Is it controlling to ask someone to stop drinking entirely?

I actually voted YABU. Not because he isn't drinking too much, but because it is pointless telling him so. The only thing you can do in such a relationship is leave.

You can divorce him if he doesn't stop, that isn't controlling, that is your personal choice, but your never going to be able to 'make' an alcoholic stop drinking, many alcoholics desperatly want to stop drinking and they can't even make themselves do it.

Not controlling to ask a question but unreasonable to even think he can stop just like that

Another vote for getting to Al-Anon, OP (in person, online, by phone, whatever you can manage…). You’ll hear your story from others and find people who are living lives 6 months / two years / twenty years on from where you are now. I found it very hard to get support from anywhere else as living with alcoholism and / or addiction creates challenges and behaviours the average person just can’t get their heads around.

Judge his actions, and take action yourself accordingly. He doesn’t want to stop.

He crossed the line a long time ago
put Yourself and kids first
leave him to his drinking

My dad is an alcoholic. I've heard all that shit before. Of course it's not controlling to ask a partner to stop drinking if he has a problem. However he'll use any excuse and rationalise and rationalise in order to make it all your fault, because he's so terrified of having his crutch taken away. I don't have any answers for how to deal with him, just that you are absolutely not being controlling for asking your alcoholic partner not to drink.

Did your sister not realise he was still over the limit?

Head-in-sand for convenience of getting the child to school. Sister is equally responsible.

My BIL used to drink 1 crate of beer every day after work. Sister was very worried but did nothing until he drove drunk to school with his kid in the morning and had an accident. The police arrived and took his licence away. He automatically lost his job (where ironically he worked a driver).
I don't think he drinks anymore, but why it had to come to that? Thankfully the kid was OK.

From his perspective you are being controlling, but someone needs to as he’s lost control of his own life.

Sometimes, they need to hit rock bottom to finally face what they’ve let alcohol do to them before anything changes - i.e losing his family.

Sometimes, it’s just an ongoing situation that they can’t get out of that’s causing them misery leading to drink. He may not even be able to name what is causing the misery, until hopefully he finds himself out of it and the drinking stops.

Drink driving (with or without kids in the car) is a step too far though. It’s just totally selfish behaviour and really unnecessary. He could walk to get his booze, time drinking around his families everyday needs if he has to drink but to get in a car over the limit is just unacceptable. Does he want to end up in jail for murdering someone?

I’d let him hit rock-bottom now.

Yikes - sorry but you’ll need all the luck in the world with this problem man.
I don’t think he’ll change long term.
Just one of the things on your list would be enough for me to call it a day ….. but wetting the bed eugh!!

So many people asking 'why dont you leave' oh if only it was that simple. I stayed because he told me if I did our kids would be damaged, we'd lose our home (with all my savings), hed lose his job, I would be breaking my vows, i would be letting him down ... you dont understand what a hold they have on you until you're in it. Horrendous

Very true.

I didn't actually think of that.

Personally I'd kick him out, refuse him any contact with the kids and let him sort it all out himself. If he wants contact he needs to get a solicitor and go to court. Hopefully by the time that happens he'd have drunk himself into such a state no court would grant him unsupervised access.

Of course I know it doesn't work like that.

It does feel incredibly unfair.

Has he ever been to rehab / a programme @LostLostLostLost ? I'm assuming not and given his reaction to being asked to stop drinking I expect he won't be very receptive to anything of that nature.

Are they your children? If so how are you still with him

I recommend Al Anon OP. I found it very helpful when trying to understand why I couldn't get my dad to stop drinking

Please do follow through with leaving and do everything in your power to stop him having unsupervised access. I spent most of my childhood having to spend time at my dad's whilst he drank, then drove us home over the limit. No idea how we didn't get in a collision. He eventually got caught and banned but didn't stop him. Growing up the child of an alcoholic has a lasting impact so keep doing what you csn to protect the kids as much as possible. You can't make him choose to stop, you can only do what you can to protect yourself and the kids

This is what alcoholics do. Once they get past the denial and can no longer keep up the pretence of "cutting down" %they will shift the blame to you. You then become the reason they drink because you're so controlling. Poor them. All you can do is leave them to their own misery, I wish I'd done it sooner. I promise you, you deserve better and life is far happier without them draining every day.

• drunk drove with his children in the car
• day drunk whilst in sole charge of children
• passed out whilst looking after children

Particularly horrifying. Why have you stayed with him this long? Your children's lives are at risk. I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be dramatic. But that's the reality of the situation.

You can't do anything to change him. By staying, you're just exposing the children to more of his abuse.

My ex was alcoholic. He told me I was the problem, that his drinking was reasonable, despite coming from a family of alcoholics and our relationship being terrible and violent. I left, he fell apart. Drink, drugs. He had a couple of girlfriends and sorted himself out a bit temporarily with them but once he'd convinced one to marry him, went back to his old ways. He nearly lost his wife as a result of his drinking but clearly didn't want to be divorced again so reduced his drinking.

He's now a functioning alcoholic because his wife won't tolerate his excessive drinking. While she was away for a month though he went on a bender, but again, nipped it in the bud before she returned home.

If it weren't for her control of him, he'd be dead by now.

Isn't there a danger there though that he will get angry/potentially violent with her if she repeatedly reports him to the police while they're still together? She does need to get evidence, I agree, but she also needs to make sure she stays safe.

I would begin by documenting and keeping a diary of everything you can remember (and everything going forwards)

Can you report him drinking at work to someone senior?

Any further drink driving you report to the police so there is a record.

Likewise report any DV.

Do you have any witnesses to his past behaviour?

Once you have enough evidence to ensure he cannot have unsupervised access to your DC then kick is arse out and never look back! He has had ample time and opportunity to make a real effort to be sober, if he isn't willing or able to be alcohol free he will always go back to drinking and problematic drinkers who go back to drinking after 'forced' periods of sobriety (forced sobriety are basically times they become to desperate to pacify the people around them that they manage a month or two without / to moderate for a while etc) always end up drinking MORE

Someone with a problem at this level need to stop drinking - forever!

I think what I meant is - it's better to make it their choice by imposing a boundary. Then she's not asking him to change, he's choosing to do it of his own accord becuase of the consequence (of her leaving). Of course where most people fall down with this is the not following through bit. Just asking will likely go nowhere.

You could report him to the Police for drink driving on the occasions that you know he is. Being arrested might help bring it into focus and encourage him to get help. It will st least keep him off the road snd other people, including your DC, safer.

It is not controlling to ask when this man has endangered their children. In asking him to change his behaviour, she's presumably hoping she can save her marriage and her children from the pain of divorce. However there is little point asking if there isn't a consequence depending on his decision.

Why did you have a baby with him if he started drinking in a problematic way at least 2 years ago OP?

If you only have a baby and the other children have a different mother then where is she with all this? Is she aware what is going on when he has the kids?

It's completely pointless to ask him to stop drinking OP because he can't. You're focusing on completely the wrong things here. You being in the wrong or not in the wrong for asking him to stop is just spectacularly missing the point. You need to leave because you don't want your baby growing up in a house with an alcoholic. Quibbling over details and whose right and wrong is just avoiding the actual issue - your child's father is an alcoholic.

Leave this man for the sake of your children, if not yourself.