Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave now or after baby

135 replies

Biscofflatte · 12/01/2026 01:53

Hi I know I’m probably going to flagged for this.

Ive just started IVF this week, my partner and I are both 40. No children. Engaged. Together 11 years.

He hasn’t been very supportive and is completely bone idle around the house. I’ve realised today that I no longer want to be with him. He doesn’t take into account my wellbeing and doesn’t seem to care about me.

i want a child. If we broke up now I wouldn’t want another relationship so wouldn’t be able
to have a baby. I wouldn’t want to even go near another man.

do I continue with the ivf have the baby then when the time is right leave him? Or leave now and cancel the ivf/give up the dream.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 12/01/2026 02:44

This reply has been withdrawn

Message removed as it quotes a deleted post.

Meadowfinch · 12/01/2026 02:41

Have you asked him what he wants? How invested in having a child is he?

ByKeenBlueHelper · 12/01/2026 02:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PenguinsandWhales · 12/01/2026 02:39

Donor.

ByKeenBlueHelper · 12/01/2026 02:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JanuaryJasmine · 12/01/2026 02:30

How would you feel about fostering? Being single is not a barrier to fostering. I'm not sure about adoption.

But yes, donor sperm might be an option (not sure age wise).

But don't tie yourself to him for the rest of your life. Legally it might stop at 18, but it doesn't ever really stop until one of you dies.

OneHundredDays · 12/01/2026 02:24

Mumtobabyhavoc · 12/01/2026 02:18

Why not use donor sperm and do it on your own?

Agreed. If he's a shit partner now then he will 100% be a shit dad. So if you're going to be solo parenting either way, I would use donor sperm and avoid the resentment that comes with trying to co parent with a lazy uninvolved man. It's also unfair on the child to knowingly give them a shit dad. That would potentially cause them so much heartache.

Octaviathethird · 12/01/2026 02:23

I'd have the baby then leave him. I know that doesn't make me sound like a nice person but I know what being desperate for a baby feels like, and if it's your only chance, then I'd grab it with both hands. I suppose you could leave him and use a sperm donor instead? That way he would be out of your life for good, without the need to try to get along enough to co-parent effectively. I'm trapped with my husband because we have frozen embryos and if I left he could have them destroyed, but every time we start fertility treatment something happens that means we have to delay the cycle.

InterestedDad37 · 12/01/2026 02:22

Leave now, and maybe try donor, as suggested 👆

Mumtobabyhavoc · 12/01/2026 02:18

Why not use donor sperm and do it on your own?