AIBU to make teenage DD get a job

@ERthree and make sure you have the first aid kit ready for when they start self harming because you have taken away everything that makes them feel safe and comfortable.

Tough love doesn't always give the result you are looking for - take it from someone who naively thought it would work and now has a massive weekly therapy bill to cover to help keep her child safe.

Encouragement and support are what's needed especially if a child is ND or has a mental health issue.

She sounds like a sensitive girl, so you might need to think in a different way about this. It might be that three days at college and going out with friends once a month is the best she feels she can cope with at the moment. I'd be more concerned if she was in her room 7 days a week but at least she is going to college even if it's not full time.
All the same, sitting in a room all day staring at a screen is probably not best for her mental health long term. Does she have any interests or hobbies you could encourage her to engage in? Maybe something fun to start with like an interesting evening class or sports club? Just to get her out of the house and meeting new people.
Once you've made some baby steps, you could try gently encouraging her to do maybe one day a week voluntary work perhaps. Voluntary work is a really good, gentle start into the world of work, looks great on her CV, can be fun (depending on what she chooses) and staff tend to be kinder to young volunteers, because they don't want to lose them!
When I was young I started out volunteering part time at a local city farm, I loved it and it helped to build my confidence which had been non existent up to then. From there I found my way into paid work. For me, the journey was much slower than my peers, but that's ok. I got there in the end and I'm sure your DD will too 🙂

Turn the wi-fi off and remove the remote control from the tv during the day. Provide the same boring food for every meal, no snack at all. Provide SP, a bar of soap and cheap shampoo, nothing else. Tell her unless she is up and out every day the house is going on the market at the end of the month. She lies in bed because you allow it.

My brother is mid twenties now and the same, never worked, dropped out of uni and lives with my Nan whose health is declining rapidly.

He does have a lot of childhood trauma, mental health difficulties/neurodivergence but is still perfectly capable of doing things he wants to do eg travel abroad, get the train into London etc. But barely lifts a finger to help my Nan round the house just sits in his room reading or gaming.

He has applied for some jobs but understandably his lack of experience and general apathy go against him - and the jobs he would stand a chance at getting eg warehouse shifts, agency work sounds like more hard work than he wants to do so hes stuck 🙄

Id really encourage any young people to get a job, volunteer or get involved with some kind of social sport or interest. Even if just once a week. It bolsters a CV and builds confidence whereas sitting doing nothing only seems to be a slippery slope to nowhere and becomes harder to get out.

That said ive been self employed for years and the thought of a real job, meeting new people and the rejection from interviews is daunting to me too! Volunteering is a good low pressure way to gain experience and can lead to paid work in some cases. Or a hobby eg my stepbrother did tennis and wound up getting paid to help out coaching the odd session here and there.

Suggest she volunteers once a week in something that gives skills eg shop or perhaps appeals to her failing that just say to help society. They weren’t always that keen but my DD’s came with me once a fortnight to entertain people at our local nursing home, they are good singers and play multiple instruments, I felt they should give back and they really appreciated doing it looking back, in fact my dd is volunteering with veterans regularly now

What is she doing at college OP? If she does some relevant volunteering it might help her get a job in the future. She will need something on her CV and to talk about at interview other than just the college course.

If you manage it, please let me know how. I'd love to shoehorn my own 17yr out of bed, but it's impossible. I've refused to buy anything bar the bare "essentials" for months now, but it isn't helping. Getting her to college is hard enough. The only reason she goes there, is because if she doesn't ive told her that I'll sell up and we will move to a new (cheaper) area.

Both mine got part time jobs as soon as they got their national insurance through the post at 16! They were at school and sixth turn full time from 8-6pm mist days due to sports training but they worked on Sundays at the local pub. I stopped paying them pocket money so that was an incentive to work! Both now at uni and even now, they’ve got part time work at the weekends…I think it’s important to encourage strong work ethic in our children, to want to go out and earn their own money. I would sit her down and have a talk and help her find a job, anything..just to get out of the house, meet people and earn money. It’s a life long trait that will serve her well.

My DD has worked in river island part time since year 12, she’s now doing a masters, and also works in a bar weekends to supplement it. We live in West Yorkshire and she found it easy enough to get both jobs. She is ND and worried about whether she’d be ok but it’s been the making of her. Plus the extra money and clothing discount is great 🙂

OP
I've just read that you actually found her jobs but she didn't stick at them for various reasons.

My DD17 has diagnosed depression, ptsd and anxiety plus a chronic health condition that makes her constantly fatigued and requires a cocktail of drugs that give her awful side effects. She also has a mild learning difficulty/slow processing.

She has worked non stop alongside her full time college course since her 16th birthday 18 months ago. When she was laid off by one job she started another.

She knows that she has to be resilient and can't rely on handouts. If we genuinely thought she couldn't handle work we would support her financially but she manages it fine even if she has to spend a whole day in bed to recover after a work shift.

She has also realised that her mental health declines when she's not working ( she really struggles with half term and school holidays if she hasn't been given any extra work shifts) She would rather be shattered and in pain after a shift than have a week doing nothing.

Plus she loves having her own money.

Must be lucky where we are as all the teens I know have secured part time jobs if they have wanted one, even under 18. In hospitality - kitchen porter, room service seem to work for under 18. A bit of a limitation on hours but it is possible. I have three DC all secured jobs from 17. Appreciate that is may be harder in other areas.

@MonsterMunchforbreakfast

I think the government needs to bring back some kind of YTS scheme I know it wasn't ideal for some but it's how I got on to the employment ladder.

I fully agree. I worked as the external accountant for our local chamber of trade who had the contract for the JTS and YTS schemes in the 80s so was heavily involved with them as I'd be going in to "do the books" for a few days every month, so got to know the staff very well and lots of the JTS/YTS trainees who'd got placements working within the Chamber of Commerce. The Chamber staff were heavily committed to the scheme and those on it. I saw the "outcomes" statistics which were very good and showed a very high proportion were kept on by the employer at the end of the scheme.

One of the girls I worked closely with, who was a YTS herself, in the accounts department was kept on, eventually became the finance manager and ultimately became the MD of the Chamber of Commerce, a position she still holds today, though she is about to retire.

I also was the accountant for another firm, in the next county who had a similar contract. They weren't a chamber of commerce, but a commercial firm, but made up as being a partnership of three ex-teachers, who likewise seemed committed to the scheme and those on it - again, very good outcome statistics.

I have no doubt that some employers took advantage, but most didn't, and having a good scheme management company meant there was good overview and youngsters being treated badly could be identified, removed and put with other employers.

This.
But does she not want to save for gap year/uni? If not a paid job then volunteering will at least boost her cv (and she needs to start thinking about that).

Speaking for my experience at her age and my DN who is 16, yes I think you should make her get a job. Well not make her, help her and encourage her, that sounds much better.

I started at spoons in the kitchen and if you’re under 18 you don’t do closes and you don’t do some specific things (you can’t use the can opener, don’t ask why because I don’t know). I started at 17 and by the time I was 21 I was a manager making good hourly and good monthly bonus. It was a really good job because there was progression and you can move easily. I went from working in my home town to transfer to my university city. Got really good experience and earned well. Made loads of friends and also met DH. It gave me confidence and also gave me a lot of transferable skills. I also think it helped me with time management, studying for exams while managing working during college prepped me for how I’d need to manage my time at university. They employ a lot of students so they’re very understanding about time off in exams - even if you’re a manager.

DN currently works at MacDonald at 16 and it’s hard graft (way harder than spoons I’ll say that). It’s been really good for her confidence and also she’s not bugging her dad for money anymore. I helped her with the application, and she had to apply for a few before she got that job (subway, costa, local shops) and I think she got a bit disheartened, but it was good to learn and to work on her CV together ect.

When it comes to big cooperations vs small local businesses for a job I personally would say work for a big corp. I’ve done both and a lot of small business in hospitality do not abide by the law and do not treat their staff well. A big cooperation tends to at least give you your breaks, follow procedures for firing and hiring, and at least do the minimum. Honestly though if you find a good small business that actually cares about their staff then you’re set - so there are pros and cons to both.

Absolutely - she needs to have a routine: shower and into clothes every day and out of the house every day, even if it just for a walk around the block.

I would strongly encourage her to get a job although the jobs market is dire. If she can’t get a part time job, some volunteering will help boost her CV.

Have you given her no jobs to do around the house? It is so unhealthy for her rotting away in her room. She is also going to get really lazy, she needs a bloody work ethic at 17 or is the tax payer going to fund her lifestyle at 18?

I know of Cambridge graduates that are struggling to find work. None of them have worked before and as an employer I’d be very nervous employing someone in their 20s with no work
edperimce. So yes! Encourage DD to get a job

‘Little job’ is so patronising

That was fancy! I worked in Tesco in the early 1990s and had to wear a hideous red and white dress. Only full time staff got a gilet so it was bloody freezing if you got stuck on the tills near the door! Character building stuff 🤣

Yes, do encourage her to get a job or volunteer. She needs to pick up some form of work experience. My dd is 16 and adhoc collects glasses/ helps out at the local rugby club. It’s anything to put on her CV. Not very healthy to be stuck indoors not doing anything apart from gaming/socials 4 days on the trot. I thought she’d need to be studying or going to the library. That’s what we did in the hours we had as free study time, but college was full time over 5 days.

It's not as easy as it sounds though.There are so many people chasing so few jobs.little PT jobs are harder to get now.I think even volunteering is hard to come by.If she seems happy then I would mention it but not put too much pressure on if shes generally a good kid

The problem is, she’s now 17 and doesn’t have any experience from volunteering etc. I made my oldest volunteer from 14, lifeguard course at 16, then straight into a part time job which she can do anywhere in the country. She’s now at uni and lifeguarding there. My ds will be the same, volunteering and straight onto a refereeing course at 14, then if he isn’t keen on it he can do a lifeguarding course at 16.

It isn’t optional, it’s something that they’ve always known is expected of them. If she can swim I’d get her onto a lifeguarding course.

When I was 16 I was told that I would continue receiving my modest allowance for basic clothes etc but that I would be responsible for paying for my own social life. I got a Saturday job which helped me pay for things like cinema trips with my friends and more fashionable clothes I wanted, plus saving for my first holiday with friends. It was framed in a way that was more like “now you’re nearly an adult you are responsible for this” rather than things are being taken away. Would that work?

Yabu to try "make her" as it's really difficult to find an employer that will accept under 18's unless it's an apprenticeship and even they seem far and few between or an employer that doesn't expect you to be "fully flexible" which as she has college still so she can't be. What I would encourage her to concentrate on is her finding voluntary work to boost her CV but and working on the presentation of her CV.

Maybe because there aren't the jobs that were around 20 years ago. A lot of places don't employ staff just for the weekend.
I was the same college full time and working weekends but it's hard enough to get a full time job let alone weekend work at least in our area