
I say this as someone who is now in charge of a man who suffered a stroke due to his alcoholism. I didn't know how bad it was. Until I did. Then I gave him plenty of chances. he tried for a bit. Until he didn't. I am now stuck with him until he is old enough for sheltered housing. I should have left when I had the chance.

Get rid. My partner got full custody of his children after his ex wife was comatose whilst looking after them. Regardless of all the other drinking issues, he’s clearly not a fit father. Drinking and driving whilst your children are in car (or indeed not) is totally unacceptable. You will be relieved!

This.

Sometimes on these threads is when a woman has first started to explore the issues in a space where she can lay it all out and it’s brilliant you have done this. You must be feeling overwhelmed and scared. Have you also got any other family near you who you can talk to honestly about the situation so you can get support to leave? If he’s messaging escorts as well that’s not something you can change with love and support for him, the person who needs the help to exit now is you x

The drink driving would have been the breaking point for me, on top of all the other things you have listed. You can't make him change. Only he can do that. The children are your priority and they need to be protected from seeing their father in this state. He needs to go.

Yes, he's very much in 'big problem' territory. If he doesn't want to stop, he will find ways to drink. Sometimes people need to sink to the bottom (🙋 been there, done that, got the t-shirt) - he stops drinking, or you send him packing. Maybe just send him packing, otherwise you'll just be getting into a phase where he's drinking secretly, bringing you more pain and anguish.

Yes, sadly. It gets nasty. He's probably going towards being an alcoholic or already is.

You can't control his drinking, only your reaction to it. He won't/ can't control his drinking because you tell him to, he has to want to do it for himself (and he doesn't want to).

Focus on things that are within your power to change, like leaving him, consider why you stay with a 'D'P who does all the things you have listed. Work out what you need to do to be able to leave and then do it. Don't waste your life with a drunk who'sstill drinking, they don't get better.

It’s quite easy for others to say “I WOULD HAVE LEFT WHEN” without being aware of the relentless grinding down and emotional abuse that is happening whilst in the relationship to the woman who is trapped with the alcoholic, where she has asked and in some cases begged for external help whilst watching her life collapse and then trying to overcompensate for his failures but working twice as hard to keep the family functioning.
OP rather than having people judge you for staying here I would get some proper advice and support from Women’s Aid and also Family Addictions support services near you.
His level of drinking as you’ve defined there is beyond what you can control now.
Can you speak to your GP today or tomorrow and ask them what family support services are available in your area?