Leave now or after baby

The OP's post isn't about looking for 'a quick fix' when struggling to conceive.

What do you think he’d be like as a Dad? Do you think you could have an amicable co parenting relationship with him? Are you ok with being tied to him for life even if you split up?

If yes I would stay because you know your potential baby will have a relationship with their Dad whether you’re together or not.

If you go down the donor sperm route with an anonymous donor you’re knowingly making yourself a single parent with no support, and one day you’re going to have to explain to your child why their Dad isn’t part of their life.

Sometimes it helps to make a choice when you put it in black and white.

Well done you for realising what you want. Best of luck for the future

Am sorry, a donor for sure. If he's not a good man to be with, why would you want to be linked to him through the child, til the end of your days? Unless you are doing it because you want his financial support? Start fresh, new beginning, new opportunity and you'll be in control.

Leave. Do not be tied to someone for 18 years that will possibly be a shit father and ex partner. I would consider adoption personally.

He doesn’t sound particularly invested in your relationship to be honest. Having IVF is an immense journey from what I understand and surely a couple should be supportive in every way.

Personally, I’d be inclined to leave now and try a sperm donor or alternatively have you considered adoption?

I'd say that's the right call. It wouldn't be right to bring an innocent baby into this mess if you're planning on leaving and don't love him anymore. Also if he is bone idle and lazy then he absolutely will be a shit dad and it would be like having 2 kids to look after, so he definitely is not the right person to be having a baby with.

If you really wanted a baby you could always try IVF using a donor once you are settled.

I would have the baby with him. He may be lazy but doesn't mean he wouldn't step up as a dad. A sperm donor would mean your child grows up with out a dad which is worse.

Leave now and use a donor instead.

I get that you're in a shit position. Could you freeze some eggs now to give you some security for a later relationship?

@Biscofflatte - that’s the right decision. You say in your updates that he talked you into the IVF and that you don’t want a baby. So you’re right to stop this.

Are you for real?! Fostering is not a quick fix for those struggling to conceive.

Continue with IVF, hopefully have a baby and then leave.

Regardless of how easy you think it would be to co-parent, it is not OK to manipulate him into this.

If he is committing to having a child, thinking you will be together, you can't plan the whole thing knowing you are going to leave him. That's an entirely different situation, incredibly dishonest and deceptive.

Not to mention that it's wrong to bring the child into that situation.

Sorry I missed this update before commenting. Sounds like a good decision. Good luck OP.

Adoptee here.

Donor sperm has its own issues. Your child could end up with dozens of half-siblings and a proper identity crisis. Who knows what contact etc will look like in the coming years - things have changed significantly (beyond recognition, when it comes to anonymity, because of the DNA tests) in the past two decades.

I agree with @acorncrush it's better to know the father/family from birth.

Don't continue with IVF.
Leave him and sign up for donor sperm if you want to be a single parent, it will be easier than having an angry ex around the child . Also two wrongs don't make a right- trying to conceive while planning to leave someone is a mean thing to do, even when the other person has behaved badly.

You don't seem to have responded to the suggestion of a donor. Is that not something you'd consider?

This!

IVF is stressful with hormones and anxiety. For the bloke it is stressful too. iVF aside, if you were having relationship drama, you’d maybe consider counselling to think about why you feel as you do. But it’s not the time to do that. To qualify for IVF, I needed to joint sign forms saying I was in a stable relationship, amongst many other questions. Maybe it’s not the same now…

to those saying to get a donor, setting that up takes time which the OP doesn’t have, and, based on my experience, questions would be asked about whether the OP is in the right place to go forward with such a big decision.

When you leave him, after using him as a sperm donor, will you expect any financial support?

What a thing to potentially put a parent through, having a baby, then having it snatched away from them.

OP, I can see you've said this is a no-go now. Probably for the best TBH

Please don't have a baby by a man you already know you don't like. It would not be fair on the child. Using a donor would be a emotionally safer option xx

How would you feel about fostering? Being single is not a barrier to fostering. I'm not sure about adoption.

Why do people always say this. Adoption and fostering are not the same as having your own biological child. And its not as straightforward as that. Fostering and adoption are hugely challenging for lots of reasons.

That's a good decision. I'm sorry you're in this position though, it's shit.

i hope you do leave, it's easy to change your mind when you're no longer ' in the moment' but if you don't you'll keep remembering why you should have.

be strong!