AIBU to make teenage DD get a job

This is devastating to read. When you say she knows she has to be resilient and can’t rely on handouts what has really happened is you have told her this and it’s clear that even at 16, you have made your child feel like it’s not your job to be a parent and support her financially.

And no one sane would rather be shattered and in so much pain they can’t get out of bed for a entire day after a work shift than have a week “doing nothing” unless they have been groomed to feel that work is so important that it trumps their own health.

She has a learning difficulty, physical and mental disabilities and you’re literally guilting her into over extending and exhausting herself with work as well as study. She is never going to achieve her academic potential with under such crushing demands. She is headed for burnout at the very least.

It would definitely be good for her but if she doesn’t want to do it then it will be very hard to make it happen.

I was desperate for my 18 yo DD to get a job a) for life skills and b) because I was sick of bank rolling her social life and constant requests for little bits of money here and there that add up. In the end I told her I will be stopping her allowance and she has now got a part time job washing up in a pub which has been really good for her recognising the value of money, budgeting and managing her time. She applied for quite a few before she got this but with persistence it was possible. If your DD is not motivated though I just don’t know how you can make it happen.

It sounds like she’s autistic. My ASD DD does the exact same hours at college as yours and needs the 4 days off to recharge and regulate herself.

If she’s not causing you any trouble and isn’t pestering you for money, I’d leave her be. I’d be gently encouraging her to go out more but if she’s is ASD that’s easier said than done. Is she getting good grades at college? Settling in well? If yes, leave her be. She’ll get there in her own time.

I think the fact she has been offered jobs but is refusing to take them is a worrying sign. Is she lacking confidence or is she just lazy? How much pocket money are you giving her? I don’t think it’s normal to be in your room for 4 days a week. She needs to get out and start living a bit. I think you need to get to the bottom of why she is refusing work and go from there. Volunteering can be great and boosting confidence. Places like the national trust or charity shops are good. Doing nothing for 4 days straight would not be acceptable to me.

The job market is totally different now to when many of the parents on here got their first job.
Even min wage retail jobs are wanting years of experience, and you have to go through several lots of interviews and tests to even get them.

I second the suggestions of volunteering. St John Ambulance is good, and take on teens. You learn really useful skills (First Aid, and you can do more advanced stuff too). When I went, we met once a week to practice skills, do role play, and once you "qualify" and get your uniform etc, you can do duties... that means free entry to local events (some of which are pretty good), and siting around drinking tea and chatting. Not many people need first aid at all.

Mine were lucky enough to get jobs at 16, move away to uni and have those same jobs kept open for them every holiday they were home. Ds2 is in his third year, just gone back and worked all Xmas. They’ve asked him to call them again at Easter. I don’t think it’s as easy getting that foot in the door though anymore which is a shame because they’ve proved invaluable on so many levels, least of all the money.
DS1 was asked mostly about his pt job of four years at JD sports when he landed a grad role last year, and DS2 has just secured an internship for his fourth year with again, many questions about his job of four years at Papa Johns! They had both also done paid football refereeing. Anything extra to talk about is a good thing. Academic qualifications alone will not cut it anymore.

I agree with others that say getting a part time job is easier said than done. Even trying to pass the online assessments these days can sometimes be impossible and very baffling as to how you haven't passed, with years of experience/qualifications.

I would, however, get to her to volunteer in a charity shop or a youth group, even if it's once a week.

DDs friend has applied for 90 jobs and has finally got one, he has been very motivated and it’s still been hard to get one.

Did this work for your teens? How long did it take?

I agree she needs to be working and budgeting. You don’t really get much life experience until you start working. Even just a few hours on a weekend would be good for her. Hard if you don’t live somewhere with good transport though.

Of course she needs to get a job, she sounds pretty lazy slobbing around the house. Why are you giving her pocket money if she's not actively doing any chores?

Pocket money should stop and that would give her a kick up the bum to get a job, not to mention look good on her CV for when she goes to uni/career.

No reason why she couldn't do weekends at McDonalds, waitressing, shop work etc!

You can't be 'a bit' ND, she either is or isn't and if she is then she needs that time to decompress. If that is the case, getting a job could lead her into burnout and derail her entirely.

It would be good but it’s very difficult. If she has no experience in work at all, she should volunteer for a couple of hrs once a week. It’s not much time but it will help her to develop skills and it’ll look good on her cv.

Teenagers shoukd work - it sets up the work ethos.

Amazing life skills and extra pocket money for DD so yes encourage her.

My DD is 17 and at sixth form. She works PT as a lifeguard. It has taught her so many skills and she has a great disposable income which gives her some independence. Look at local leisure centres to see if they offer the course to do the qualification. It isnt easy though so she would need to be both supported and motivated. My two sons started off with paper rounds and poorly paid jobs in a local chip shop. Again it gave them so many slkills.

My similar age dd has a job in the summer, but she does volunteer work during the school year. She has AsD and anxiety and does need some decompression time. She also understands the importance of having something on her CV hence why she has found assorted volunteer work. She had one main volunteer job and then picks up extra things through her school. They heavily promote volunteering.

if we needed her to be saving money I might take a different approach. As it stands right now, we have her take her summer earnings and put them into a pension fund. We are putting our money towards her spending money and university savings.

You said to be kind and that your kid is not causing you any issues and is anxious.
In that case, see that you are kind as well and don't "make" her do anything, talk to her about getting a job, possibly help out.

Totally! She should be making the most of those days for work experience hopefully in a field related to her course or at least just a low level minimum wage role or a few hours volunteering. My son is 17, in college 5 days a week but has had a job since Christmas in a pub for 12 hours a week. He’s naturally quite lazy but he is also desperate for money so he’s willing.

Very difficult to get a job with the hours she's not at college unless it's a Saturday job in a cafe or pub kitchen type of thing . Volunteering would get her out and doing something useful. I Volunteer in a charity shop and we have lots of teens who do a couple of days a week and they do seem to enjoy it .

It would be good for her to have more in her life or it could burn her out.
Keeping busy is better for the mind. IMO.

I’m sorry, you’re enabling her!.
You got her a job, but she couldn’t get out of bed to do it?.
Seriously!. How is she supposed to learn to be an adult, if you are allowing her to turn down a job, just because she cannot be bothered to get out of bed?.
At 13 mine were working, because I told them it was their earned money, I wanted none of it, at 16 they had bought themselves a iPhone each, at 17 they were paying a phone contract, all while being in school/college.
At 18 they were paying me £20 a week towards the electric, gas and internet.
At 20 they were paying me £25 a week towards electric, gas and internet.
When they moved out, my combined bills dropped by £800 a month.
You are giving your not so little child pocket money, for doing nothing, while you work to provide it.
The least she should be doing is some housework, she’s living a good life of doing nothing, because you feel sorry for her!.
Are you still going to allow her to live at home jobless in 5/10 years time?, because she has no incentive to actually work, you’re obviously paying for her phone, internet, food etc and I bet even doing her washing, ironing and cleaning, not to mention being her taxi service and all the other things us mothers are roped into doing.
You need to start giving her incentive to take up a job, maybe give her a minimum basic phone contract, maybe ask her to get a job to contribute to the household, maybe decide that she needs to be able to get her own shopping.
You certainly need to teach her the value of money, that she should actually work for her pocket money and the idea that getting up to go to work is actually a thing.
College won’t last forever, neither should your giving an almost adult, pocket money.
Because the last thing you need is an unemployed 30 year old occupying your home.

Did that work with YOUR teenagers??? Because it doesn't work with mine. As I already said, I pay for the bare necessities, and I'd really prefer that she went to college than sell my house.

I think these days it is harder for young people to get these Saturday or part time jobs, but it is certainly worthwhile if they can, as it encourages a 'work ethic', that is useful for when they want to get their first proper job.
By work ethic, I mean the fact of getting up, being on time, and obeying instructions etc.
One of my dc worked at a Saturday job in a supermarket (which also included Friday evening). With this they can also try for a summer job in a similar field. Another worked on telephone sales, etc.
However, I do believe it is harder these days, but I would certainly encourage them to try.

It’s not so much as she needs a job it’s that she needs to be getting out the house more. I was FT college & had an evening job (20 hours a week) so she’s definitely got space to fit one or some volunteering in there.

she might have anxiety issues but staying in her room 4 days a week certainly ain’t gonna help her.