Leave now or after baby

Ah I see and understand.
I'm glad that you received my comment as I intended for it to be* *

If he's that poor a person why on earth would you want him to be your child's father? Its a bit of a selfish decision.

I’m a decade on from where you are. I was in the depths of despair age 40, grieving the family I always dreamed I’d have. At the time I couldn’t imagine how I would ever enjoy the rest of my life. But here I am, 49 now, life is wonderful and fun. I will never be ok with not being a mother, but I have come to accept it and I enjoy life in a different way. Find ways to spend your time that really inspire you. For me it’s travel, I travel a lot, all over the world. For you it may be something else. You will get there.

You miss the point.
Yes it’s true that IVF isn’t necessarily going to be successful at 40.
Yes it’s true that single people can foster and adopt.
The point I (and others) were making is that one isn’t a substitute for the other. The OP should manage her feelings around her relationship and her desire to have a baby first.
She may or may not consider fostering or adoption at another time, just as anyone who is not using IVF can also do.

You've left it very late to start trying for a child anyway, IVF at 40 may very well not work so making peace with being childless is something you will realistically need to do anyway.

If you feel like running away … why don’t you?

He sounds like an ok person I’m sure he will look after your cat for you.. are you able to go away from him, your mum and sister and life and do something you love for a while?

Even if just a week in a lakeside Scottish cabin with books and hot chocolate

Completely agree and I speak from experience as a donor-conceived person. Donor is helpful for some people to conceive but it does come with its own potential trauma for the child (not for all children but a significant group). Especially identity concealed donor (or concealed until 18) donor conceived people.
That said if he is abusive/absolutely awful then I wouldn't have the baby with him either and would potentially consider donor (there are known sperm donors available/open-id which does help alleviate some of the identity crisis some donor conceived people feel).

Well done! Parents will always worry about their children being on their own, but it's so so much better than being with the wrong person. I was single at 40 having had years of happy single life- I was only prepared to settle down when I met the man I'm with now because he was worth it. I wouldn't have given up that freedom for just anyone. I benefited hugely from finding a good therapist and talking through feelings- you might find that's a good option for you. In terms of what you do now, it's worth taking it one step at a time so it's less daunting. You don't need to have a new life figured out in a week. Firstly, do you have somewhere to live, at least temporarily?

You've got this, BL!

Well, quite: it means the baby is deprived of growing up with and even knowing his/her father- it's entirely for the adult's comfort and so breathtakingly selfish.

It's selfish to deliberately create a single parent household- obviously it happens along the way for various reasons, but you shouldn't actively do it.
And as for creating a child who won't even know his/her father (va sperm donor)...no!
A child is a responsibility, you have to put their welfare above your needs, even if that means remaining childless.
I would say there are kids who need adopting and that's a different matter, but I don't say it glibly as they often they have difficult backgrounds and /or lifelong issues. Again, it's all about putting the child front and centre.

Freezing 40 year old eggs would have very little chance of success.

Donor. If you have a baby with him and then leave, you're likely to end up co parenting in a difficult situation, and it's possible that there will be times he has custody - which I personally would hate. If you go with the donor option then you get to call all the shots, make all the choices, parent the way that you want and you don't have to share time with your much loved child x

Thing is, you're imposing on a future child the burden of a shit dad for the rest of their lives. At least with a donor, they don't have that shit parent to deal with.

You will be stuck with him for the rest of your life if you have a baby with him! Donor sperm from overseas and ivf will mean you have your baby and no issues with the father

Leave now. He’s useless and you may not get pregnant anyway. Don’t waste any more time.

But to all those being so cavalier and saying “just have a baby on your own”, do you think that - just once - you could stop and think about the needs and rights of the child, who would grow up not knowing their father, half their medical history, and constantly wondering if they’ve got siblings nearby.

We’ve become far too casual about donor conception, and it’ll prove to be a ticking time bomb.

OP, take time to think about what you want. There are lots of benefits to a child free life.

Don’t have a baby with him. Love that future baby enough not to give it a shit dad. No dad would be better than that. You can be a family unit as a single parent but split custody would just disrupt that.

I really wish the interests and well being of the hypothetical child took priority in this scenario.

Also bear in mind he would probably realise he had been used and then discarded when he outlived his usefulness, which would lead to ongoing resentment at best, outright hatred at worst. Not an ideal set up for 18 years of co-parenting!

Thankfully the OP isn’t going down that path.

Thank you, I understand you're trying to help me. We already have a child together via IVF, so he'll be in my life regardless. I just so desperately want to complete my family and then I can consider my options with regard to my marriage, but problems keep cropping up that mean we can't go ahead. I was in a bad place when I wrote my post, feeling completely unsupported after news of a further delay, most of the time we muddle along and his lack of care doesn't worry me too much.

Why would you choose a 2 home situation for your child when you don't have too? Donor

Can I just say, as I don't think anyone has, how brave this is. I've been in relationships that I knew weren't right, it was still terrifying to leave and start again, even without the question of children.

I can also say from personal experience that pregnancy in your forties can be a terrifying experience, after three losses, I absolutely would not have wanted to do this with anyone other than a loving supportive partner. I firmly believe that you are doing the right thing here and wish you so much luck for the next chapter.

I did, my post.