Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

Leave. Protecting your dc should be paramount to you.
Leave.

I think it's controlling to ask, the better approach is to decide what your boundary is, and say you can do whatever the hell you like but I'm not staying with a drinker. Then follow through if they don't stop - this is the important bit so make sure you mean it. If you don't follow through then you've lost and given them a license to continue.
This way it is THEIR CHOICE to stop, driven by YOUR CONSEQUENCE. Subtle difference.

Being controlling is sometimes a good and important position to take, when there's danger that only you can see. Don't argue with him about language. Tell him that your children are in danger and if he can't stop drinking completely, he has to leave and have supervised access only. Alcoholics can't 'drink sensibly over new year'. Once they have had a drink, they are very likely to be hooked again.

As PPs have said, its not controlling, it's entirely reasonable, but the problem is you are trying to force an outcome which you have no control over.

Nobody ever stopped drinking because they were asked to. This completely misunderstands the nature of alcoholism and how it impacts on the alcoholic.

The only way anyone ever stops drinking is when they get to a point where they can see its destroying their life and where the benefits of being sober outweigh the benefits of drinking. Sometimes even that isn't enough. But if you're asking/begging/cajoling/bargaining with him you are (in his mind) setting yourself up as an enemy of the thing he most loves in the world: alcohol. You can't win that argument.

The only way (literally the only way) to effect change is to leave and take your children with you. It's the only control you have. Even that may not work. Being married to an alcoholic is nightmare (trust me I know). It ruins lives. Don't make your family's future contingent on his recovering with the marriage. It almost certainly won't work and he will drag the rest of you down.

You need to first mentally and then practically start planning for a life without him. Its possible when you leave that he will get his act together, that's an added bonus. But you can't count on this happening and you can't put your life in hock while he thinks about it.

Leave and protect yourself and your children.

Im sorry you are going through this,it's so stressful,takes over your life,and makes you into a paranoid detective.I know,because I had that in a relationship. You say drives with his children in the car,I take from the wording they are not your children, does the mum know he is risking the children's lives?( and everyone else's on the road) You must let her know,you would never forgive yourself if you didn't share that information and something happens, which it will,he's been lucky so far,won't last...he needs to reach rock bottom before he will attempt to stick to not drinking,he has to really want it for himself to stand a chance of doing it. And I would anonymously report him to the police for regularly drink driving. I dont see your relationship working out im afraid,he's going to blame and resent you for trying to get him to give up.Your life is going to be so stressful and shit..Tell him you are ending it because of his drinking,and the totally unacceptable behaviour that leads to. He will either admit to himself he has a problem and do something about it and try to win you back,or he won't. Don't ruin your life over something you can't control. When you are out of it for a while,you will realise just how stressed,anxious and affected you have been,and will be relieved to be out of it.The love dies when respect for someone goes.And you can't respect someone who puts their children and everyone else at risk through drink driving. Best wishes

My heart goes out to you, I was you. What you want is not controlling but you have to reframe it. You're living with an addiction who will say anything to keep drinking. You cant fix him. If you can afford it counselling was great for me to help me see the wood from the trees. But in the short term anything he says is aimed at his addiction and facilitating it. I wish you strength xx

I believe it is called being a dry drunk. The chaotic self destructive behaviour still exists, just without the drinking to fuel it

Also keep a detailed log of everything that happens with evidence to back it up. You will need this when you have to build a solid case against him to stop him harming your children.
He won't have the discipline to do any of that for himself so he will not have a leg to stand on when it comes to getting access to his children.
Metaphorically and possibly literally- I know of two alcoholics in my extended family who lost the use of their legs (alcoholic neuropathy) before they finally rotted away completely.

It is not controlling to ask.
Nor is it controlling if he refuses and you then leave.
He would be controlling if he refused to stop and did not accept you leaving.

He's an addict, leave now before he takes you all down with him.

My husband was an alcoholic until an incident that led me to stop speaking to him for 2 days (never done that before[. He got the message, went to the doctor, stopped drinking completely in 2019.
The trouble is, I'm now finding that the dishonest, deceitful, chaotic, drama-filled behaviour and mindset that went with the drinking is still there.
He mind give up the alcohol, but the underlying personality problems might remain.

Having seen your list I would have left him the first time it involved the children.

End the relationship. Having read your list, his alcoholism is his priority. There is no "sensible" level of drinking for him.

If he can’t control himself around alcohol then it’s not controlling for you to try to help him…as you have done.
When it gets to the point that it’s clear he’s an alcoholic and can’t help himself then you have to leave him. No point wasting vast amounts of your emotional energy trying and failing to help him if he’s not yet reached rock bottom. Even then, he has to do it himself.

The risk is him being successful with custody and access to your child whilst still not admitting his problem. It’s time family courts had a new understanding of addiction problems.
Good luck OP. Continue with your very courageous decisions.
Don't let his defence arguments wear you down. They come from a bottle, nowhere sensible at all so just ignore them and carry on protecting you and your little one.

His drinking has crossed the line several times. Drunk driving and driving drunk with his kids in the car. You know he is drinking at work and is either using heavy machinery or driving heavy machinery at work. He is a danger to himself, his family and work colleagues.

In your situation I would be gathering up all the information you need for a divorce and going to a good family law solicitor. Tell them all about him and his behaviour and that you want a divorce. You have given him plenty of chances and you and your kids deserve better.

One of my friends had 3 kids with her ex partner in her 20s. Over time his drinking got worse. She was not working because her kids were young. He had money for drinks but never considered that his kids needed new shoes ect. She got sick of the lack of money because he was spending it on drink and she was sick of the fights when she told him he needs to stop drinking. She kicked him out, went on benefits for a while and then retrained when the youngest child was a bit older.
Today she a good job. Her 3 kids have degrees and recently one of them got a management position in their company.
Her ex partner continued to drink, has been in and out of jobs and is now living in a charity housing. His kids have very little to do with him because of his behaviour.
She told me kicking him out and ending things was hard at the time but it was the best thing she did for herself and her kids.

You need to do what's best for you and your kids now. I would not be hanging around waiting for the next crises or putting up with his behaviour. He won't stop drinking and you given him enough time so it time to end things.

Why are you still with him?

It is controlling ... but then he isn't controlling himself and putting you, your family and others never mind himself in danger. He has a choice - either he takes responsibility and stops drinking or he leaves. This can't go on.

He's broken the law on more than one occasion.

The fact that he doesn't have a conviction and hasn't hurt anyone is just down to luck - and luck always runs out.

He clearly needs help, but you don't have to sacrifice yourself or your children to provide that help. You couldn't do it even if you tried - it's a job for professionals now.

Your priority is your children, that's clear to see. Do what you need to do to protect them and yourself - everything else (what happens if...) is secondary.

For those piling on to the OP asking why she didn’t leave already etc, just remember this poor woman will be TERRIFIED about what will happen to her child (and his older children) if she leaves and he is then granted any sort of custody (or whatever it’s called these days). Put yourself in her shoes - if you know about the drinking and you live there, you can make sure they are never alone with the children, never get in a car being driven by the drunk, etc. if you leave and can’t prove any of this and get awarded 50/50 custody, would you feel ok about the fact half of the time you can do NOTHING to protect your kids?

OP you are in an awful position and I completely understand why you’ve stayed. Can you talk to his ex about the older children so that she knows too? She may have left due to his drinking. But she deserves to know the danger her children are in with their dad. She might be able to get evidence that you can’t.

Good luck getting everything you need to escape him and keep your child safe.

my ex did all of those things. No matter how much I begged, said I’d leave, shouted, reasoned etc, nothing changed. He’d promise he would stop but expect a ‘reward’ (more sex) if I didn’t have more sex he’d argue that was a reason as to why he shouldn’t bother cutting his drinking down. I didn’t want sex with him as I was so put off my his drinking and had lost respect for him. Anyway I left him. Best deci of my life. You can’t change them.

So it sounds like what triggered your post today is you knowing the behaviour has started up again.
Sometimes because these events can happen over years and then calm down it becomes like being on a constant tightrope where you can’t think straight and the gaslighting goes off the scale so you are having to spend energy being a detective along with the nurse, therapist and crisis unit for a man who is unable to cope with his feelings. Another poster was saying about reserving your energy for you. That’s essential now. You need some space to think clearly without being attacked or told you aren’t being caring about your children etc when you’ve been trying to stop a home from falling apart by the sounds of it for years and you have a young baby to look after too.

Who in real life can you talk to and maybe go and stay with for a few days even? Just so you can breathe?

Because the courts operate on ‘It’s in the best interests of children to have a relationship with both parents’.

They will not deviate from that unless you have a mountain of evidence to prove otherwise, which for the most part, courts will allow the unsafe/abusive parent to explain away with lies about how the safe parent is lying because they are bitter, spiteful and trying to punish them by taking their children away.

So no, it’s not as easy as you seem to think for the safe parent to protect their children and walk away. If he’s given unsupervised access, she has no ability to know and prevent him from drinking around their children, passing out or crashing the car.

You are being unreasonable to let your children live with this person

• :drunk drove with his children in the car

How is it controlling to ask a man to stop drinking to keep his family safe?

He says it is controlling because he doesn't want to stop therefore deflects the blame to you.

Its that old adage, you can't change or control him but you can change how you react. You have to tell him to leave, get social services back involved so they can see the children are at risk. You can then arrange that he only has supervised access to the children.

Gosh poor you, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. I guess you give him an ultimatum - get sober today or you leave - but you have to mean it.

You sound smart and strong, you will be fine.