Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

That’s the bit a lot of people won’t understand, you’ve been slowly turned into a crisis unit and a nurse and having to live on your nervous system trying to single handedly manage the unmanageable whilst being left with no air for yourself. It’s unsustainable for you.

I’ve lost five family members to alcoholism including an ex. You are of course worrying about him dying and you can see the tragedy unfolding. However sometimes it’s your presence that is stopping the addicted person from feeling the weight of their own choices. Not because it’s your fault that you’ve had to step in and be the only adult in the house because you had no choice, but because he’s made it impossible for anyone else to carry his chaos.

You clearly have love and compassion for him and you aren’t wrong for feeling those things. But whatever his secret traumas or reasons for detonating his life are, he’s got to do this part on his own now. His empathy clearly switches off to you when he’s violent and unfortunately that means the person that he was isn’t who he is now. Regarding how long he will live, alcoholics can go on living pickled for years even with alcoholic brain damage.

If he’s in too deep he won’t care, unfortunately.

Initially voted U but with the details of what's hes done Yanbu

No you’re not. My ex became an alcoholic, of course I asked, begged, pleaded, the whole caboodle. It did not make me controlling, it made me scared, anxious, angry etc. I ended up leaving him because of it. Then he became sober (and has been for twenty odd years).

Leave him if he won’t stop.

I left him (with our two young children). Never regretted it for a second. They have a relationship with him but I am so happy I didn't raise them with a drunk in the house.

Take him to the hospital mortuary and let him see what drinking and driving does, mostly to the innocent!

And how is he getting so drunk at work during the day?

about 47, the kids were 16 and 12. Thinking of you and sending you a virtual hug.

None of this is easy and you must be faced daily with awful choices I can’t even begin to imagine.

i grew up with alcoholics in my extended family, it was awful and children were not protected enough. It sounds like you have been walking a tightrope here, trying to keep everyone safe and hoping that he would sort himself out.

I suspect when you leave, because I think you know it’s time, he will be unable to function and won’t be in a state to apply for custody. His decline is not your fault. I’m so sorry you are having to deal with this but it is not your fault.

Someone like this can never drink sensibly and if he isn't willing to understand that he can never have alcohol again you need to get away. It WILL get worse until he or someone else gets hurt.

Alcoholics often only get help when they have lost everything. He won't change unless he realises he has to completely give it up or you will not be in his life anymore.

My mum managed to get court orders to say my dad could only have supervised access with us when they split up, because of the driving while drunk.

I could have written this about sil, social services got involved after police were called to her house dB was away and she was drunk and tried to harm dc she displayed all the behaviour your husband did , not the escorts, ɓut the kids were not allowed to live in the house with her , attempted suicide, abused dB. Was forced to inpatient rehab came out still drank . She doesn't believe she has a problem . I haven't spoken to her for years because of abusive messages sent to me . If he doesn't see he has a problem he won't accept help to end it . Its a horrible soul destroying addiction. Sadly I lost an aunt to it , she died alone of asphyxiation . Sil knows this but it doesn't matter to her.

'Trying to keep someone I loved dearly, and the beloved father of my child, alive '

at the risk of your children's lives...

Send this link in an email to him and ask them to read it..

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4497210-Partner-does-not-want-me-to-drink

He has a significant problem that is putting you and your children at risk of serious physical harm and will already have emotionally harmed you all. He has also put others lives at risk by drink driving. I am not you of course but if I was I would be seriously planning an exit strategy. A close family member had a partner who was a functioning alcoholic with whom they had two small children. They left and never looked back. It was hard but by far the best thing to do. His drinking continued and it killed him. I am not in any way suggesting that this is what will happen to your partmer as every person and every circumstance is different but her leaving spared her kids so much trauma. It was still appalling for them when their dad died but living apart fro him did spare them from the worst. I hope you have help and support in real life

I’m sorry OP it’s horrible for you. This is a point where you are allowed to put it all down and call in all the support you can get to put a stop to it. He is a danger now to others and you can’t hold down the chaos he’s created for all of you. You are grieving for what could have been which is one of the most brutal realities of breaking up with an addicted partner.
How are you feeling in yourself today? Can you make a list of all the services you need to get in touch with and start getting your ducks in a row? Do you need to call a friend?

He's done that and yet you haven't ended it?

What are you doing with this man?

My father was an alcoholic. Telling them to quit does not work - they need to decide themselves. And yes - even with my background - I'd say it's controlling. You can't tell other adults what life choices they make.

BUT - you can decide for yourself and your children. In your case - I'd build a strong case re his drinking and leave. Consult a lawyer to understand what you'd need to prove. Then he'll have a choice to decide to address his drinking and be in his kids lives, or continue drinking.

There was another thread where a woman was worried about leaving because that would mean she wouldn’t be able to supervise the husband’s behaviour around their children on his own. It’s easy to see how this becomes an invisible trap.

Once your concerns are formally recorded with Children’s Services, responsibility for managing risk no longer sits solely with you. You can’t be the sole monitor of his behaviours. Children’s services can put clear conditions in place such as supervised contact, restrictions on driving children, alcohol testing etc.

And make sure you have evidence of the drink driving and any other dangerous behaviour. If/When he tries to get custody you will need that to make sure he never has unsupervised access to the children.

You're not unreasonable to ask that of him, no, but you are being unreasonable to think he will change unfortunately. He has big problems and he'll only solve them when he wants to. Or maybe never.
From your updates, you already know you need to leave. Just do it. For you own sake and your dc.

I would have left a long time ago, given what you’ve said especially around the drink driving. You are telling him what he should have concluded himself. I would be furious if I were you - controlling. Classic addiction deflecting the issue onto others. LTB