Leave now or after baby

Pause the IVF if you can. Don’t bring a child into a relationship where you already feel uncared for. A baby won’t fix him,and it will bind you to him forever. Take space, get clarity, then choose motherhood from strength, not fear.

Singletons can also adopt.

i suspect op wants a child with her own dna and a pregnancy, which is a totally valid desire.

I am not sure what to advise. Follow your gut? For what it’s worth I have no moral judgement about you leaving him if the IVF works. After all, he owes you something after all the effort you’ve put in. He probably won’t be bothered anyway once that child arrives.

I know, only too well, about wanting your own baby. But at 40, needing to use IVF, it's not always possible. And even if it is, doing it with someone you don't want to be with isn't the wisest choice.
sometimes people think you can't foster as a single person & (where I live anyway) that's not true.

How would you feel if he wanted 50/50 with your baby?
Thats the only thing id say would be so difficult for me.
He has every right to insist on that if you split once the baby is born.
If you cant handle the thought of that then definitely a sperm donor!

If you don't want to be with him, why on EARTH do you want to have a child with him? That's not fair on him or the potential child.
Leave if that's your plan - do it now. Look into donor if a child is a priority, but don't make someone you plan to leave a parent. That's utterly selfish, unfair and hideous behaviour.

Do what suits YOU best.
I don't understand the desire for a child, but, as you have enough to support yourself and the kid and you want one, do what you need to do.
A donor at your age might not work out.
Leaving your partner's lazy off-putting arse is no "sin", ignore the moral patrol here. Men usually don't consider what's morally right when following their interest, either.
Good luck.

What stage of ivf are you at? Are you sure you aren’t being morphed by your hormones? Stopping your own hormones in the early part of an ivf cycle is like going through a violently accelerated menopause. Nothing can really prepare you for the emotional journey you will go on.

This is so immoral. Imagine if it was your brother, whose partner intentionally had a child with him knowing she was going to break up with him afterwards. For Christ sake woman give yourself a talking to.

Has he just changed to be lazy, unsupportive and uncaring after 11 years?

Why would you do your potential child (if you stayed) the disservice of having a shit Dad.

Stop thinking of what you want in this situation and think about this potential child.

Leave.

This

Have the baby. Easy to say use a sperm donor but you don’t have time to waste.

You’ll be a single parent no matter which option you choose. There’s a probability DP will be a good dad and involved. With a sperm donor, you will be a lone parent. I’ve been a lone parent alongside a single parent. Lone parenting is much tougher.

You don't want to regret not having a child for the rest of your life.

It is abhorrent to do that to a child, to deliberately bring them in to this mess. It’s all about you and no consideration of them.

You shouldn’t have a child with him. It ties you together for life. End it, start over. See how you feel once you are apart.

Your desire for a baby is not the most important thing. If you can’t see that you shouldn’t be a parent.

You are not happy and perhaps it’s taken the IVF and thought of having a baby with him and being tied to him for years, to make you realise just how unhappy you are.

Definitely leave asap.
Give it 6 months to adjust and then figure out if you want a child or not.

I know, only too well, about wanting your own baby. But at 40, needing to use IVF, it's not always possible. And even if it is, doing it with someone you don't want to be with isn't the wisest choice.

sometimes people think you can't foster as a single person & (where I live anyway) that's not true.

I’d go ahead with the IVF. If you really want a baby, this is pretty much your only chance.

I had IVF with donor sperm. It was a long time ago so things might have changed, but I had to have been single for at least 6 months, I had to have counselling sessions to confirm I was in the right mindset. I had to write a report on why I was able to be a single parent. My case then had to go before a panel who only met every 2 months, to determine if I was fit to undergo treatment. This was a mainstream private clinic, and I have no physical or mental health history.

Then there was a 6 month wait for a donor sample to be available. Since the anonymity laws were change the supply has dwindled.

From the day I approached the clinic for treatment, to the day I started it, was over 6 months. And then of course the first 2 treatments failed, and you have to leave a gap of at least 2 months between cycles.

At this stage could you not have the egg retrieval and storage part of IVF, and then you can be a position to find donor sperm a later date when you have settled?

Because by the time there is donor sperm available, OP’s chances of success will be much diminished.

he is very laid back so wouldn’t actually be hard to co parent. I’m just sick of being taken for granted
Read this again OP. Do you really think he would be laid back when after bonding with his baby, just as you will, he'll lose you and have to debate or maybe fight to have as much time with his baby as he did before you left. What are you plans? No putting him on the birth certificate so he doesn't get parental rights until/unless he takes you to court for it? What if he asks for joint custody? Would you cope with that?

Who would be taken for granted then after you make decision just to suit your own needs?

It's totally understandable that your heart is screaming to you to do it but this is a time when you really have to listen to your head.

Ultimately, if he really wants a child himself, how about discussing it together now. Separate, but agree to be coparents and work out exactly what this would entail.

I’m assuming she’s banking on financial support from him which she wouldn’t get from a donor?